Which kind of cranky?

The "I'm a virulent racist and hate people and I'd actually hurt them if I could, but due to age I'm pretty much physically impotent, but I'm learning I can act out my rage through the internet and a lot of passive aggressive behavior towards those I am forced to be around" cranky? No.

The "my life is ruled by fear and insecurity, so I hide behind a cranky facade" cranky? No.

The "I never had to grow up, I'm basically an old child, and if I don't get my way I act out in childish ways and call it cranky" cranky? No.

The "I'm in constant pain because I didn't consider my health when younger, and even though I may try to mitigate it I can only do so much," cranky? No.

The "I can't handle change, and I'm old, so I'm just going to take my millions and spoil someone younger to give my life purpose or live vicariously through them, while only really asking for a minimum of companionship?"
Sure. I'd date that kind, if it was convenient for me.

Technically or pedantically? No.

How people define "love" and "relationship" in general, especially on dating sites and forums? Absolutely.

Sure.

In the course of my life I've had sex when I didn't actually "feel" like doing it.

But I see a huge spectrum of feeling, intent, expectations, and more in there.
I mean to me there's a huge divide between "didn't actually feel like doing it," and, "not wanting to do it, or strong desire/motivation to keep from doing it."

To me there's a big spectrum between "highly motivated to do it," and, "highly motivated not to do it." And "didn't actually feel like doing it" can encompass a large portion to either side of the middle of that spectrum.

I haven't always been at the extreme, "highly motivated and singularly focused on doing it," portion of the spectrum when having sex.



IMO it would be far more relevant to know a "why" I didn't actually feel like doing it.

Absolutely.
Just make sure you let her hold your wallet, car keys, and list of pin code and passwords before you go into the bathroom to clean up first.

Tons. Mostly sites that weren't "really" all that much about dating.

To me the online dating site/app environment since the 90's has gone through the same transition as Route 66, or the family vacation.

Where before it was fun, adventurous, took you to new places, all with their own local flavor or niche, tourist centric, friendly, local diner type places.

But now it's become more like the only places to stop are those with a WalMart, McDonalds, Burger King, Subway, or Taco Bell.



Used to be.
Except with the old internet you'd have to type 10 miles uphill through the snow.
I'm finding I'm having much more fun and success meeting people offline than on, now.

Depends on the country/state and laws.

In general I think it kinda depends on the mindset of the people.

If the people in the relationship have beliefs like: "F the government. F the bureaucracy! F the lawyers! We're not having kids, we're not breeders! I don't need a piece of paper to define my relationships."

Then it could be good.

Otherwise, I don't think it's that good of an idea.
Friends with benefits, roommates with benefits.
Not good for long term relationships for people unless their lives are ruled by fear.
And if so, then they have bigger problems than living arrangements.

I've been considering being president of the world for the past few years.

I always think it's funny the mindset of so many people that participate in "online dating."

They come up with some unrealistic relationship pretty much focused on their own benefit, having rationalized the "cost" being "I'm a good person, it's not about looks, you should accept me and my past and baggage."


Lots of people come up with "I've been interested in..."
But it's almost rare as unicorns to read "I've been interested in...and this is what I realistically think I am and have to offer, and proof/training, that would actually be what they want."

So:

Realistically speaking, how many people actually exist that fulfill the requirements that put them in a position to be what you want?
You want them to be attractive? Do you care about age? How much sugar/benefits are you actually looking for? Them to pay a random phone bill? Pay your rent? Take you on trips? Finance your life, business ideas?

Why would someone want you to be their sugar baby?
You have competition. Lots of people want to be sugar babies.
What do you have to offer based on what they want that makes you more attractive, desirable, and convenient, than everyone else that wants the same things you do?

Not to mention, do you honestly believe that someone with the resources to fulfill the obligations and role of "sugar daddy/mommy" is really going to be sitting around thinking "Hmmm, I have all this money but I'm so lonely, no one wants to take my money. I guess I have to go to a random free online dating site and just hope that a random stranger is willing to spend time with me."

Sounds kind of like ATM fees.
Where you have an account at Midwest bank.
You go to a Southwest ATM and they charge you a withdrawal fee.
Then Midwest charges you a fee to transfer the money to Southwest.

