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| Topic: I am ashamed of myself...... | |
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the thing I fear most is that if I give my heart away and it gets obliterated there will be nothing left of me at all..that is my biggest fear..it is easy for people to say, oh you have to take chances but wow - getting past those walls takes some dynamite - or something
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i have a guy who adores me. he is kind, gentle, respectful, loving, nice looking, great background, etc.....dont get me wrong, yes, he has his quirks, but dont we all. i have picked him apart until there is nothing left. i have analyzed the hell out of every move he makes and every word he speaks. i am so afraid of letting the walls down that this poor guy hasnt had a chance in hell from day one. he is putting his heart out on the table, trying to open up and i continue to shut him down. i dont mean to...im SCARED! no one knows where i have been or been thru. im not saying at all that my problems and situations are any worse than anyone elses. each of us have our crosses to bear and what we feel is real to us. heartache is heartache no matter how ya slice it. im afraid that if i dont learn to let these walls down i will live a very lonely life. but i dont know how to do it. he has never been in a real relationship before and doesnt know what to do either....its like the blind leading the blind. people have read some of my threads on here about him and yes, i made him look like an ass, because i was trying to see him as an ass in order to make me feel better about closing him out, in reality he isnt that big of an ass...he has his moments though haha. but not all the threads were about him either. ok...im done babbling...  While I don't go about taking people apart, I DO find that I have put up a number of walls that very few people have been able to circumvent. It's mostly due to a fear of intimacy on my part- I often get afraid when showing affection, probably because I think I'm showing some sort of perceived weakness. People have often complained about my not showing any "feelings" toward them and stuff- it's not because I don't like them, but rather because I'm afraid to. I probably need to see a therapist about that, huh.  i am sooooooooo glad you wrote about this. he admits too that he has a problem with intimacy...feels vulnerable. then when he does open, i crap on it! im the asshole here!!!!!!! Even worse is that I clam up even worse when I'm called out on my inability to show affection. That, or I assume they're wanting to break up with me right off the bat (this just happened recently, in fact). It's probably one of several explanations as to why I'm still single at 35.
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i have a guy who adores me. he is kind, gentle, respectful, loving, nice looking, great background, etc.....dont get me wrong, yes, he has his quirks, but dont we all. i have picked him apart until there is nothing left. i have analyzed the hell out of every move he makes and every word he speaks. i am so afraid of letting the walls down that this poor guy hasnt had a chance in hell from day one. he is putting his heart out on the table, trying to open up and i continue to shut him down. i dont mean to...im SCARED! no one knows where i have been or been thru. im not saying at all that my problems and situations are any worse than anyone elses. each of us have our crosses to bear and what we feel is real to us. heartache is heartache no matter how ya slice it. im afraid that if i dont learn to let these walls down i will live a very lonely life. but i dont know how to do it. he has never been in a real relationship before and doesnt know what to do either....its like the blind leading the blind. people have read some of my threads on here about him and yes, i made him look like an ass, because i was trying to see him as an ass in order to make me feel better about closing him out, in reality he isnt that big of an ass...he has his moments though haha. but not all the threads were about him either. ok...im done babbling... While I don't go about taking people apart, I DO find that I have put up a number of walls that very few people have been able to circumvent. It's mostly due to a fear of intimacy on my part- I often get afraid when showing affection, probably because I think I'm showing some sort of perceived weakness. People have often complained about my not showing any "feelings" toward them and stuff- it's not because I don't like them, but rather because I'm afraid to. I probably need to see a therapist about that, huh. i am sooooooooo glad you wrote about this. he admits too that he has a problem with intimacy...feels vulnerable. then when he does open, i crap on it! im the asshole here!!!!!!! Even worse is that I clam up even worse when I'm called out on my inability to show affection. That, or I assume they're wanting to break up with me right off the bat (this just happened recently, in fact). It's probably one of several explanations as to why I'm still single at 35. omg....... he tries and then i shut him right down...i do this to him, i know it! then i get on his ass for not being open with me....when he is, im a fricken jerk....God i pray that i get over this. i may end up losing something good because of my fear of losing it! is that not crazy or what?!?!?! |
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You know what the best thing in the world is, Kitt? someone who knows you well and loves you anyway.
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You know what the best thing in the world is, Kitt? someone who knows you well and loves you anyway. he tells me if he says these things to me enough i will start to believe it. says i have been brainwashed for so many years with the bad stuff that he is going to brainwash me in reverse. he really is sweet and kind. i am lucky....i just need to stop my behavior. |
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You know what the best thing in the world is, Kitt? someone who knows you well and loves you anyway. he tells me if he says these things to me enough i will start to believe it. says i have been brainwashed for so many years with the bad stuff that he is going to brainwash me in reverse. he really is sweet and kind. i am lucky....i just need to stop my behavior. yeah, you do, and you will, in time. I am sure he knows that you are worth his patience and time. You didn't lose your trust over night and you won't regain it over night. just keep trying - realizing it is a huge step...you will get there. 
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I was on anti-depressants off and on for about 7 years. The weirdest thing I learned was that I could change how I responded to things that used to piss me off. I learned that I don't have to react or respond in the same old way. You can change your behavior first without having to change your feelings first.
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im so quick to judge, quick to assume, quick to accuse. grrrrrrrrrrr
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I have been up on the mountain with this wonderful lady...I have also been with her in the pitt of hell......I am beyond proud of you kitt....and especially letting the walls for both come tumbling down......You can teach alot of people a massive amount about relationships, trust, and just in life in general.......and this my sweet is something that is going to happen...and then bam you will look back and not have any regrets....Love you my Sister
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(((madam))) I know how you feel and if this man truly loves you and you truly love him, all of this will prevail.
