TRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:
FIRST THE WOMEN:


40-ish ............... 49
Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic.......................Flat-chested
Average looking.......... Ugly
Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin
Educated ................... College dropout
Emotionally secure....... Medicated
Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster
Free spirit.................... Substance user
Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut
Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot
Gentle ..................... Comatose
Good listener ........... Borderline autistic
New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos
Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud
Passionate.................. Loud
Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic
Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing
Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque..............Fat
Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight
Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat
Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!
Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking
Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Honest....................Pathological liar
Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent
Mature ...................Until you get to know him
Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

thankies,same to you

no u dont,u know exactly what we were thinking

You've Got Male!

The oh so curious little boy asks his unprepared father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad ponders a few seconds and responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on ItsCupid.com. Then I set up a date via e-mail through itscupid's totally free personals with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

ermm,now i should think of something smart 2 say 2 put me out from beep beepp....
honestly,dont know,but in my mother tongue,means hard 2 give money and also not expenisive 2 buy,obviously...
dont know why i used it,maybe a cultural thing,tho dont wanna ruin ur joke space with qvazi-philosophy

cooolyyyy
ure bad

ah,dont tell me,i once worked in this fancy fancy hotel
never in my life have i seen so many cheap people

five letter word,euphemism 4 it is female dog,closer description-ladies like one in ur joke,diferentia specificam-obviously cant write that word here..go on u try :P

didnt know ppl really do that till 2day,i really hear one!in reality!!!!!!!!
ewwwwww

amm....
-1) did you:
Put it there
0) so u can:
4 4 4 4 4

erm,this is not nice of me,but will post it in non-lucid moment
nice goin uk.british humour?

omg didnt know this site doesnt allow female dog euphemisms!!!

awww..cheap *****!

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that:

40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.

20% of the time it's pissed off.

30% of the time it's hard up.

10% of the time it is in the hole.

On top of all this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1999, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information of Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.

10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00

8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00

6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00

4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.

* Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.






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Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order.

Please refer to the chart below for your tax computation:

AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00
A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!!!

* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.

ewwwwwww....daniel,dont even wanna ask whom u know

but 26?omg

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- Has to work hard.

- Has to work at great depths.

- Has to work upside down.

- Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work.

- Has to work in a high humidity environment.

- Has to work at high temperatures.

- Does not get weekends and holidays off.

- Does not get time off after extra hours of work.

- Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.



Request denied for the following reasons:

- Does not work 8 hours in a row.

- Does not answer immediately to all requests.

- Does not have a degree.

- After a short activity period, falls asleep at work.

- Shows no fidelity to the workplace.

- Retires too early.

- Does not work at all unless pushed from behind.

- Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you lost or gained weight.

10. Drycleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. (Unless you smash them into the boards.)

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. You don't have to shave below your neck.

35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me.'

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time!

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too sleazy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69. Same work ... more pay!

70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So ... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch.

100. There's always a game on somewhere.

What is most embarrasing thing that can happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking his nose.