But the only thing you're aware of is the fee that showed up on the Southwest ATM screen.

You don't notice the other charge until you look at your statement.

Because it's in the fine print that your bank charges a fee for withdrawals from ATM's from other banks.

By going to an other banks ATM you are doing a business transaction with 2 different banks.

A lot of people don't notice the "double charge" of the withdrawal fee.

Because they just skim their statement and see the one fee on the date of their withdrawal, meanwhile the other fee is days later and not really associated with it, and since it's usually less than 5 bucks, they don't really care all that much.


But I can understand the Turbotax double charge if you're getting your refund via Turbotax.

They are charging you 40 bucks to do the paperwork and send it to the IRS.
Normally, the government would send you a check.
If you choose "take it out of my refund!" then you might be opting for something like:
TurboTax pays you the amount of your refund (probably sooner than the government), the government sends the actual refund money to a TurboTax account instead of to you.

So you're really doing 2 transactions.
1. The paperwork to send to the government to file your tax info and petition for a return.
2. Processing the money from the government.

Therefore, 2 charges.

"Consider?"

Sure. Could be fun roleplay.

You ever see the movie "Big?"

You know when Big takes Elizabeth Perkins back to his apartment, and it's got bunk beds and a pepsi machine and a trampoline?

I would love to have like a separate apartment.

We'd keep it mostly empty, and when we were feeling stressed and needing release we'd go there, decorate it with whatever idea we're wanting to explore.

Like I would "consider" having an affair, go to the apartment, set it up as a bachelor pad or something, then start texting and calling my wife, treating her like a stranger, and hopefully she'd reciprocate, act like different people to fulfill the idealized fantasy, have fun with it.

Get fantasies out there, explore how we're changing our desires, relieve stress.

Just like kids play alone or together with toys and blanket forts to work out how to communicate, how to interact in society, their place, all that development stuff, only an adult version.


If what you're asking is "would you stop openly communicating with your partner, have conversations in your head regarding fulfilling your own selfish desires, making a meticulous and planned conscious effort, trying to hide or keep your wife apart from that," then no.
Commitments have meaning.


If you're asking "in the realm of an infinite universe, is there a theoretical point, or hypothetical conditions, that potentially exist where you 'cheat' on your spouse, have an ongoing affair after making commitments to the contrary, or seriously and thoughtfully consider having an affair in general or with someone specific?"
Then sure.

If you're asking "have you ever seen/met an extremely attractive person, whose personality and beauty was just a complete and utter match to your biggest fantasy of a person, and had passing thoughts/desires of an affair like fantasy?"
Then sure.

Not sure I can.

It's hard to have a relationship, meanwhile you have a friend who just wants to have sex, but you don't want sex?
Like your partner is always thinking you're cheating with your friend, because they know your friend wants to have sex with you, but to you it's just friendship?

Or you have a friend with benefits relationship with someone, and you want more than that with them? You want to date and go out and get married and love your FWB, but all they want to do is use you when it's convenient?

Or you have a FWB, and they're a friend, but you want to go out looking for a "real" relationship. But if you get a "real" relationship, then you're going to lose the "friend" part of the FWB?

Or you just don't want to give up the easy access to sex until you can monkey branch into a guaranteed relationship, but no one wants to seriously date or be in a relationship with you as long as you have a FWB?


I think you need to commit to a hard decision regarding what you really want, how to get it, and what's interfering with your success.

Chemistry is the easiest thing to foster.
You just have to get over yourself and be willing to help the other person.

IMO/IME a lot of people show up to dates with a crappy mindset, or a crappy mindset with a facade of openness.


I am not sure if you really mean "except" or "accept" or "expect."

In any case, if you do any of those I think you're setting yourself up for failure.

The whole "no expectations!" is a terrible ideology/mindset IMO.
Not only because it's impossible for people to not form expectations (you dress up for a date? Concern yourself in any way with your appearance whether it's dressing up, or staying in stained sweats to posture? That's based on expectations, of being judged, of needing to dress up or be accepted as is), but the attempt to remove expectations forces behavior to counter both positive and negative mindsets.

