I travel for a living. I've provide a good & stable home for my family. I am not allowed to be a disciplinarian when the kids derail and show disrespect. The wife... well she tolerates or outright ignores their disrespect. When I step in to quell the nonsense, then she steps in like Jesus to save them from wrath of God... thus deleting my purpose as a man/father/husband. I mentally & physically cant deal with the stress of being a bystander in my own home to being disrespected & seeing my wife be disrespected (she seems totally ok with it). Stress was so bad, I had a stroke. Now she's upset that I dont talk to her while I'm out of town. In baseball terms... she swings... she misses... Honestly... i think I'm done. I did the best that i could but right now, it's about me and my health and my healing and moving on with life with or without them. So -a question for the class- What do you think of this? What would you recommend knowing that I have exceeded my wits end to the point of injury. I may need to dip my toes in ocean water and let the sand scour my skin while the sun bakes my skin back to energy with the smell of salt water clear my nasal passages, while looking a fat women in bathing suits... that part *sigh* delightful lol

hi Rich, welcome to M2 and the forums..

speaking for myself.. there are many things you can do IF you are interested in saving your marriage.. I heard what you said about exceeding your breaking point however.. you have not stated how long you've been investing in this relationship with your wife nor as a father.. OR if you've even had the honest "how I feel" conversation with your wife...

first off, I'd suggest asking yourself the hardest questions, no one but you can answer any of them.. regardless of the advice you get from "strangers".. so if you truly want to ask strangers.. why not seek a professional that can help you get to the answers that you really seek.. just saying.. sometimes in life, it's easier to walk away from our responsiblities rather than fight for them..

so Rich.. are you a walker? or a fighter? do you give up/in? or do you give yourself the chance to find out what's best for you AND everyone? the balls in your court sir.. best of luck on your journey

You have let her take over as the head of the household. If she is at home with the kids, she should be using you as the disciplinary figure ("Just wait until your dad gets home!") if she wants to be the kind parent that they run over. But it sounds like you gave up your power, so if you want your kids to be raised with respect then you need to take back the power. How you do this is what you need to figure out...

Now we can offer suggestions, but remember that you are taking advice from people who are not in a relationship...lol.
Here is what I would try, when you get home and they are all there and acting up, warn them that you have had enough an the next person that acts up is getting a spanking. So either your wife will sit back and let you take over or she will step in like you say. Be prepared, she is the one that sounds like she needs a spanking as well...lol I am not saying beat your wife, just bend her over your knee for a spanking in view of the kids. This will show them that you are serious and should calm things down for a while. But it probably will not be a one time fix, if it does work, they will always be pushing the line and you have to be there to push back. Parents are suppose to be parents, kids have enough friends...

I agree with this UNTIL the bit about spanking. That is absolutely never no way the way to go!!
Certainly not spanking your wife in front of your kids.
But you do have to step into your masculine energy. Become a so called healthy masculine energy man.
What you're doing now is pointing fingers, blaming the situation (and thus your kids AND wife!?!). YOU are responsible here! YOU let it slip.

The thing is, when the man is gone a lot a woman will automatically pick up the slack and go into her masculine. She has to in order to get things done. That means when you get home you suddenly have two masculine energy individuals. That is going to clash, as you found out.
So what needs to happen is YOU taken the masculine energy onto your shoulders again and then your wife can shift back into her feminine energy. Problem solved.
The thing is, if this skewed situation has existed for quite some time your wife will be so stuck and used to being in her masculine energy that she will resist.
It's like quitting smoking for someone else.
So it will take some time.
That means you have to allow it time. And show up as the man, the healthy masculine man that is. NOT a demanding, needy, I-feel-sorry-for-myself man, NOR a controlling bully of a man!!

And I'd strongly suggest talking to your wife. She needs to know how you feel, she'll also need to know that you want to change things. Which will also be for her benefit -even though she may still resist and not see this!!!- as carrying the masculine load is utterly exhausting for a woman.
It affects her health, her happiness and joy. And most certainly is one of the big reasons a woman doesn't want to have sex with her man anymore. Or she doesn't really enjoy it anymore.

For you not being in your healthy masculine also affects your health! Did you know that?
Being in your masculine will raise testosterone and your nervous system will stabilise.
That in turn will raise estrogen in your wife and then her nervous system can stabilise as well.

