Stewie: Uh you've reached stewie and brian, we're not here right now, uh
and if this is mom, uh send money because we're college students and we
need money for books...and highlighters...and.... ramen noodles...and
condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.

When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.

Stewie: Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's
just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh,
it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it
I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

LMAO gurls!!!

I'm dying!!!

Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if
you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and
"Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.

Stewie: Damn, must have pulled something playing hoops last week. (Goes
to flashback of Stewie playing basketball.)
Stewie: I know you ain't puttin that rock up from here, cause you ain't
got no J! (Stewie trips basketball player)
Baskeball player: Yo man, that's trippin!
Stewie: Brotha please, you're the one who's trippin'! Now go on! Cry
home to your momma! She waitin' for ya!
Basketball player: Now don't make me stick my size thirteens up yo
narrow ass!
Stewie: Oh, sweet! Bring it on *****! Now how you gonna act?!
(Basketball player walks away.) Jeeze! Bringin that trash in here. Dis
is my house!!!

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We're off on the road to Rhode
Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and
Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/
We're certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all
the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these
bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a
plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a
lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put
bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head
then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're
Wonder Woman!

Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night
drinking.

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say
the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn
until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the
dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is
that?!

Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer!

Death's Mother: Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite.
Death: I don't have any skin.
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no
sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!

LMAO:

Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?

Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispacted Mr. Hooper, I've
got 6 armed men stationed out side Big Bird's nest, and well as for
Linda, well, its rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin
approach now, isn't it?!
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Oh indeed I can! (Pulls out a raygun.) One! Two! Three! Can I
count to three for God's sake?! I'm already shooting at a fifth grade
level!