You end up withdrawing into yourself and become more of an observer of a date rather than a participant.

IMO/IME when people decry "no expectations!" it just tells me they're mentally lazy, lack honest self analysis ability, and/or controlled by fear.
They don't want to figure out what expectations they've actually formed, avoiding responsibility for them, and what having those expectations says about them.

The issue isn't having expectations, it's having unrealistic expectations.

Not only that, but when you figure out you have expectations, there's a need or realization that the other person is going to have expectations.
If people can convince themselves they have "no expectations!" then they can simply transfer to the other person the idea that the other person "shouldn't" have any expectations.
Kind of like hiding under the blanket. If you can't see the monsters, then they can't see you.

"No expectations!" is a childish mindset, IMO.


IMO/IME best dates are those where expectations are realistic, people are mentally comfortable (they're accepted the expectations they have and use them appropriately), and truly honest (truly meaning with their thoughts and feelings, not open with life stories or problems) which makes them more adaptive to situations and interactions.


Other than that IMO/IME people go through a similar learning curve with online dating. Doesn't matter what you tell them, it's all SSDD.
It's funny to read the same "advice," and the same complaints and theories on "should," that have been around for 30 years of internet "dating" and how nothing has really changed.

I've never kissed myself nor taken a graded course on the subject, or used it professionally and won raises, awards, or accolades.

I'd have to rely on the judgment of the women I've kissed.
Most have said they enjoyed kissing me. Some have remained silent. But no one has ever said it was an unpleasant experience.

I'm not counting my mother, grandmother, or great grandmother in that assessment.
Mostly because (albeit unprofessional) it's a more transactional relationship.
I get biscuits on visits and a check for 5 bucks on my birthday, or no kisses.
Hugs I'll do for a hard candy.


Only after I started dating women over 25 years old on their birthday.
Or...wait a minute, how did this turn into a BDSM question?

Sure.
Relevant to dating and romantic relationships, it's called settling.
People do it all the time to fulfill goals perceived as more important, sacrificing fulfilling one need/want for the sake of another.

One common problem is if you lie to the other person.
If you tell them or lead them to believe you are, or don't tell them you're not, sexually attracted to them in order to get them to provide a relationship or resource, because you know otherwise they won't.

Another common problem is when you start doing things you don't want to do in order to keep them around, as it leads to resentment and interferes with communication.

Another problems is if you start cheating, believing you can compartmentalize your relationships.
Where one person provides the emotional or lifestyle component, and you seek others to provide the physical/mental/social component. Using others through deception and manipulation to pick from a buffet building a harem or stable for solipsistic fulfillment.


Could be.
Is it causing problems and stress in your life? Is it causing problems and stress in your partners life?
If so, then it's probably not healthy and normal.

Can you both live with it? Get up in the morning and function with some level of contentment and satisfaction in life that you and your partner can accept and work towards perpetuating?
Then it's healthy and normal.

I can't really cook.
It just doesn't stick in my head.

I can follow recipes.
I'm good at that. I really like The Joy of Cooking cookbook. I also have my own set of recipes I use.
I like watching cooking shows like british bakeoff and iron chef and good eats and cutthroat kitchen, looking up online the recipes they use and recreating them.

I can look at recipes and figure out how they're going to taste and what I can/need to add to it, or which spices to interchange, in order to get it to my tastes and know what the final result will be, how any new ingredients will interact. I can figure out how I need to modulate my oven/stove temperature to match what they're telling me.

I can read a recipe and figure out alternative means to achieve the same result. Like turning something into a casserole and knowing what ingredients to add to reduce or increase moisture, or retain a crispy crust, and still taste good (to me).

I can be following a recipe while cooking and see what's going on and what I need to change in order to not screw it up. Like making cheese sauce from a roux and knowing I need to add lipids to facilitate a better bonding.