What I would suggest is checking out Jake Woodard. He can explain it all in an easy to understand way. You can find him on FB, YouTube, Insta.
And if you really want to change things round -also for yourself and your health and so you can be a quality partner- you could consider doing his course for men. He doesn't ask top dollar and he's bloody good.
Dive into a bit and you will see exactly why things have gone wrong AND how you can change it. In turn you'll be happier & healthier and quite likely your wife will be happier & healthy & joyful again too, and wanting to have sex with you.

I see the kids and their disrespect as a secondary issue. And chances are that will improve when they see that mum & dad are working things out, working as a team again.
Kids need that!
Mothers cannot take care of everything. As I said, she'll get exhausted, likely gets short and annoyed, and so on, while a woman is the one who brings happiness, joy, warmth, playfulness into a family/relationship.
But this is impossible when she has to do everything by herself without the support of her man!
And yeah, you made yourself redundant. Don't blame her or the kids for that!! Be accountable. Women need that too. A man they can trust, rely on, feel emotionally safe with, who takes care of her, who provides (not just money!! Also stuff like emotional safety, support etc.), protects, takes decisions, takes care of chit in and around the house.
From what you say you have done none of these! And then you wonder why it went wrong?
If you still love your wife and your kids then become the man that they desperately need (even though they may seem not to, they do!!)
And in order to feel whole, like a man, YOU need it as well.

We are only getting half of the story, but it was a suggestion more to get the shock value to get his role back...lol The PC method would probably to tell him to go to counseling and all that, but that is not a quick fix. The kids seeing their dad lose it and spank everyone (the mom would only get it if she tried to step in to stop him). At least the push over role he is in should stop...whether they stay together or not is a different story...lol

There is no quick fix to this.
The fastest fix is for him to change and you don't change by starting to beat people.
That would turn him into a creep who has no self-control.
The behaviour of the kids is only a result of how the parents behave & interact. A side-effect, not the cause.
The cause is him outsourcing his masculine power to his wife, probably thinking 'this is nice and easy. I don't have to do anything, she takes care of everything." Not realising doing this undermines his own masculinity -and health.
Now he's blaming others (wife & kids) for this which is again not masculine. It's what a weak Beta man does.
A healthy masculine would think, "Shoot I effed up! How can I change this?" and take action.

Last thing you want is a weak Beta man to start beating his family.
It would only make things worse, increase the woman's feeling of "See, I do have to take care of everything myself!! I cannot even trust him with our kids!!"
What she needs to feel & experience is relief from having to carry it all on her own. That she can rely on her man, that he is there for her, that he does support her, that she can trust him, and so on.

Doesn't mean counselling is needed. Coaching could be enough. Depends on how much self-regulation he has got. If he does have that it might not even be needed at all, he could do it himself.
But since he's already talking about the easy way out, leaving so he -again- doesn't have to do jack chit, I doubt he has interest or the self-regulation to sort this out without help.

sorry Crystal but I beg to differ..

you're making a lot of suppositions based on facts not in evidence.. every story has 2 sides.. you're reading too much into only his..

the BEST place to start, IMO, is having an honest conversation with his wife, period.. no one can know what's going on with the other person until the right questions are asked.. and he has to ask the hard ones

but then again, what do I know, I've only got an Associates degree in Psychology..

Spanking is not beating, it is like slapping the butt. It is more of a pride thing than it is injury. Not all kids respond well to it so it is a case by case basis. Some times just the threat of a spank is enough. When I had my son living with me and my girlfriends two kids, I never spanked her kids (for one, I did not think it was my place even though both their mom and dad gave me permission while they lived under my roof). But they were younger and my son got in trouble but her kids did not follow so just he got a spanking in front of them. So for her kids, just the threat of a spanking was enough after they seen it happen. As a parent, your kids should have both trust and a little fear in you...trust that you will protect them and teach them right but also a little fear from what might happen if they do what they know is wrong.

