An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with
some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00
news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a
large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, You know, I bet he'll jump."The blonde replied, "Well, I bet
he won't."Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the
blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the
building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's
fair. Here's your money."Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw
this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."The blonde
replies, "I did too. I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money...

lol that was funny

I have heard this one before but it is still funny

Greg was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.



Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.



In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had
watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
here?"



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shi# out
of
a ghost

ann says i need to pee and goes behind a bush. joe hears her knickers
come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand through the bush and
between her legs and feels something hanging. ann he says, have you
changed your sex? no she replies, i've changed my mind, i'm having a
crap.

wow that was really funny. but i really liked the one about the little
boy at taco bell

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart
attack.
The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and
Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart
attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the
next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night,
and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was
fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We
found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

yeah isnt that true plus if you cant laugh at your self than you are
truly not happy with yourself

A blond woman decided that she was going to take up horse riding. So she
gets the horse ready, and gets on him. The horse is trotting along, but
after a while he starts to go a little faster. The blonde gets a better
grip and continues her ride. But the horse starts going faster and
faster and faster. She starts slipping down the side of the horse and is
holding on for dear life when she decides to try and throw herself from
the horse. Her foot gets caught in the reins and she is being dragged by
the horse! Just when she is giving up and about to be
unconcious............the Walmart manager comes up and unplugs the
horse.

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass

eeeeeeewwwwwww

eeeeeeewwwwwww

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't
stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary
and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?''
But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the
teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the
teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the
pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

oooooooooo nice

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning
of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after
making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and
accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud.

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some
fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language,
hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he
wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he
says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the
youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says
meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

omg