I just can't get the basic concepts/ingredients to stick in my head without that recipe.
Take omelets. Just beaten eggs, fold over filling like meats and vegetables.
But I just now had to look up a recipe on the internet to try and remember if I need to add milk or cream.
But then I remembered I don't add milk or cream, that's for scrambled eggs. How much? A teaspoon? 6 gallons? Stove temperature hi, med, low? Can't remember off the top of my head. If I just decided to randomly make some eggs without a recipe, I'd end up with a souffle that hatches a live chicken wearing a sombrero.


I reload my own ammunition. I can remember how much of which brand of powder to use with which primers, which brass, which bullets, proper seating depth, and which cycles best in which firearm, and fps per load.
Even if I haven't done it for 2 years.
But I can't remember if I should add milk to scrambled eggs, omelets, or both.

I can follow recipes, I can experiment, but I can't really "cook."
The steps and ingredients just don't stick in my head, even with practice.

I am good with a grill.

By paying attention and being honest with yourself.
Other than that, take steps to control your finances and any potential consequences you think occur from being "gold dugged."

IMO it's kind of like asking "how do you gauge if a girl is a cheater?"
It's too broad of a question.

A willingness for both people to learn to communicate.
Communication based on observed behavior.
Face to face and sharing experiences together.
Eschewing impersonal methods like email/text/IM/phone, for more personal ones.
Like offline.
Spending more time together offline than the internet.

If they're using the internet to a point I'm not comfortable with then I'm not going to stick around long enough to get to a "live together, marry, or in a committed relationship" with them.

If I'm living with them, married to them, or in a committed relationship to them, and their "internet usage" changes to a degree where "boundaries" regarding it are significant, then I'm going to try to figure out "what's going on," why the change.


"Blind trust" is kind of an oxymoron.
"Blind trust" is "faith."

If we've been together to the point where we're living together, married, or are in a committed relationship, and they're behaving how they've always behaved, I'm going to "trust" them to continue behaving how they've always behaved.

If we've been together to the point yadda yadda yadda and their behavior changes, I'm not going to have "faith" that they're going to change back to what's normal for them, I'm not going to "blindly trust" that they're changing to something "good," I'm going to ask questions and pay attention.


"Boundaries" is a significant point, though.

There's a huge difference between "realizing what natural organic boundaries exist, what can I tolerate," and, "setting boundaries on yourself or someone else."


Whatever isn't a significant enough problem to cause a negative interruption or inability to cope in/support your life?

I don't know about embarrassing but it's funny to me and still makes me laugh.

Planned a great date.
Dressed kind of down so sportcoat and khakis.
Spent about 5 hours together, going to different public places.
After the date, got home, took off my pants.
Noticed a horizontal rip along the entire back of the pants, right under where the back of the coat would fall.
Had no idea how long it was there.

When younger was traveling with my mom.
We stopped for the night and went in to some dinner club next to the hotel.
Dark, lots of cigar smoke, a lot like the club in "Goodfellas."
Full of older people, and really older people with less older trophy wives.
Got a steak and fries. Thick ketchup in a glass bottle.
Picked up bottle and shook it to loosen it up.
Didn't realize that it was a "fancy" place where they loosen the cap of the ketchup before putting it on the table.
Slung about half the bottle throughout the restaurant before I noticed it was coming out.
Thought I noticed in time, didn't worry about it.
About halfway through eating, started noticing people leaving (had to pass our table which was better lit since near the entrance) and they had ketchup streaks on their clothes.
Running down their pants legs, on the sleeve of their shirt, or white mink coat.
They hadn't noticed because the restaurant was so dark.

Congratulations!

You've done what's called an "observation."

You've done/said something, and then received feedback as to what happens when you do it!
Exciting stuff! It's what science is made of!


Maybe they are!

But maybe you've figured out what doesn't work for you...hmmm.

...Have you thought of trying to "ask a woman on this site" something else?

I wonder if a dejected Ben Franklin ever trudged to a bar from an open field during a thunderstorm, behind him a dragged kite, and asked the patrons there "it seems you can't get kites to fly. Are all kites just aviophobes? Or just lazy?"

"Philophobes" wouldn't sign on to dating websites.

It's like someone with agoraphobia attending via hot air balloon an open air concert to decimate forests to create more open spaces so more launch pads into space can be created.


And yet...you're here.

So what do you "really" want?