Hey! No fair! You're using wisdom!

Well, summarized what men have said so far is:
1 If you don't want to chat or be on the phone, I shouldn't be here
2 Most men can't type well and/or can't be bothered
3 Men think you're a superficial flake and want to check you out
4 I / women should adjust to accommodate a bloke so she don't miss out on anything

1) .... do I really need to explain/answer this? LOL
2) why don't men adjust to accommodate a woman so he don't miss out on anything?
3) If a guy is that distrusting / insecure / ... well ... sorry
4) Read 2)

Other than that, still no clear answer. I can understand if you've had a few bad experiences, you would like to see someone. But that goes both ways. But I for one don't feel the desire to check someone out unless I'm interested.
And if all that's been exchanged is something like "Hi, I like your profile and pictures, I would like to get to know you. Let's chat"
Sorry... not interested, so also not inclined to start a chat.
And if a guy can't be bothered to get a girl interested, cos he's so distrusting ... Well, guess a vicious circle. Predicament.

And one other thing as to why I don't like it: I'm not the kind of girl that spends the entire day polishing her nails, doing her hair, sitting on the settee in a short skirt with high heels on, being pretty. And men usually expect a woman to look pretty, polished, as perfect as can be. But I'm busy all day long, painting (canvas), working in my garden and so on. I'm a artist and very creative person, always active and doing things. So sometimes by the end of the day, my make-up is down the drain, my hair looks more like a bird's nest, I'm wearing a paint and/or dirt covered shirt and so on. Meaning after a long day I will have to shower, do my hair, make-up, dress up blablabla just cos some guy doesn't believe I'm for real? If I had to do that every night, I'd have to change my life-style (and the one thing I've learned in life; do NOT change your life-style/who you are for anyone! )

Thank god there's also a few men who feel different. Seen a few men's profiles stating "I don't chat".
I'm hoping to find this exception who doesn't nag about chatting straight away, but feels comfortable enough to get to know each other first.

I didn't even think of the video aspect! I guess I was thinking more like texting and such.

Crystalfairy, when you say chat, what do you mean? IM? Phone conversation? If its an IM or private messages back and forth, what is the big deal? Why is it a problem?

If you're assuming it means it involves a webcam, that's completely different.

Also, how do you want a guy to get you interested if you aren't willing to have a conversation with him?

Yes, using webcam. Like ppl have said in this thread: I want to SEE she's not a superficial fake and They want to check out (= SEE) if you're for real and I get suspicious if she don't want to chat cos maybe she doesn't want me to SEE her hubby is there

Maybe the different ideas as to what chatting is, doesn't help either,

My experience, on several dating sites, is that men throw the 20 questions at you: How was your day? What are your plans for today? Did you sleep well? What are your plans for the weekend?
Mostly one liners or very little information about themselves. I'm a very open person, but if I keep getting questions and 1 liners back ...
To me the messages/mails should help to get to know each other and get some interest going.
All these question men tend to throw at me make me feel awkward: is there something wrong with them? Haven't they got a life, interests, hobbies to talk about?
Plus, it makes me feel I suddenly MUST have plans for the day/ weekend / evening and so on.
Instead of asking me all these questions, they could still show interest in my life, but also contribute to the conversation and say something about themselves.

I have had real good conversations via mail/PM with some men. Sometimes it just goes by itself. In such cases I will chat with that person too, cos I know conversation will flow, is fun, lively. I'm not gonna 'waste' time on a 20 questions dude.

Ohhh! That's much different than what I've been talking about. To me, chatting is IMing, going back and forth via message, or even talking on the phone. Webcamming is not something if do, either. Too many creepy guys out there.

I don't like the interview/20 questions type, either.

I don't use a webcam and have no interest in that. As far as asking questions goes, I'll do that because it gives them something to respond to but I don't send one liner messages and tend not to reply to them.

If the woman doesn't live near enough for dating I honestly don't care about it but if they do, getting them to chat on the phone is a way to move things forward once I've got to know them well enough and told them enough about myself to talk about meeting up. It's not necessary though if they aren't procrastinating. It's just that a lot of them won't make up their minds if they really want to meet or not and there are a lot of time wasters on free sites that will do nothing apart from emailing and I'm not just talking about the scammers.

I think the main purpose for webcam chat is so they can see if you are who you say you are. I dunno just what came to my mind about the idea.

Sure, but I completely understand the hesitation, because there are some very creepy people out there. Not using a webcam has never been an issue for me.

Yeah doesn't matter to me either way really. I just thought of a likely reason.

Well i'm SURE most of them would rather just jump right into the sack
But communication is usually the first step



I don't like to chat much myself....

webcam is VIDEO chat, and completely different than regular chat, with a completely different answer as well...so to clarify all of my responses were for chat as in "Instant messaging" without the video aspect of it.

I'd want to get to know someone before video chatting with them as well, however, i'd prefer to video chat with someone before I meet them in person. Because people tend to use fake pictures and/or old pictures.

A guy trying to get you to video chat right away is probably just trying to see you naked, or isnt' really that interested in you, but more interested in what you are willing to do.

But you want him to change for you?!?

change/adjust is basically the same thing, if it is his style to chat, why should he change it to accommodate you? why don't you change to accommodate him?

If you were to read Athol Kay's blog, you'd maybe realize that the one asking the other to change believes that they are at a 'higher sex rank' and that they want to be in charge of the relationship from the get go, providing 'fitness tests' to see if a man(or woman) will do some menial task for them establishing them as the more dominant one in the relationship. It's and interesting read.

Can I supersize that?

oh and soufie - I'm totally female! TeeHee!!!!

I think CrystalFairy is practicing her own version of the Hegelian Dialectic.

Personally I prefer to talk over chatting, texting, or instant messaging. I want to know right away what the guy sounds like & how well he can communicate without the usage of profanity. I do judge intelligence on his ability to spell and use proper grammar, so to avoid pre- judgement on someone who might actually be a good catch, I offer my number.

have a cookie :)


ooooo yum-yum cookies !!!!
now THAT'S the way to a man heart ... fresh baked, still warm from the oven, w a cold glass of milk. I coule be falling in love.

There's cookies... warm from the oven?