Update: Thanks to a new birth control pill (Loestrin24Fe) I was on for a week I had the warning signs from the pamphlet they give you: migraines/headache, blurred vision, dizziness, depression, and insomnia. They say to stop taking the pill if you have these symptoms so I stopped today and already I feel a bit better. I called the damn doctor and left a message saying I'm not going to be on anything for the next two weeks unless he puts me back on Enjuvia (which helped everything) because I have to finish up school and I can't be freakin' dizzy and not able to sleep with severe migraines, etc. while trying to finish up my classes here. I'm waiting for a response from them.

You know what I've noticed with these stupid birth control pills is that there is a warning in every pamphlet saying you shouldn't be on the pill if you have these things: irregular bleeding, depression, high cholesterol, migraines/headaches. I have all of those and yet they are persisting to put me on all of these damn pills that make me so sick. I'm already tired of being their damn lab rat. Can't wait to see what's in store for me 2 weeks from now...haha...

you write like an angel....

so true...so very, very true....

beautifully poetic... *funny note: sucks when you have writer's block, though...lol*

excellent write! so true to the reality of those who suffer from this horrible plague!

First off, thanks to PacificStar. I'm sorry you didn't have good adoptive parents. I was very, very fortunate because I was not the best child (not all my fault of course) and I don't know how many parents would have put up with me honestly. Okay, on to my update now.

So I've been sick for 2 days due to a birth control pill I was put on that turned out I was already on before. The best part about it was that this time it gave me these horrible dizzy spells where I felt I was going to black out/faint. I couldn't look at the computer/TV without everything spinning. I had a migraine, hot/cold chills, my fingers/toes tingled, my stomach was upset, I had diarrhea, I couldn't eat/didn't want to, etc., etc., etc. So I called the doctor today to tell them about all this crap and guess what they tell me? "None of these things can be from the pill you're on. You must have the flu." Haha. And I get dizzy often? I've never felt like this ever before in my life and they're telling me this. Then they tell me that what I was on before, Tri-Sprintec is not the same as Sprintec. At least they tried to tell me that. Haha. The nurse I talked to wanted to believe she was "god" but I am a patient who knows what is going on with her body and what the hell she's been on before. So, she talks to the doctor and they have me on a new birth control pill now. Why they didn't just put me back on the estrogen pill that gave me no bad symptoms and actually made me feel better than I was I have no idea, but now I'm not something new called Loestrin. If this doesn't make me sick and I don't keep having a period from it then I get to stay on it. Mind you I'm still in school right now and I'm being tested on like a lab rat by these people. If the birth control pills, devices, and all this crap doesn't work and I end up having to get a hyesterectomy anyway my insurance is going to get a very mean letter from me about all of this and all the crap they put me through because they thought they knew my body better than me. If I find something that works and stops the bleeding and stops me from having a kid, great. But if I don't and I still am going to be having the surgery I wanted to have in the first place and I had to struggle through all this sickness and crap along the way then my insurance isn't only going to pay for my surgery but I may even sue them for taking my health away for however long they do. You can't assume you know someone's body when that person knows their body better than you. I mean HELLO, it's THEIR BODY!!!! I'm already sick and tired of being sick and tired and I've barely begun the process. I know I'm ranting but this is a very serious matter that people just don't freakin' get, especially stupid insurance companies. "We won't let you jump to the extreme until you've tried everything else." Well what if you know that everything else won't work? And what if you make them try everything else and you were wrong? How in the world do you make up for that? That's what I want to know. My head hurts. I need to do more homework, but I'm still shaky/not feeling 100% better. Why can't someone else feel all this crap for once instead of me? Let someone else deal with it for once; how about a man; especially someone who works for an insurance company; and then come back to me and let me know how it felt to walk in my shoes if only for 5 freakin' minutes....

thanks to AngelLight and Gossipmpm ...I am finally free and I've never felt so alive!

I kept waiting for you to change,
Thinking somehow, some way
We could make it work.

But through the help of others
I came to see that I
Have to stand my ground
When it comes to
Respect and plain old decency.

I tried to make it work.
I shut my eyes to
All the lies, all the abuse
You put me through.
I told myself it would
Get better with time.
But honey, you ain't
Worth the sweat
And the tears anymore.

I'm not wrapped around
Your finger like you think I am.
I am breaking free of all this Hell
Because I don't need you to validate me.
I can live without you.
You'll be the one who's sorry,
But I won't care because
You ran out of sorry long ago.
It's too late for us.
I don't have the strength to care.

So it will hurt.
You will be another memory,
Another scar inside of me.
But I can be free.
I don't need you.
I won't need you ever again.

You were not the man I thought I loved.
You sucked me in to your misery,
And I don't need another reason
To lose my mind.
I will heal with time.
I will move on,
But you will still be the same man.
Yet there's nothing I can do.
I've found my wings and I'm ready
To break free from this prison,
This trap you had around me.

How could I have stayed with you
As long as I did?
You never respected me.
I never truly loved you;
I just needed you
Like an alcoholic
Needs that drink.

