That's the way I've always been too..accept people for how they are, but if our core values don't gel together, and it puts one of us in a position to choose our values over them, we should stay true to ourselves and find someone more compatible...

When I was younger I exploded, now I stay calm say what I want to get across and then be silent. I have learned not to say things that will truly hurt someone and can come back to "haunt"you later.

I don't handle face-to-face confrontation well, so I usually just keep quiet. BUT give me a pen and paper and I will tell you exactly how I feel in a letter, or a text message.
Part of it is that I'm a coward, but another part is, if I say all the things that are in my head when you're screaming in my face, we'll probably hate each other for the rest of our lives. Writing it down makes you reflect on what you're saying.

I understandsingme...as long as it is not with me, I can usually deal

so JT....how dirty?

Yes Jack, I find that being hurt psychologically by another's words is sometimes too painful to forget... and I can never look at the person the same way... it's really sad that just a few words can destroy everything ...

I do the same thing with writing... and for those who write too, sometimes it's the last thing they ever say to me, because they didn't reflect and think it through... once we put something in writing, it's not like talking, where words can be forgotten, when printed we can always return to them and relive what was said over and over... and sometimes the printed words are the nails in the coffin... with no amount of talking to explain them later having the power to erase their hurtful memory.. we live and we learn and we lose... often by the words that we choose..

My Dad had periodic rage-attacks and turned into a "madman." So I got used to being around angry and unreasonable people at an early age..I stood-up to my Dad as I got older and held my "ground" despite his rantings and ravings...Both my Mom and I kept telling him to "grow-up."..He was a kind and caring and reasonable person most of the time and even playful...He just let his feelings build-up over time until he reached a "boiling point" and "erupted" on a periodic basis...One time I told him he reminded me of the Wizard of Oz character in the movie. The "wizard" tried to scare and control the town by making noises with a computer-like machine. ( But it was all a "smoke screen.")..There was no real "wizard." Just a shy and cowardly man who wanted to keep everyone "at bay."...I don't usually get intimidated by angry or defensive people due to my experiences with my Dad... I "stand my ground" and "mess" with their head. But I prefer mellow and reasonable people (most of all) who don't become "hyper-emotional" and erratic!

Ah now see with my father it was dead opposite. He would get angry and if you said the wrong word it led into us being hurt. So my mother and I would 'scheme' to keep life in our home as calm as possible and we even had plans what to do to escape him when he went off.
This taught me the opposite of what you just said. Confrontation and anger are to be avoided at all times as they lead to bad things. I had to unlearn this as an adult, but still most of the time I get jello knees and flocks of butterflies in my tummy when I have to deal with someone who is angry. I've learned how to do it and what to say and have been very successful, but that little girl is still inside me trying to run away and hide.
I've learned that anger can be productive if used correctly and have even allowed myself to express those feelings from time to time. I know that it's not an inherent part of my personality and that I'd far rather hide, cry, or manipulate but that's the child in me and HER coping mechanisms.

Good morning Green Eyes, I have to rush off to work again this morning, so I can't detail my response to your message in length, but I will say this much... my dad was mellow and sensitive, and if he hurt me in any way, via a punishment brought about by my mother's influence, he would deeply apologize to me when she wasn't around, even with tears in his, and assure me of his unconditional love... so, the way I look at men is... if my own father didn't think it was beneath him to admit when he was wrong or caused pain, then no other man in my life will be able to convince me that men don't cry or apologize when they've made mistakes that were a result of anger or other emotional issues... gotta go now... be back this evening... have a great day...

Thanks for being so open and honest..My Mom and Dad were both "equally strong." (And this was way back in the 40's and 50's and 60's etc.)...My Mom had a "big heart" but she didn't take "guff" from anyone...I guess I learned that we don't do anyone any "favors" by "covering" for them. I think we're on earth to help each other "grow" through "wake-calls."...People who rely on "smoke screens" (anger and defensiveness and intimidation tactics) are actually blocking and stunting their own "growth." And they make it hard for the people around them to "grow" too...Everyone keeps getting pulled back into the "muck" and dysfunction and life becomes "toxic" and unhealthy for the entire family...So I keep all of this in mind when I run into angry and defensive people. I actually view them as "scared little kids" who haven't developed healthy coping skills...They can "huff" and "puff" all they want to around me but I "see through" their "smoke screens" and tactics. I ask them to please start acting a little more "grown-up." (So we can talk in adult-to-adult ways.)...If they keep "ranting" and "raving" I cut things off (while keeping my "cool") and ask them to leave. (Until they are able to keep a grip on their emotions and talk in "civil ways.")

I'm glad your Dad apologized to you...My Dad apologized and cried at times too...And it's always been easy for me to apologize when I feel I "screwed-up" or made mistakes etc... We're all bound to make mistakes at times. No one is perfect! And like you I prefer to be around people (men and women) who don't think it's a crime (or beneath them) to apologize when need be.

uh....eh....dirty dirty

Yeah, but thinking someone is never going to get mad at you seems unreasonable. I get not wanting to be around those with anger issues, but everyone is going to have disagreements and get mad once in a while.

Uh, doesn't the OP refer to a situation that may be fictional only?

When my late wife and I had a disagreement about something, I never though of my wife as being an opponent.

Could the "opponents" claim be a case of projection on the part of the party making the claim?

I do not care if he is angry either. But when he gets angry it is over. I delt with that in 2009 with a man and he only had One inperson date with me, and he tried over and over for a year to get another date with me, but No way.

I don't like to think in terms of being "opponents" either...Playfulness can create passion in a relationship too. It doesn't have to come from fighting and being "at war." This is how I feel anyway.

I speak my mind. I'm not good at backing down though. I don't need to scream, call names or cuss to get my point across. I just tell it like I see it

I wouldn't want to be with someone who could "lose it" at anytime either. ("Lose it" over any little thing with no advanced warning.) YUK!...I'd rather be with someone who was even-tempered and stable and consistent.