A friend's husband is really a good guy, (mostly) responsible, balances a successful career with family life etc.

He's very good with the kids, but "the fun parent"...more permissive sometimes winding them up. She's not liking being "the bad guy" disciplinarian and some of his juvenile collectibles are finding their way into areas of the house that they shouldn't be.

I've often heard the opinion that "boyish" qualities are endearing, but how much is too much?.....and how much would you want to change the "manboy" you fell in love with?

I think that situation is all a matter of maturity. I’m not attracted to a boy with a manish side, but to a man with a boyish side. The difference is all about HIM knowing the difference of when to let his little boy out to play.

(I didn’t mean it like that, but it’s too funny to take back now.)

Sir,

You are a very smart man.
I wish I had an answer for you
And tell you I wish I knew what
Love is..When I fall in love

Being a parent is a wonderful thing
I hope to be a good one someday.
And I wish the same for you.


I love kids. So very very much.

I'm sure he would have a Little Richard joke.

I think having a few childish mannerisms or hobbies is healthy for someone with responsibility. It allows a person to enjoy life.
All work and no play an all that jazz.

I also think that a responsible adult should know when and where childlike behavior and activities are appropriate or not.

There is a time for serious and a time for play.
Unlike children, who exist to play, we adults have to maintain our discipline most of the time or we lose control of what we value most, not to mention become vulnerable to dangers that might harm our family or lifestyle.

Being able to express our childhood joys is a healthy alternative to adult vice. It reaffirms the sense of joy.

One thing that an adult has that a child does not, is the ability to sense the impact of such behavior on how it is perceived by others.
The maturity to end such behavior if it causes conflict.

Aside from behavior, there is also the childlike perception that allows us to see the world around us with childlike awe and wonder.

Its a slippery slope.
On one hand it can make you charming and fun to be around but sometimes, if done inappropriately, can make you seem immature and irresponsible.

It requires a situational awareness that children do not possess.

It's balance really. Kids need fun and games BUT they also need routine, rules, and discipline. If the parent tries to make TOO MUCH about entertaining and pleasing them, they may get entitled brats not ready for the real world. If the parent tries to be TOO RIGID with rules, they may get insecure bullies, also not ready for the real world.

A parent needs to let the kids know they mean what they say, that they can count on them to be there for them (when they are doing whats right) and that they want them to be HEALTHY(emotionally, mentally, physically, intellectually) and not just 'happy'. That means we have to be able to get on their level and just have fun SOMETIMES, but we have to still be the ADULT and make it clear we are not at their level.

The simple answer is, if you want a "man man" for a husband, don't marry a "man boy" and expect him to change.

I didn't want a man I have to train. I like man, who knows how to share responsibilities in a marriage. That includes child setting and being the bad guy. Man boys shouldn't get married.

Kinda too vague and general a question making it pointless.

I mean:

For all I know his being "the fun parent" is in direct response to her being "the bad guy."
Could be simple escalation.
Maybe her frustrations are leading her to exhibit more "bad guy" behavior, and in response he naturally exhibits more "fun parent" behavior to compensate, which frustrates her more leading to more "bad guy" behavior, and so on ad nauseum until they can't cope.
Could be if she started acting more and more like a "fun parent" he might start adopting more "bad guy" behavior.
Could be they are both kinda passive aggressive and refuse to discuss other problems in their life and they're both adopting the personality they know the other dislikes as a means of forcing a confrontation.

Or they could both be responding to the kids personality.
For all I know the kid(s) have personality(s) that the parents have dealt with before. Maybe the father had a cousin that acted like the kid(s) and the dad is responding to the kid(s) in a way that worked with the cousin in the past. And the mom had a great aunt that is like the kid(s) and she's responding in a way that worked with the aunt.

Maybe the kid(s) is pushing them into roles that are compatible with the kid(s) for a relationship with the kid(s) but aren't compatible with each other.


That's not really possible.
Learning to communicate means being trained.
Your partner will be trained by you, you will be trained by your partner.

Expectations, boundaries, roles, communication.
It's all training.

People constantly look for cues from others on how to behave, how to modify their behavior.

Your life is constantly changing. Big events trigger bigger more obvious training. e.g. childbirth, moving out, your first job, getting married, dealing with growing children.
Life begets change, change begets training on how to handle it.

On your very first date with anyone you are training them and they are training you. You learn by how they act, and vice versa, about what subjects interest you and what don't, what makes you happy, and what doesn't, what makes you want to see them again, and what threatens you not seeing them.

There's no such thing as not training someone.
Roles are constantly being updated, changed, added to, subtracted from.
Learning is training.
And with everyone you have to learn how to be in a relationship with them. You have to train them, and they have to train you, in the ways that will perpetuate the relationship.


I don't understand what this means.
He's leaving his Conan comic books in the bathroom?
Or the kid is entering puberty and keeps stealing dads Playboys and hiding them under his bed? Or is the dad leaving the Playboys on his kids bed?
Or did he put his mint series one Boba Fett action figure in the freezer?
Or is he putting his whoopee cushion under his wife's chair cushion at the dinner table?
Or is he manboyishly putting her my little pony collection in the toilet?


It's subjective.
And women are ultimately the choosers of men.
If he's "boyish" before she marries him, he's going to be "boyish" after she marries him.
If it's escalating? Or the wife is perceiving there to be an escalation and maybe there isn't? Something else is going on.


I would imagine the answer would be the same for most people.
"As much as necessary with the least amount of effort, risk, responsibility, negative consequence, or expectation of reciprocal change."

Boyish quality hhhhmm if he spends more time gaming than being with me that would be too much.

what if he still likes to take you to watch the submarine races ss?

There’s submarine races??? Like turtle races?

Needy much?

Thanks for the breakdown Cire, it was kind of meant to be slightly vague (to engage in conversation). Once everyone knows that the sky is blue, it kind of ends.

(To be brief) perhaps I was too specific in involving the kids. I was just trying to get a "general" temperature on appreciation for boyish and innocent qualities in a man.

(Awaiting Dr. Seuss.....and not Tolstoy)

It's funny SS, this is something that is similar with "Jerry" and I.
We both have never had a home gaming system. It's all about being outdoors. As kids (my generation) even video games was about going OUT to meet friends at the arcade, not sit on the couch.

Same generation here too beach when people actually talk face to face

Exactly. Problem is, you don't always know a man won't get more mature with time, for instance when you get kids.
Some of these things you find out when it's too late.

I would not appreciate ending up being the 'bad' parent. I've had both an emotionally immature partner as one who always managed to turn me into the bad parent and both are truly unpleasant.

It is totally unfair to willingly or unwillingly force another parent into the role of 'bad parent'. Doesn't exactly give kids a proper view of 'man & woman', relationships and parenting either. Bad example...

As for a partner, I want a mature man. He can be playful for sure, but I don't want a big child by my side. I got 2 kids. Don't need another one.
I'm also not interested in a man who'd need to change in order for me to be happy with him. Waste of time. He either is a match or he isn't.
But in a way that's easier when you're older.
When young you get these major changes, getting kids is one of those moments. You don't know what your partner will be like as a parent until he/she is one. If they turn out to not be so great at that 'job', you're stuck with it. Kinda sux. Options are limited: divorce, bear and grin with it, try to change either him or yourself. None of these are particularly happy solutions.
.
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Your posts are great, all of them, this one had me doing cartwheels down the hallway.