Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie
upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious
snake bite.

thats great!

Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And
they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from
France.

Lois Griffin: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin: OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Stewie (at airport): I require a window seat and an inflight Happy Meal,
and no pickles! God help you if I find pickles!

Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after
church.
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

Lois: Oh Good job Stewie! Clean Plate! But...
Stewie: Ye,s yes, i got more of it on my face. Yes that one never gets
old.
Lois (hands Stewie a piece of cake): Here you go. Eat up.
Stewie: I'LL EAT IT WHEN I'M READY!
(Chris walks in.)
Stewie: I'm ready! Well, lets see wat we have today. Big piece of
chocolate cake for me. And OH-- something very nice for BIG FAT YOU!
(Hands Chris a leaf from the plant in the middle of the table.) Bon
appitet! Oh and you can have my fork, i shan't be using it. Watch me.
Yes that's it. (Shoves face into cake.)

Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.

Stewie: Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? Well of
course you didn't you worthless little... (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear).
There, see what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well
actually I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it AGAIN!!! (Hits
Rupert the Toy Bear)

Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a
week?

Chris: Can I go now? Stewie's gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris...he can't help you with your homework, he's just a baby!
Stewie: And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you
graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?
Max Weinstein:I'll help you with your homework son.
Peter: My God!!! Is there nothing you people can't do, except you
know... manual labor???
Lois: What a horrible thing to say! They built the pyramids!

[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you
pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie: What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Lois: Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.
Stewie: "So I don't get hurt;" that's the best you can come up with, you
dull-witted termagant?
Lois: I brought your Raffi tape!
Stewie: Play "Wheels on the Bus" and get the hell out of my sight.

Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role
reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry.
Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you
should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter
buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had
two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio.
But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the
rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans
for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough
trick named Jim.

(Brian walks in with injuries from being beat up by Stewie)
Tom Brady: What happened to you?
(Stewie gets Brian's attention)
Brian: I...fell down the stairs.
Stewie: Hmm, you should be more careful.

Chris Griffin: Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some
women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and
flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for
the platain section.

Stewie: Ummm, yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese, but
ummm...no Portuguese.

Stewie: Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment
Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need
improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do...
Stewie (flips notepad): Something good... something good... You look
like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

[Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The
Dukes of Hazzard]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get
Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian Griffin: Enis.
Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
Brian Griffin: Anus.

Government Agent: You're mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!