For everything you did to me,
For everything you are,
You are my yesterday,
And I'm starting over as of today.
You will never hurt me again
Because when tomorrow comes
You will be alone
And I will be free at last.

thank you to all who replied: 2cool4school , LAMom , d4tc , and MsTeddyBear2u . I am going through a rough spot right now. I was actually thinking of leaving this site, but instead I'm going to edit my profile and stay here in case I need to write/vent some more. Thank you for the encouragement and love. There are some things I just need to sort out on my own, but thank you all for caring.

I wish it were just a write....

I don't know how to make
These thoughts into words,
Let alone anything that
Would make sense
To the human race.

I don't know how to
Make anyone understand
What I'm feeling.
I don't even know what I'm
Supposed to be feeling anymore.

I've watched too many people
Come and go throughout my life
That a part of me has become numb
While the other part will not
Accept anybody's goodbye.

If you lose your virginity
Is it expected that you
Provide sex to anyone
Who comes along?

I don't know how to say no
To anyone anymore,
Nor do I see a point
In arguing about it.

It's just sex, isn't it?
It doesn't have to mean
That you love someone, does it?
Isn't it just about pleasure?
Or is it supposed to be
Something sacred, something cherished?
Have I indeed become a whore?

Why is it that I'm surrounded
By so many men who want me
But I come home feeling so empty?
I feel like crying, like crawling
Into a cave and disappearing.
What the hell is wrong with me?

Why is the ache back in my wrist?
Why does that razor tempt me again?
Why does sex seem so fake?
And why do I want to cry
When someone tells me I'm beautiful?

I don't want to be pretty.
I don't want anyone to want me.
I never wanted to feel this alone.
I never thought I'd be wanted like this,
But I never wanted to be wanted like this.
I just wanted to be loved.
I just want to be loved.

I'm so alone.
I can't even love myself.

great write, as always

Thank you to PacificStar48 for sharing her personal struggles on this thread. Actually I am under my parents insurance/coverage/whatever and will be until I'm 25. I don't want to be kicked off because then they will be paying for whatever insurance I need. With all of my health problems (physically and mentally) no one will want me insurance wise. I'm stuck in school up until I get my masters so I can practice what I want to do (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Borderline patients and help diagnose children as well as help others who need it). But I am not even in grad school yet.

With all of my mental and physical problems I know there is no way that I can have a child. I've been around a couple of them due to dating a few men who had them and I've found that I don't hate children like I thought I did. I can be great with kids when I try, but I'm still not 100% fond of them. I never was. I'm just hoping that either whatever I'm experimented with (birth control, devices, etc.) will either fail and I will have to resort to a hysterectomy or we will find one that works (hopefully one like Mirena). Or maybe my ultrasound results will come back and I will have fibroids and he will have to perform a hysterectomy. I want something that is permanent and that will work for me. Birth control pills did not work in the past and depo obviously made things worse. I just want to be able to #1: get through a day without being in constant pain, being ill, being constantly tired and #2: not have to worry about getting pregnant permanently as well as not worry about having a horrible, painful period.

Again I appreciate your thoughts on this and I'm glad you got through okay with your kids. I was actually given up for adoption because my biological mother had the same disorder I have (Borderline Personality Disorder) among many other problems. The three children before me were taken away from her because of her emotional state. I know I would not be able to handle a child. I can barely handle myself most of the time. I have to focus on just being able to get through a day with just plain old me and that is always going to be a struggle for me. That's just the way I was born. Others don't have to struggle like this daily. People say I'd be a great mom, but they don't see the real me when they say that. It's hard enough working on yourself, trying to improve. I can't imagine having a child and trying to raise it. I have a cat and she's enough for me.

Update: So I was taken off the estrogen--Tuesday being my last day and that night I had a major breakdown, probably due to being taken off the medicine (I thought I'd have to go to the hospital and be institutionalized again but I got through it with the help of a friend). This Sunday I start a new birth control and I have to get my blood pressure checked in 3 weeks. My blood pressure has always been normal, so this better not mess it up. I'm supposed to call after the first month and let them know how it went and all. I also had my ultrasound and am waiting for those results. If I have anything I'll post again to let you know. If things are normal I'll wait until my next post to put that it was normal. Well, that's about it for my update--at least with that part of myself...lol...

really good write.....

I actually am on estrogen now because of my severe PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder)...my adoptive mom is definitely on a hormone that she keeps cutting down due to the fact that she is aging....the estrogen is making me feel better than I was with minor side effects (most of which appear and then go away...lol).

one of the best poems I've read.....wow.... You express pain in a raw language so people can feel the reality.... You are indeed a writer...

Thank you to carold

I know how that is, to feel a connection with someone like that and knowing you'll never have that again...it's like a soul mate thing....It never does truly go away, but you have to move on (and I'm glad you have even though it is very hard)...I know how hard that can be and I'm sorry you've had to endure it... ....and thanks again for the compliment on my poetry

thank you to: MzEm , AngelLight , njmom05 , and CyPoet

I appreciate all of your comments and input on my writings/poetry/song lyrics. It's because of people's comments that I continue to write and post on here after all, so thank you all. And to njmom05, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in this "farewell", and I'm also happy to hear that you are doing better now. Again, thank you all for reading.