So tired of meeting people and hearing them say I'm doing my best!!
But really are you??.
Now I realize my standards of best might be higher than yours are perhaps even lower...
But when someone says to me .
.( I'm doing my best)... and putting real effort into it... I take them at their word and believe them.. but when that person. time and time again shows me by their actions.. that their best really isn't There very best..well.hmmmm... I have to ask myself (((really!!)))...
Because if your best means you're going to show up on time....and you don't because you got tied up on the phone.. idly chit-chatting.. are you simply couldn't get out of the house..on.time.. because you went out the night before and stayed out way too late..and now over slept..
well... are you really doing your best?..

Are you say ..you want to spend time with the person. Enjoying the day together.. but all you end up doing with them is running your errands..
Because you couldn't be bothered to do it the days before you got together..
.well.. are you really doing your best?..

. Are you want them to come over so you can cook them a home-cooked meal... but what you serve them isn't really a home cooked..meal.. spent hours preparing it with love
Instead you give them some half Hazard put together... no real effort or thought put into it.. tasteless meal...
Now are you really doing your best?

Are you ask the person on Wednesday to come over friday and spend the evening. and night.together..
And the other person.. makes arrangements to come over. Gets a babysitter.. showers and shaves appropriate.body parts.
Puts on cologne or perfume trys to look there best for you .even brings dinner with them... so you don't have to cook and can actually spend more time together..let's you lay back and relax.
Well thay do for you... basically putting effort in and doing their best
.
Now dId you do your best. Did you put some thought into being together.that night .hmm. . could you be bothered.. to hit the grocery store before Friday... so you at least have the basics in your fridge. Bread ,milk.. eggs bacon..
So maybe in the morning you could have breakfast together..
Did you shower and shave your appropriate body parts. put on perfume or cologne.. try to look your best.
Before the other person showed up at your door..were you willing to do for them.did you let the other person know ahead of time you might be tired Friday from work.. giving them the option to make other arrangements..if you're too tired to put an effort in ..are did you just sit back and let them do for you.??

now if you can honestly answer yes you did. Do your best put real effort in...then great.!!.
But if you can't.. honestly say that
you are doing your best.?

well Then your best and my best really aren't the same....

So people when you say you're doing your best to be with your partner..
Really think are you really doing your best... ???.or are you just letting them do their best for you.. and you're just phoning it in..hmmmm.... bit of advice at least put 85% effort in.. are don't put any effort in at all..and let the other person go..be with someone else.. that wants to put effort in and do their best....
Rant over..lol..wink
.

Well... will sound like I'm having a go at you, but I ain't... just trying to make you see something here...
But your OP is all ... me me me me me me me me me me me me me, and more me.
Why do you need so much validation? The fact that you need that all the time means that another has to live up to your impossible expectations. It means you are trying to mold someone into something that will fulfill you. THAT means you do NOT appreciate and love them for who they are. It means you will like / love them provided they will change into something that pleases you. That is NOT love. It puts you in the "High Maintenance" category, a category that will wear a partner out sooner or later.

If she tired from work, and STILL wants to spend her evening with you, that means she cares. You feel she doesn't care, didn't do her best. But at that moment it's the best she has to offer and she still wants to share it with you. Yet what does she get from you? Chit. Disappointment. Rejection. (that will make her feel good!)
Because you don't feel validated, you feel let down. What is it you want from this woman? Just sex? I mean... if she doesn't shave, feels tired, hasn't dressed up, you are disappointed cos you cannot have your sex.

How about love? When a man loves a woman, he'd be slightly disappointed, but he'd also care about the woman he loves who's so tired, yet still chose to be with him over calling off the date. He'd happily cuddle, enjoy the time together as opposed to orbiting around "I'm not getting what I want, boohoo!!"
Yet you'd rather she call it off because you can't get sex and won't get your validation?
Seems you're so busy trying to think what you should do -and what you will get in return for that-, that you don't even see her needs.

Have you been honest with this woman and told her that all you want from her is validation and sex? That all she has to do is adore you all the time, and make sure she looks like a model and be ready to have sex with you whenever you meet?
It all sounds very one-sided ... Maybe put in effort to allow her to be her. Shift your focus from what you think you aren't getting and make some space for her in this relationship.


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Yeah, that rant reads more like "you haven't done YOUR best, until you've done what I think is just barely okay."

Another point of view: that's the best that they are WILLING to do for you, given how difficult you are to deal with, or how much they are or aren't into you.

Another point of view: simple incompatibility. You want someone ELSE'S best, not THAT person's best.

Well, there will always be those times when you feel your Bestie isn't your Bestie, but you still love them, because no one can be 100% all of the time.

