Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered
my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I
have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do
it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know
what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth
it, totally worth it.

Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!

What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you
and such.

The Fellas At The Freakin' FCC Song
Peter: They will clean up all your talking in a matter such as this
Brian: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a p*ss
Stewie: And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: It’s the plain situation!
There's no negiotiation!
Peter: With the fellows at the freakin FCC!

Brian: They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of the special interest
groups…
Peter: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
Stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: Take a tip, take a lesson!
You’ll never win by messin’
Peter: With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC

And if you find yourself with some you sexy thing
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can’t say penis!

So they sent this little warning they’re prepared to do the worst
Brian: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be co-erced
Stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it
first!

Peter, Brian, & Stewie: They may just be neurotic
Or possible psychotic
They’re the fellas at the freakin FCC!

Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as
a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a
crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?

Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions
eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say,
you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because
you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that
time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video
with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.

Stewie (to Meg): So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever
actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if
you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg
if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the
yearbook. So, umm...you know thats something to think
abou..(burps)..oops just burped

Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm
going to kill you."

Lois (to Stewie): Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. It's good for you!
Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois): Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright
Brothers!

Lois (to Stewie): Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. It's good for you!
Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois): Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright
Brothers!

Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off.
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of...
STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.

Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular",
dummy, the "s" is silent!



OMG

.....am dead

Stewie: Oh yes, you have a lot to think about: public drunkenness, grand
theft auto...
Brian: You forgot the part where I made you smash your head into the
windshield.
Stewie: I don't remember-
Brian: (Slams on brakes, causing Stewie to fly forward into winshield)
Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
[flashback]
Roadrunner: Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.

Venessa -Chris you have to put your parents into a home! Don't you ever
want to inherit this Fu**ing house?!?
Chris - Now Venessa, don't swear around Pablo.
Venessa - Oh that little ****'s from Guam or something. He probably only
speaks Spanish.
Stewie (Pablo) -Hey "Nessa"--a bullet sounds the same in every language
so stuff a sock in it cow!

Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken
away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.