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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Caption Competition
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Now THAT is one cool babe. 
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Topic:
Battle of the Sexes
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Topic:
Advantages of Reaching 50
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Topic:
The Chinese Ear Wax Cure
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A guy has suffered for many years with an incurable ear wax problems and after visiting all the top practitioners is told that there is NO known remedy. However, He searches the internet and discovers that there is, in an extremely remote part of China, an old man who may be able to help. He travels for several days, first by plane, then by Junk across the South China Sea, bus across for three days overland, and finally by donkey to a mountain village where the old Chinese man lived After examining the guys problem first, the old man says. "Ahh so. I see your probrem. Vely easy to remedy. You must drop trousers and place wirry on table." The man is a little sceptical, but because of the distance he's travelled, and knowing that this is his last chance to cure his suffering does as the old man says. He drops his pants and places his prized possession on the table. "Now." Says the old Chinaman. "This only take a second." The old man steps up to the table. Closes his eyes, screams, "HiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiYA!" And, with lightening speed, brings his hand down in a karate chop on the guys penis. And the wax shot out of the guys ears........................................................................................................................................................................................................... KERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPOW!  
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Topic:
First Day of Work
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A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said, "Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. I'll show you how."
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Topic:
nursery rhymes
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Mary Mary quite contrary How does your garden grow? UPWARDS You dumb sh it! Ding Dong Dell Puss ies in the well We put some disinfectant in 'Cos we can't stand the smell Humptey Dumptey sat on the wall Humptey Dumptey had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men had scramblked eggs for breakfast
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Topic:
Bear Hunting
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Frank was excited about his new array of weapons and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a bear in a clearing and shoots it. He runs into the clearing. NO BEAR. There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big bear. The bear said, "You're not a very good shot. Are you?" I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he took his gun with the telescopic sight. He saw the bear once again in a clearing, took aim and shot it. He ran into the clearing. NO BEAR. There was, once again, a tap on his shoulder. The same bear stood right next to him and said, "YOU again. Look. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or I get my friends to have sex with you." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with he bear than be mauled to death. So the bear called ALL his friends, and they had their way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska with his most powerful hunting rifle. An Elephant gun, and managed to track down the bear and shoot it. He ran into the clearing, looked around. NO BEAR Once again, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find the bear standing there. The bear looked at him, sighed and said , " You know something Frank, I don't think you come here for the hunting, do you?" 
OMFG
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1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. (Grrrrrrrrrrrrr) 2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 
3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 
4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 10. He who hesitates is probably right. 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS
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1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. (Grrrrrrrrrrrrr) 2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 10. He who hesitates is probably right. 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody. 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS
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Topic:
Definitions
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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN:Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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Topic:
Life in the Army
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Dear Mom & Dad, I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing. We must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no steaks or stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back. This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody racoons head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our bull got their cow pregnant. All youse gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload. Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Bubba and Steve all at once like we do. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is. Your loving daughter, Jill.
Good one Tom
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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!" he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Gods sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the Friggin cat out, cleaned the litterbox, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-a$$es downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!
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Topic:
Why Women Can't Fix Cars
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Topic:
Sound of Mind
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the Bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic Act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I Have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim - the patient you saved - hung Himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN
Oh brother.
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Topic:
No wonder parents drink !
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. 'Yes,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No.' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes .' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'
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Ronnie Brown, an old biker of 57 years, approaches a young woman inside the mall during the busy holiday shopping season. Excuse me," he says, "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow, says, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea," Ronnie Brown sighs, "But every time I talk to a woman with t its like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."
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Topic:
Get away from or.....
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If there's booze and women provided, I'm in.
 
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Topic:
Doctors Report
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