jesus, moses, and an old man were playing golf. jesus tees off and hits the ball on the water. so he walks on the water and hits it in for a birdie. moses tees off and hits the ball in the water also. he parts the water and then hits it in for a birdie. so then the old man tees off and before it hits the water a big fish jupmped out and caught the ball in its mouth. then an eagle swooped down and picked up the fish and flew up in the air. then lightning strikes next to the eagle and the eagle drops the fish and the fish drops the ball and it rolls in for a hole in one.

jesus looks at the old man and says, "dad if you are going to play like that then we wont bring you next time."

three guys were sitting in a bar in new york. you know how the bars are there? 50 stories in the air. so the first guy takes a drink and says, "i bet you that i can jump out that window and bounce back up without being harmed." the second guy says, "youre on." the guy jumps out bounces up and then sits back down. not even a scratch. so the second guy takes onother drink and says, "well if he can do it then i can too." so he jumps and he explodes on the sidewalk and dies. the third guy looks at the first guy and says, "superman, you are a real a**h**e when you are drunk."

a carrot a head of lettuce and a penis were all sitting on a fence.the lettuce is sad and he says my life sucks people chop me up and toss me around and dont care anyhting about me. the carrot says, "you think you got it bad. they put me in salads and feed me to little long eared creatures. the penis looks at them both and says, "i got you both beat. do you know what they do to me. they stick a plastic bag over my head and shove me down a long dark tunnel with no flashlight and then make me do pushups till i puke."

i cant stop laughing that is so funny and i also know some girls like that

wow true and funny

my nickname is umbrella

a chines man, a white man, and a black man all die and go to hell. they want to go back to living so they decide to make a deal with the devil. the devil says that if they let him touch their penis and it does not melt off then he will let them go. so they all agree. the chinese man is first but his melts off. then the white mans penis melts off. finally it is the black guys turn. satn touches his penis and it does not melt. so satn lets him go and as he is about to leave, satan asks him to tell him his secret. the black guy just says, "chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

the difference is that one is white plastic that is harmful to kids under the age of 6 and the other one is just a plastic grocery sac

a lawyer and a forest ranger die on the same day and they are both standing in front of the pearly gates waiting for st. peter to let them in. st. peter looks on his computerized book of life and then says for both of them to come with him. so they jump in st. peters mercedes benz and they drive down the golden road, up a platinum road then finally up a diamond road up to an enormous mansion. peter turns to the lawyer and says "this is where you will spend eternity." then they drive back down the diamond road onto the platinum and then golden road then they turn on a silver road then down a bronze road then down asphalt and then down stone pavement and then finally down a dirt road right up to a little shack. peter says to the forest ranger "this is where you will spend all of eternity."

the forest ranger asks in shock, "how come the lawyer got the big mansion and all i got was a shack?" to which peter responds, "forest rangers here are a dime a dozen. weve never had a lawyer before."

WTF!!??!!??noway:

ive heard that one before but it is still funny.

mrvelous i swear

what is the difference between michael jackson and a plastic grocery bag.

wtf

RIGHT ON

thats f****** hilarious

this man walked into a diner and he sat down at his favorite table and ordered his usual meal. he is sitting there eating it when he hears some people chanting over in the corner of the diner. he doesnt really think anything of it cuz there are usually wierd people who come to that diner. but it doesnt stop. it is this group of people over in the corner chanting, "72 days! 72 Days!72 days!"

he finally finishes his meal and then he finishes his dessert but the chanting has still not stopped.
he pays his bill and then goes over to the table to find out that all the people chanting are actually blondes. he asks what appears to be the "we figured out a puzzle in 72 days that said 3-5 yrs."