You spanked your son in front of his girlfriend's kids??? Which means he's an adult???
To me that is unbelievable and totally disrespectful. And unbelievable he didn't punch your lights out. Not joking.
My children would never ever put up with that chit. No Dutch adult would.
My son could likely easily turn it round and spank me. I think he wouldn't go quite that far, but it'd be the last I'd ever see of him in my life. He'd be livid and quite rightfully so.
And I'd never see my daughter and granddaughters again either.
I guess Americans are different.
I'm not 100% sure but I think you can even get in trouble with police for doing that to an adult/older child.

Well, what can I say... I only got some 13 years of (ongoing) intense studying of the masculine & feminine dynamics, psychology, anatomy and whatnot, and relationships, and coaching people in the subject material. Gave coaching courses about it as well. Courses I myself made. Always got excellent feedback, only had happy clients, and I have helped a lot of people worldwide.
But what do I know, hihi.

Read that again, it was MY girlfriend. My son was probably about 8 at the time and my girlfriend's kids were like 7 and 5 as I recall.

Ah, okay, my apologies!
It was the middle of the night (half past 1) so my brain must've been half asleep and I misread your story.
I still don't agree with spanking your kids though, nor with the bit that parenting should come with a bit of fear.
That's the old model from the time when people didn't know any better and weren't informed about consequences of their action and so on.
And in the olden days people often had a short temper because they were overworked, too tired and so on. Flogging at school etc. was also normal in those days.
But then people often worked 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. Quite logical they don't have time to be considerate then. They were dead tired. For me that was the generation of my grand-parents.
Over here that all changed during my parents' generation and certainly mine.
I vaguely recall being spanked once or twice by my dad but that was already odd and considered not-done.
But could be things are different over there. Different countries & cultures, and laws.

Your situation should have been nip in the bud from the beginning, I don't know if you try or just hope it will even itself out. Your wife also may be harbouring resentment towards you for being an absentee father due to your constant travelling but still that is no excuse for allowing the children to be constantly disrespectful towards you. Regarding your stroke, step back from conflict at home.

Set boundaries for yourself, what you will and won't tolerate but you need to have a heart-to heart talk with your wife without the kids being around. Communicate calmly but firmly if you want to reassert your man/husband/father role. Hear her side. Thrash it out. A different tone may be best when dealing with the kids' disrespect so the wife don't step 'in like Jesus to save them from wrath of God'. Spending more time with the kids can help.

Also taking an ocean break or whatever to regain some clairty and strength is good as long it is not use an excuse to seek better options as the grass is not always greener on the other side because you have already exited the marriage. Support group, coaching counselling...help is available if you both want it and want to save the marriage.

Wup that *** !

After taking time to read all of this thread.. There are a lot of good suggestions..

Which all start with communication.. There are 3 Sides to a Story his, hers & the truth..

Actually to me there is not enough from the OP to justify what all is really going on..

He works and away from home a big part of the time..Therefore the wife is the one to discipline the kids.. (which was not told how old they are) Nor do we know how long they have been together.. Or even how long a time is he even home when home..

I grew up with a Dad that was a cross country truck driver and when home it was maybe a 2-4 days at a time and then gone for a week two or more..

When it is like that kids tend to lean towards the one that is home all the time for discipline or even for support..

When one parent is not around much they become more of a distant relative, unless you make yourself more approachable, by being there more one on one phone calls/facetime..

But it sounds like to me one needs to learn to communicate with the one they are with. Let them know how you feel about them and the way the kids act.. If one does not nip it in the bud then they can not expect things to magically fix it's self.

As far as a Relationship Council I guess many have their own opinion with that not my thing.. One can be book smart about Relationships but have no clue how to really fix relationships they only give suggestions.. And well Self Taught is just that..

As far as discipline.. I'll be the first to say my kids got their butt's busted by me & their dad if they disrespected me, their dad or anyone.. They got toys taken away, had to clean their rooms and did not get to go spend the night with friends etc if they were acting up.. They knew there were rules within our house that we all followed.. And at no time if mom said no or dad they did not run to the other to ask them to try to undermine the other..I will admit I did not have to bust my daughters butt my son was the one that thought he could get by with anything but found out different.. We divorced when my kids were 7 & 9 regardless which parent they were with they knew the consequences were the same..

If one only vents to others an never takes the time to actually sit down with the ones they really need to talk to and set guidelines then things will never get any better.. This is what happens when one lets something keep happening and never speaks up.. Can't blame just the wife and kids..