For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

In order to simplify tax collections in the near future, the IRS will issue a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra EZ. After your name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two pages:

1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government. Form Scru-u-R

Page I.

1. How much money did you make this year? $________

2. Amount you owe IRS $________

Page II

1. Take out a loan for more money.

2. Amount you still owe IRS. $________

LOL...and true too

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now
(Works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

- Dot all your "i"s with smiley faces.
- Sing into your hairbrush.
- Grow a milk mustache.
- Read the funnies; throw the rest of the paper away.
- Dunk your cookies.
- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
- Give someone a hug around the neck.
- Blow the wrapper off a straw.
- Refuse to eat crusts.
- Make a face the next time somebody tells you "No."
- Ask "Why?" a lot.
- Have someone read you a story.
- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
- Eat dessert first.
- Say "duh" when stuff is obvious.
- Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.
- Innocently say your prayers.
- Ride a roller coaster two times in a row.
- Run through the sprinkler with all your clothes on.
- Lick all the cream out of an Oreo before you eat the cookie part.
- Eat just the chocolate stripe out of your Neapolitan ice cream.
- Start thinking now about what you want for your next birthday.
- Lie on your back in a field and look at pictures in the clouds.

MICROWAVE FUDGE

1 lb. Powdered sugar
2/3 cup cocoa unsweetened
1/4 tsp. Salt
1/4 cup milk
2 tsp. Vanilla
1/2 cup butter or margarine
*optional* 1/2 cup chopped nuts

In large microwave-proof bowl, combine powdered sugar, cocoa and salt.
Stir in milk and flavorings: mix well.

Place butter on top.

Microwave at high for 2 minutes.
Mix until smooth. Stir in optional nuts.
Spread in a foil lined or buttered 8 x 8 x 2 inch pan/dish.

Chill for about 1 hour or until firm.

Cut into 36 pieces.

Package in foil lined, airtight container.

I’ve been making this for friends and family as Christmas gifts for years and everyone loves it. Every year they ask me to make them some.

It’s just as good as the kind you slave over the stove making and is ready in half the time.

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Lol...Yep....I have 3 in my house....I hear ya....lol

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack was very optimistic -- even if a situation was terrible, Jack could always think of a way it could be worse.

Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to to lie to Jack.

"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?"

"Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"

"How could THAT possibly have been worse?"

"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

I just got a skylight put into my place......................



The people upstairs aren't too happy about it.

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?"

She thought about it a minute then said,

"Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."

good one...lol

The best pickup line ever is to just walk up and say............

HI

Dang....a day late and a dollar short...she already left for store. Story of my life...lol

Hey....would you mind grabbing me one while you're at it?

I don't know her but my prayers are with her.

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
Find puppy and remove dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up, grab puppy and say 'No, NO - outside!'
Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy to sit and stay first thing in the morning.

I'm definitely owned by my 3...lol