Yum, Yum !

How does a lady with a "bad case of crabs" gets rid of them?

She finds a guy that likes " fresh seafood".

Suepr jokes and sick ones, but good ones.

How true, machines could take over.

How true.

Punnishment fits the crime.

Good One.

Married people, these two are for you:

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, ' He mated 50 times last year. '

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

' ' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, ' That ' s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him. '

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

' THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband ' s ribs, said, ' That ' s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow. '

The husband ' s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery



A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

This Christmas one, really perked me up!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick
it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Here is a good one posted by a member, which is a goodie.


A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a Walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with No dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Can someone explain to me: who started blond jokes? What about other hair color jokes? I like the jokes, but don't understand what blonds have to do with it. Help me out here. I am a slow learner with some short term memory loss.

Why not follow coolymans idea, start putting your user name into the jokes.

How true!!!!

Here are several good stories and jokes that members have posted in the past, and I have hard copies and they are so good, I thought they would need to be repeated.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, ' He mated 50 times last year. '

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

' ' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, ' That ' s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him. '

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

' THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR '



The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband ' s ribs, said, ' That ' s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow. '

The husband ' s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery



A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick
it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Dress
-A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. -She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

-"What are you doing?" she asked. -"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, " the daughter-in-law answered. -"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. -"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. -"Love Dress? But your naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. -"My husband loves me to wear this dress, " she explained. "When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic.

-The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

-Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. -"This is my love dress, " she whispered, sensually. -"Needs ironing, " he said. "What's for dinner?" -His funeral will be held this coming Thursday, closed casket


I heard the shot from hear

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a Walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with No dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

This is the best you have posted. Keep em coming.

Who cares if the jokes are crude and sick, they make for laughter and that counts.

In the old days, they just cut your head off, with a cold ax, or tied you to a stake and set fire to you, so I was trying to be funny.

I was happy with Windows 98!

In the dark ages , a prisoner is sentenced to die for treason and the judge asks him” you can either be “burned at the stake” or” Have your head chopped off”, which would you like?

The prisoner says to the judge” I want to be burned at the stake , as a hot steak is better then a cold chop”!