or maybe you just realize that trust and faith is an illusion, that just because you choose to trust someone doesn't mean they are trustworthy, and that is why no matter what relationship you enter into it's all about taking a chance and doesn't make any difference wheather you have walls up or walls down

We all have something in common that we pay closer attention to a negative than a positive. There could be 1000 positive things and even 1 negative thing will profoundly affect us. Add enough negatives over time and you cannot see the positive in its true intent.

I am Guilty of doing this.

maybe, or it means I was joking with you. lighten up.

lighten up?...well I guess that's what I get for never placing those silly "LOLs" or stupid happy faces on any of my posts

me too. same problem. and people get cranky with me when I do it too. Let's commiserate!

so true darlin!

hiker...did you put that stick back up your ass? hahaha i love you pumpkin!!!!!!!!!!

im actually startin to like you

It's very hard for me to let people get close to me also. When I feel people are getting close to me I start to push them away.

(((totage))) i wondered when you would show up. i know darlin from past threads that is too is a problem you have as well.

nah, just kinda pulling it in and out

Oh STOP!!! Just jump in with both feet and swim in some lovin! What's the worst that could happen? You end up exactly where you are now??? GO FOR IT!!

You are a women approaching 40 you don't have a choice, its in a woman’s nature as they get older to do just that....its not about AT ALL its about you.....

stop trying to find excuses to NOT fall in love and JUMP, don't fall!!!

I dont know how to put this but to me if you put the wall down then you leave yourself open for him to tear your heart out if he is one of them take it and just tear your heart to shreds...but I also learned if you dont let that wall down then you just might be losing the best thing that could ever happen to you for the rest of your life...My last relationship I had with a guy I kept living in the past on the things he did...and he always say the past is the past leave it there....im like well the past maybe the past but that past was just three days ago.....but now that things are over between us and were just friends now its like more frustrating now that he has a gf again and he just wants to rub it in my face that he has someone new but yet still harboring deep feelings for me still and I tell him nothing can happen ever again between us...He tells me you need to bring that wall down now and let me in again...im like hello you have a new gf why do you need me too...he says because I still love you....so I told him the wall stays up when it concerns you but the wall will always be there for me til the next guy can truely show me he aint going to do to me like the others did....shhhhhhh......lol witch wont take long for me because I just cant keep a wall around my heart very long that is my prob and is why I always end up getting hurt...

I used to do the same thing you did. I put walls up or as I put it I put myself in my protective shell like a turtle. I'd been hurt enough times that I didn't want to be hurt again.

We're all afraid that someone will discover our vulnerabilities and that we're less than perfect person they seem to think we are. The honeymoon period in a relationship usually lasts 6 months and it's during that time that we're on our best behavior and we want to show the other person only the best parts of ourselves. Anything deeper requires a lot of trust.

Real relationships are based on honesty and trust. They are the foundation you use to build the relationship. If you have honesty between the two of you, then building the trust is possible. Lying and cheating and avoiding difficult questions won't get you where you want to be with the man in your life.

I use trust building exercises to build that trust that is so essential. It may be revealing some small hidden fact about me that I wouldn't want everyone to know and seeing how she handles it. If she seems to handle it well then we go onto larger things.

One thing that isn't clear to me is if you have any real chemistry with this guy you're leading on. It sounds like you like him but you don't want him to get real close. Chemistry depends on more than just physical attraction although that's important. Chemistry happens when there are a huge number of connections you make with someone - shared opinions and values, shared history or experiences, shares tastes in music and other things. The more there are the more chemistry there is. Do you have loads of connections with this guy or is he just someone who pays a lot of attention to you and that's what you really like about him?

I understand all of that. I think the reason people get hurt in relationships is because of expectations. It has less to do with how much you are capable of loving him, as what your expectations are for him to love you back. Look at him as a person and just decide if he is a person and human being who is worthy of your love. (Don't make your love a conditional love that is not given unless he loves you back the same way ~ That would be conditional love.)

Give unconditional love when you give love. This does not mean that I am saying you should love everyone unconditionally ~ even iF they are assholes. If you find that you like who they are and you find yourself loving who they are, then just love them and express that love honestly without fretting about whether or not he is going to love you back. It is not about you, it is about whether or not you are capable of giving love.

If you are not capable of giving love without expecting the same in return, then you are not giving love at all, you are striking some sort of bargain. (If you love me... then I will love you.) That is not love. That is a bargain, and a contract that can be broken, hence, you get hurt.

If you love him, not expecting his love in return, (hard to do I know) but if you do, that is real love. He CANNOT STOP YOU FROM LOVING HIM if you so choose. But it is a love that does not expect anything in return.

That is what I mean by unconditional love.

JB

he has never been lead on what-so-ever. he has known from day one of every speaking to me how i am and why. but yes, we do share alot of other things in common. we have alot of the same wants, likes and desires. its not based on his attention that is for sure. his lack of attention in some areas was part of my cause for complaint, but dont want to go into that. we are working on things though. i thank you very much for your input and advice.

If you have explained it to him he should understand. I do, but I've been on the scared side of the coin. Good luck Madamx-Healing takes time.