I like this thread....
Nice one No-1

I think and feel ultimately,
that the thread is about COMMITMENT,
Please correct us No-1 and tell us what exactly the thread is about...

There's commitment as in verbally
"I'm committed"

And there's actions to back it up
If one side of the couple is doing all the leg,foot work
then its not EQUAL is it?


I guess different people have different aspirations,
And what to one person is acceptable,
to another person is barely enough!

Maybe the question one ought to ask one's self is...
Can I do better?

I kind of disagree that it is all about sex,
Yes sex is important in any relationship,
But what if you got all the sex you wanted,
yet lacked everything else in the relationship?
Would a relationship like that work?

No don't ask if it would work...
Ask if it float's your boat....

Is that your picture of sunshine happiness?
Good sex? Is that sunshine happiness? Is that love?

sounds to me like u get overly annoyed by a woman simply being a woman...no one is a mind reader or is going to at all times make the maximum effort or worship the ground u walk on...maybe learn to go with the flow a little more and relax...

Ok..well.all.good points.. but this concept can be extended to friends and families and workers and coworkers.. it's not about me!!..lol
It's a topic.. about people saying they're doing their best when they're . Clearly really not... we all come across this in our day-to-day lives.... some of us do it our very selves to others.. say were doing our best when we're really not..
.. maybe you always get to work late..?.
Mybe you're.notTrying hard enough in a relationship....for what ever reason..
And your partner calls you out on it..
But you always say I'm really trying my best... but you both know you're not..lol... it's not about having people live up to your expectations of them...
No!!!.. it's about people who don't put their best effort in but say they are..
Hello!!!!lol... I'm guilty of this myself..
Sure sure..I say I am trying really.really hard..but I know deep down.I could be doing a better job..of some things....

..ok.frist off.. as allways.. reading more into it than there really is..lol. ..and yes I am.high maintenance hello!!.. but I am totally worth it... and if I'm with somebody that can't see that and appreciate that ..well.. their best really isn't going to be good enough...
..lol...it's not.. that I don't give them every opportunity.. hell I'll bend over backwards and forwards to encourage them..to try just a little harder...because..after all I am worth it...and the payoffs to them would be huge..lol.wink....and i do.and still come over if my lady friend.is tired...and if you read the topic..you would have caught that..lol..I even bring her dinner....omg. put your glass on.. Crystal..lol

I really don't want or expect ... Your Best.

All I really want is for you to be ... Yourself.

All I can ever be is ... Myself.

BEST and WORST can only be determined after establishing a pattern.
Even then it is only defined by your own sense of worth.

Worthiness is a personal judgement we make to determine if the other person can fulfill our desires. Those that do fulfill our desires are more worthy than those that do not. It is not a matter of try.

As Yoda Says:

Be certain that you can achieve it, or you will not be able to.

Integrity is a trait that I look for in those I consider. This topic is about integrity. Its about recognizing the lack of integrity in another, and ... in yourself.

It is not the proclamation of intent that matters as much as the actions displayed.

Be a SAYER that backs up words with being a DOER.
If you can't commit to something don't make the commitment.

..yes.. that's all part of the psychology of it....good job..well done..
A little positive reinforcement for you..lol.wink.

It is interesting and you are right no1phD, people say
they are 'doing their best' when they are doing
nothing different at all.

Years ago this couple invited us to dinner, I am a cook
so she kept saying she wanted to make it special..planned
for weeks.

We anticipated.

Arrived and I asked if I could help with anything.
She says 'sure' and we go into the kitchen.
She has not started anything.
'What can I do' I ask?
She says 'how about a salad.'
So she starts handing me things from the fridge.

Among which is a head of lettuce long since demised.
I say, 'have you another as this one is all brown and
past its prime?'

She says, 'yes, but let's use this one up instead first.'

I am so appalled.
I tell you, appalled.

I was physically unable to chop that crap and add it
to the salad.
I did everything else then just left the kitchen.
She served it.
We never went back.

I do not think anyone was 'giving it all.'

I think sometimes 'doing my best', is used like 'that's just me'

it really means,,

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING SO DONT ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

and sometimes 'doing my best' means

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY MY EXPERIENCES HAVE SHOWN ME HOW TO DO THIS


,best that we CAN do and best that we KNOW HOW to do,,,are often interchangeable,,,,,,,

..yes....people say that it's there best but sometimes you can't help but feel like it really isn't their best at all... due to their actions..

Thanx, I'll take it because I respond well to positive reinforcement.

Back when I was working I tried to give it my best but circumstances could get in the way. Over time and thru education and experience my best got better. I mastered my field and expanded my expertise in related fields. I was known as a professional. My best was easily done. It became second nature to me. That professionalism spilled into the other aspects of my life. I started giving everything my best.