He will come to understand and love you for you and I am sure his is special if you have chosen him to be in your life. Keep the faith and we will all have you in our thoughts I love you doll and you are an amazing woman and he knows it i have a guy who adores me. he is kind, gentle, respectful, loving, nice looking, great background, etc.....dont get me wrong, yes, he has his quirks, but dont we all. i have picked him apart until there is nothing left. i have analyzed the hell out of every move he makes and every word he speaks. i am so afraid of letting the walls down that this poor guy hasnt had a chance in hell from day one. he is putting his heart out on the table, trying to open up and i continue to shut him down. i dont mean to...im SCARED! no one knows where i have been or been thru. im not saying at all that my problems and situations are any worse than anyone elses. each of us have our crosses to bear and what we feel is real to us. heartache is heartache no matter how ya slice it. im afraid that if i dont learn to let these walls down i will live a very lonely life. but i dont know how to do it. he has never been in a real relationship before and doesnt know what to do either....its like the blind leading the blind. people have read some of my threads on here about him and yes, i made him look like an ass, because i was trying to see him as an ass in order to make me feel better about closing him out, in reality he isnt that big of an ass...he has his moments though haha. but not all the threads were about him either. ok...im done babbling... |
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deb and merle i love you both so much....you two know a great deal of my ups and downs and where ive been. you truly understand what im saying and have been there holding my hand while i walk this walk with jeff. i love you both! xoxoxox
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deb and merle i love you both so much....you two know a great deal of my ups and downs and where ive been. you truly understand what im saying and have been there holding my hand while i walk this walk with jeff. i love you both! xoxoxox We love you to sweet woman......I am truly honored to call you and merle my sisters....you both truly are. |
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It sounds like part of the dilemma is whether to soften your heart or harden it. If the guy is treating you with the proper amount of respect, then I believe you should soften your heart and return the respect he's showing for you.
My first marriage failed in part because my wife put some pretty incredible walls up and I couldn't breach them. I had the love we needed, but she didn't want to return my affection. I think for love to work best it needs to be a two way street. I'm glad you feel there's a problem. Awareness is probably a first step in working these issues out. Have you told your BF how you feel and what issue you're working on? And, what does he say about it? If he's sweet talking you to pressure you into things you're not ready for, though, that's a different story. If you're not ready to be intimate, I'd say, you're right to keep your guard up. If it's a matter of not answering his communication, though, it's a bad thing. You should always respond when someone asks you something or goes to talk to you. Communication is very important. Good luck. And keep talking. Like most guys I'm trying to solve the problem. I guess women are more about, let's talk about the problem and you come to solutions by consensus and discussion more than jumping to quick solutions. |
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It sounds like part of the dilemma is whether to soften your heart or harden it. If the guy is treating you with the proper amount of respect, then I believe you should soften your heart and return the respect he's showing for you. My first marriage failed in part because my wife put some pretty incredible walls up and I couldn't breach them. I had the love we needed, but she didn't want to return my affection. I think for love to work best it needs to be a two way street. I'm glad you feel there's a problem. Awareness is probably a first step in working these issues out. Have you told your BF how you feel and what issue you're working on? And, what does he say about it? If he's sweet talking you to pressure you into things you're not ready for, though, that's a different story. If you're not ready to be intimate, I'd say, you're right to keep your guard up. If it's a matter of not answering his communication, though, it's a bad thing. You should always respond when someone asks you something or goes to talk to you. Communication is very important. Good luck. And keep talking. Like most guys I'm trying to solve the problem. I guess women are more about, let's talk about the problem and you come to solutions by consensus and discussion more than jumping to quick solutions. not ready to be intimate? I find it hard to believe that that's the problem here. |
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Believe it or not u have already made a huge step into letting him in by realizing what u do. Its like when people are addicts they first have to admit before they can get help and change. U are seeing what u do so now u have to just take baby steps to accept what u can't change and change the things u can...Sounds like he isn't goin anywhere so he is willing to stand by u.....U need to do the same in return... in will only get better...
You don't happen to be a virgo are u? |
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he isnt sweet talking me to get what he wants. he really is speaking from the heart. its my heart that is frigid. he is kind and considerate. he does all those little things you wish they would do. if im in the other room reading, he comes in frequently to check on me and kiss me and ask if he can bring me anything, he always wants to do things for me and gets aggrivated because i dont let him. im just not used to having it done! so lately ive been asking for a glass of water or something stupid so he feels like he is doing for me. he keeps saying to me that he needs to feel needed too. im just so used to being the "man of hte house as well as the woman" never had a man to do things like that or be concerned if i was comfortable or needed rest, etc.....
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Believe it or not u have already made a huge step into letting him in by realizing what u do. Its like when people are addicts they first have to admit before they can get help and change. U are seeing what u do so now u have to just take baby steps to accept what u can't change and change the things u can...Sounds like he isn't goin anywhere so he is willing to stand by u.....U need to do the same in return... in will only get better... You don't happen to be a virgo are u? no worse...hahaha im a redheaded leo!!!!! 
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he is also a red headed (auburn) leo...oh boy! haha
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(((madam)))
Sounds like you have found a great guy for you. All of us have fears how we approach and handle that fear helps define us. From what I have read your walls are coming down brick by brick. I believe a person's actions more than their words. And if his actions are matching his words, grab on and jump into the deep end of life, it is great out here. Also take it day by day. Don't plan too much a head. Don't be that hard on yourself. Here is saying that is great: Relinquish the need to change others......Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. |
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Get a puppy. Or better yet, a kitten. You can't help but love them. Then, transfer that love to him.
 Hey, it could happen! |
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