Karen, maybe like me you have an immature desire to be happy. 24 years ago my psychologist told me I had that and I am still trying to figure out "an immature desire to be happy". I guess I should have asked him what a mature desire to be happy was. I think I am getting a handle on it though. I remember when he told me that it made me angry. I really don't know why. One of the nurses I work with has found my trigger buttons and it is like she just won't quit pushing them. If I knew how to hide the buttons or just yank the buttons out so she couldn't have access to them I would. I am finding I have a choice in reacting to her when I am not around her or I just clam up and try to be emotionless but that doesn't work because it just builds up with no relief valve. It is better that I show my anger. I can not accept that my anger is something to be ashamed of. I am human so sue me. Anger really screws with my serenity but sometimes I just can't ignore my own anger. It seems it is better to show my anger than to hide it because sometimes I will be damn if I can hide it. It is just greater than me. I might as well let it run its damn course until I can get back to being serene. Personally, I think anger sucks buttermilk but that is just my own opinion. I would like to think that I just don't have time for anger but then anger could care less if I have time for it or not. I wish I could just give anger the middle finger. Anger really pisses me off. I got better things to do than wasting my time being angry but anger doesn't give a rat's ass. It is like anger is saying, "Here I am deal with me."

Scottie and me got the bathroom almost painted before we went to the meeting. He put the lacrete on the floor and said he would come by next Sunday. I was telling him about Randy finally helping me put the dryer back together. At the meeting we got to discuss 'anger', one of my favorite topics.

I think the coolest things said at the meeting was when my friend told us was when he did his fourth step his number one resentment was happy people. He said that happy people pissed him off worse than anything else.

i saw my physcitatrist today, hes worried about me. i broke down on him and started crying, and I told him what happened to me, and even he looked upset.

he wanted to admit me into hospital for around a month, but i said no.

hes gave me some valium 10mg, and some chloral hydrate 500mg to take with the zolpidem, because im not sleeping.

ill see how i go

More meds on top of what you've already told us you are taking? How are you functioning?

ive tried the valium and its crap, its done nothing, and i cant get the other med until wednesday. my migraines are really getting me down, im seeing my doctor tommorow so ill discuss that with him tommorow.

the valium is only for 4 weeks, to try and get my head sorted with what happened. depending if the other one is any good will depend if i take it all the time or not.

awesome!!have fun amber!!
today was my birthday and i had a very nice day.I talked to my birthmom yesterday and found out my dad was native american but what tribe or where he's from ,she couldn't recall.oh well the search is on !!

wow if i take two valium,I'm in happyville..whats your doctors name?

i'm with him.nothing worse than a perky so n so especially early in the morning.

I am working on my bathroom and pretending I am not alone. I went and did the top edge next to ceiling and some of the other trim work. I like doing the big roller painting and leaving the trim work for someone else. Since my bathroom is small I went and bought a stand up shelf to go behind the commode. When my uncle built this house he spared no expense with sheetrock but did with studs. I keep wondering what is holding the house up. Mom told me to work on one room at a time so it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. This sierra redwood reminds me of a red clay color. I am going to paint the whole inside of the house with it and if it don't suit me I will just paint over it. That is the nice thing about paint; If you don't like it then just paint over it. I am doing good on keeping enough gas so that I can go to a meeting every night.

50mg of valuim doesnt effect me in the sligtest.

Hi, Debbie. I did pretty good on the painting; My dog is still the same color she was when she went out of the bathroom.

Thanks Roy. I needed a good laugh right about now. Have an exam tonight. Glad it is the class kind, hehehe.

Ouch, exams. Major stress. I hope you did okay on it, Karen. Last exam I had was the one for my license. I always feel better after an exam whether I passed or not. Feel better when I pass though. Duh, huh?

Expressed myself in a confrontation this morning without going postal. I was really proud of myself. I have come a long way, baby. I am really liking people being able to come to me instead of going over my head. The venting has really helped me with my anger. Trying to understand another in a conversation instead of trying to rationalize; Prove myself right or justisfy my actions has gone a long way in keeping my anger in check. It is a major help in communicating with others for me. It was a good night even if I was the only aide on the floor. It made me feel really good that I could do it all by myself.

I think it is great that you have made so many strides in the right direction Roy. I should follow your lead and try to find at least one thing in my day that was good. Sometimes hard to do, but I think I will try.

In a self pity mode right now though, no Valentine again this year. Hell, any year. None of my ex's gave a rats ass about it, and I hate cut flowers and candy. Would rather get a lil sculpture or plant to remember the day by. Something thoughtful and caring that I can look back on and say awwwwwww.

JAX, Im so glad to hear that you are getting the tooth taken care of. I just know you will feel so much better. Have them knock you out if it is too bad. They can do that and often do for people who are terrified. Just tell them that you are, even if you aren't.......

feeling sad tonight i dont know why

one step ahead of you girlfriend..i will be out cold!!

hows about a hug wanda..sorry you are sad..

(((coco))) sorry you're blue.....hugs help?

((Coco))

Karen, something that I have came away from the support group that has helped me a lot is the saying of, "Just keep doing the next right thing." Little simple things that I can remember has a way reminding me that when the student is ready the teacher will be there. It reminds me that I do have options which is good because sometimes I do things not realizing that I do have options. I like the saying of, "The pain is necessary but the misery is optional." That one helped me loads. Another one that helps me is prayer with the words, "God relieve me the burden of self". That one helps me to get out of my self so I can help others.