aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !
or an
aaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ????

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health
and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you
diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his
lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball
coach?"

Where did VAN GOGH?
VAN didn’t GOGH, Instead he said, VICTOR HUGO
VICTOR didn’t go too, for he saw GAUGUIN


For those who are a bit behind (just-in case) …..

Where did Van Go ?
Van didn’t Go, Instead He said, Victor U Go
Victor didn’t go too, for he saw GAU Going...

Wow.... what a coincidence.... i know of somethin else which has the
same functions, but perhaps, it not only is a lot more popular albeit
favored...... but you also get a lot of favors in return...

Wanna know what it is ?

Ya know... it's funny how these ideas creep up only when you get a bit
older..... if we had some clue, it would have made college and workin
days so easy, not to mention a lot cheap !

But then these shrinkers only take on elderly people.. had we gone with
the same request, they might have kicked us out after the first time...

or, perhaps if we had gone to an elderly spinster, shrinker, she may
have even paid us to return again and again...

Must pass this on to the guys who find it difficult to make out !

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor sked, "What
can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it
here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the
doctor's office."

Ha... Must try it sometime ! Ofcourse with somethin else !

Bonjour....

Ya know, for a minute I thought you said that you worked in a "PEEKING
Dog show" and was wonderin ...... well this piece is somethin....

Now that I reread it.... apologies and welcome again !

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, lifts weights and
jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices
that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to
do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the
dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down
and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Well.... there is the "men with a vagina" bit... if it was wrong to
release this !!!

Just to clear up any misapprehensions !

Unfortunately, had to release the "women with a penis" bit earlier as
you had to gauge their feelings before coming out with this .......
a'right here goes....


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing
time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Now, where do we go from here !

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may
seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

Finally,

1. Repeat No.9 !

Hey karma....was the second wrong an echo !!!

Must visit the grand canyon some time !

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it,
prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what
it is, so he doesn’t tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for dinner dad?”

Well, it's a surprise, he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are
eating.

Ok, says her dad, here’s a hint. It’s what your mother sometimes calls
me.

His daughter screams, Don’t eat it, Jimmy! It’s a ****ing arsehole!!!

Uh... oh.... slip thud..... hey animallo... pull me out !!!

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103% ?

Herein is one answer.

A little math that might prove helpful.

What really is this 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

And,

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H * T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullsh*t will put you over the top.

So guys, if you are not there, you better add some more "S--T"

Well that's all what advertising, marketing PR is all about..

A lady was at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, her
legs spread and boobs hanging, when she heard the doctor talking to
himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ……... My, what a big
vagina!"

The lady obviously, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed.

Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately

"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly
unprofessional of you to say something like that.

To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor,

Please forgive me, he repeated.

But just to set the record straight, I said it only ONCE !!!!

(For those who are lost – the other one was the echo !)

Although most of us would not like to get or be present in a court....
these questions are actually good

Infact they generate tremendous amount of humor in the courtroom... and
lightens up the entire session... makes it easier to arrive at a
solution fast..

Yeah....sorry dane... must start watching more movies... they give a
better insight into these questions..... sorry dude...

Snacky.......

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian ?
One's a "snack" cracker,the other's a crack "snacker"...

Sorry couldn't help it.....

Incidentally, funny side apart, these are legal questions quite commonly
asked to gauge not only the honesty, presence of mind of the person
being question.... In all likelihood, most of these questions obtain/
get an answer... most of them which gives a vital clue as well...


So let's not get down to the criticism.... beacuse it spells trouble for
people who commented....

toodles

please there are no bad jokes... it is just they way it is presented...
and please don't begin a joke with either.... say... this is gonna be
funny, or say that you might have heard it before, and wasn't that funny
or whatever..... the joke is the suspense !

So much so for bad jokes......

A'right.....Pat was feelin horny and needed a woman desperately, but he
was broke... So he went up to his pappy and asked for some moolah...
Pappy too was equally broke but could understand his son's need so he
gave him a duck and asked him to manage with that

So Pat went to the Maam's.... He went in met his favorite gal and got
down to business.... He was so good that the girl said that she would
return the duck, if he did her again.. Pat complied, finished his
business and returned home..

So Pat took that duck and was returning home, when he was nearly hit by
a car... Pat survived, but the duck unfortunately kicked the bucket...
The driver feelin extremely apologetic took out his wallet and gave him
50 bucks..

Pat's pappy asked him how the evening was....

Well it was kinda spooky says Pat..... and the Pappy asked him why ?

Well for starters,

I got f*ck for a duck and a duck for a f*ck and f*cking fifty bucks for
a dead duck !!