A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She
is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you
catch me, you
can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually
getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself and
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt
this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it
he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

eeeewwwwww

#1 yes
#2 yes
#3 no
#4 yes
#5 no

L-unbelievably great in bed
A- you like to drink
C- you are silly
E-great in bed
Y- best grilfriend anyone can ask for

Times are hard!!!

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and
Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you
all
as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that
it's
a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the
instructions below:

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads
to
make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The
other two
wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the
top
pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever
you
desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built-in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the
nifty
slippers for yourself. Awaiting your response. It's crucial!

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache
pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by
traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong
Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in
1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as
a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take
1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this
use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of
honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to
the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
instantly.

Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato
paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and
bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine. a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and
apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and
speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a
few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse
well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ... Next time your dog comes in from the
rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in
your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat
daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites,
and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix
2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the
microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your
hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

>> "What majestic trees"!

>> "What powerful rivers"!

>> "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

>>

>> As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the

>> bushes behind him.

>> He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

>>

>> He ran as fast as he could up the path.

>> He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

>>

>> He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

>> He tripped & fell on the ground.

>> He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! on top



>> of him,

>> reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

>>

>> At that instant the Atheist cried out,

>>

>> "Oh my God!"

>>

>> Time Stopped.

>> The bear froze.

>> The forest was silent.

>> As a brig ht light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

>>

>> "You deny my existence for all these years,

>> teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

>> "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

>> Am I to count you as a believer"?

>>

>> The atheist looked directly into the light,

>> "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a

>> Christian now,

>> but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

>>

>> "Very Well," said the voice.

>>

>> The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

>>

>> And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed

>> his head & spoke:

>>

>>

>>

>> "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty

>> through Christ our Lord, Amen."

chuckle those were funny

haha those were cute i do like the last one and the one about the slinky

More Monopoly money is printed yearly than real money throughout the
world.

Penguins are not found in the North Pole

People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all
photocopier errors worldwide.

A dentist invented the Electric Chair.

Rudolf the Red-nosed reindeer was actually created as a promotional
figure for Montgommery Wards department stores.

A ****roach can live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America
that is wilderness: 38%

A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the
speed of sound.

Walt Disney got the idea for Mickey Mouse from watching mice play in a
garage, where he was forced to work, because he could not afford to rent
an art studio.

About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still
sitting on it.

Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf .

The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of."

Alfred Hitch**** did not have a belly button. It was eliminated when he
was sewn up after surgery.

****roaches break wind every 15 minutes.

Charlie Brown's dad was a barber.

Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks.

Frank Baum, the writer of "The Wizrd of OZ", looked at his filing
cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

On average, every chocolate bar contains at least three insect legs.

Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws
allowing the castration of epileptics

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

haha that was cute

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with
tea the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I
haven't had the flu all winter."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When
everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

lol that one got me to

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange,
and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response.

He replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."

Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority
sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.

She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide
Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush
down there called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over
that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the
taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about
athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except
they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then
jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw
them to the ground, and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race!
They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"

"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a
Texan! What happened?"

"Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at
the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of
those Texan's jeans, I changed my mind!"




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1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did
not ask the price for.

3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with
your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food
through the window.

4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a
fight.

5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window
shopping and drive on.

8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9.Ask how they fit into that little box.

10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you
did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"

12.When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take
yours?"

13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they
yell at you.

14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it.
When they come out, drive away.

15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

17.Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind
you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash
from your car in it.

19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your
stare.

20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Yeah sure use it were ever you want