It was hectic and difficult to live up to what I know I was capable of. After I got sick and could no longer perform to my best people lost faith in my ability. I lost my job, my marriage and my home. I sat and wondered just how important giving my all to anything really is? In the long run, it is not how you are seen by others as much as how you see yourself.

I've found that giving everything my best is not important. Some things do not require my best. For me it is not difficult to maintain my integrity. I don't try to keep my commitments I just do. There are times when other unforeseen things get in the way of keeping a commitment and I am flexible enough to work around them. If I break a commitment to someone else because of those circumstances I explain and recommit if necessary. I also listen to possible solutions from the other person. My intent is not to deceive.

I like throwing dinner parties and movie marathon parties. I invite people to join me and tell them what to expect. I make efforts to provide those things that I committed. I also understand that things get in the way of a plan coming together. I usually have alternatives ready.

It is important to me to do what I say. I understand that not everyone has the same personal integrity as I do. Those that do not are not people I wish to share life with. After all, it is my life...

I have, No1... I had my eyes lasered, I see clearly! Very clearly indeed. My vision only blurs when he's with me and when ... oh well, another story entirely

Anyways, you said "giving them the option to make other arrangements.." which means "Had I known beforehand she was tired, I would have done something else."
Plus, you were having a rant. You wouldn't rant if it was just a general thing. People rant about what happened to them.

But not to worry, you're still my favourite Canadian

Oh, and to add to the "doing your best" thing...
When a relationship works, you don't try to do your best. That would be constantly putting in effort. A good relationship may require some work here and there, but not a constant effort.
When both are happy in a relationship, it's nourishing, and you are your best, or on your way to becoming your best. You bring out the best in each other. Nourishing...
It doesn't require effort. You do that because you are happy, and the connection is nourishing.
Trying to do your best is more about making an effort to please the other. That's not what it's about really... Would be very exhausting.
And in a healthy relationship you should also get accepted if you didn't dress up to be model-gorgeous etc. etc. etc.

Have you any idea how much work it is to look model-gorgeous? Watch "What Women Want"... Mel Gibson sure as heck found out!

Another aspect of this, is that "Doing my best" is one of the many catch-phrases humans use often, and actually mean, only rarely. Yeah, if you want, you can go the literal route, and call for people to only say it when they really are going all out and sacrificing everything else for whatever is going on.

But like so many phrases that people say as a matter of course, if you DO demand that it be taken literally, you'll more often be ignoring the entire context of human interaction as you do so.

My favorite phrase that people use every day and never actually mean, are all the variations on "how are you doing." Almost no one ACTUALLY wants to know how you are doing, you are supposed to say "fine," or some other mundane or humorous thing.

With "doing my best," MOST of the time, it's not said seriously, it's said in place of something more like "I'm exhausted physically or emotionally," or even "I am giving you NOMINAL respect, by SAYING I am doing my best for you, but it's just so that you understand that I am not INTENTIONALLY snubbing you."

I think the episodes where people say they want to do something special, and then do nothing remotely special at all, are really different. If someone said in emotional earnest, during a critical discussion about an issue, that they REALLY WERE DOING THEIR BEST, then I could go with the rather extreme criticism in the OP. But in all the times I've heard people say they were "doing their best," I don't think I EVER imagined that they meant it to be THAT rigidly defined, and nor did the people who they were saying it to.

That made me laugh.

I have actually told strangers exactly how I am doing and you should see the looks on their faces. Its comical.

..yes I do..I used to watch them get ready all the time..lol..
. Personally I wake up looking gorgeous I go to bed looking gorgeous..lol.. and yes I hate to correct you a relationship is work..
It doesn't have to be hard work but it is work... if I love somebody I always try to do my best for them.... nothing wrong with expecting that back in return...in a relationships and when people stop trying to do their best..that's when the train comes off the track
There best not my best but their best..
.. we always know when our partner is trying his or her best.. we also know when they're just phoning it in..lol

I did mention it may require work, yes. But if a relationship is mostly 'work', it's not the right one.
As for the rest, we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Trying to do your best is effort, effort is exhausting. No one can effort for the rest of their lives.
I don't do my best to please him, I please him because he makes me happy. The relationship makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy. And the same the other way 'round. There's no effort.
Maybe it's semantics that trips us up here, but in general I don't agree with the 'effort' part. Sure, there can be effort needed sometimes, in any relationship, but not all of the time and not too often. Exhausting.
Trying to do your best is doing something that's expected of you or what you think is expected of you. Or trying to get something back for your effort.
That's not being yourself. That's what I have a problem with in this context.
Again, maybe semantics.