Community > Dating & Relationships

Topic: Do You Set off Red Flags when it comes to Dating?
navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Thu 02/23/12 12:25 PM
Are you sure everyone is lying to you, or do you just automatically assume that now? It's been several years since I've actually been in a position to talk to anyone about this within a relationship context, so I have no recent experience to fall back on here. I can say, with complete assurance, that just about everyone I heard that from, prior to, oh, let's say three years ago, was lying. There was one exception. But I think I'd be more likely to assume they were lying if they said they didn't want kids right up front. That's the "default setting," in my experience. Stop assuming everyone is the same. I will, as soon as they stop BEING the same. I have to side with Lex on this one. Everybody lies to me and says they have no kids which means in their custody full time or in their state, etc. They say I am fine without wanting to have kids until they start to really like me and then it becomes a matter "with enough faith in god and I can afford the right doctors you can have a baby". It happens to me in reverse all the freaking time. And some guys are borderline brain dead. I have said, "I had a hysterectomy" and they are "Does that mean you can't have kids?" "No uterus=no babies". "Why did you have that? Why would elect to have that done? Those doctors just did that for money!!" "I was going to bleed to death if they didn't". "Oh then I guess that's a good reason". "OH REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR APPROVAL BECAUSE IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME THAT MY LIFE SAVING SURGERY MEETS WITH YOUR SENSIBILITIES". When I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2007, I was told that, typically, people with Asperger's often have an extremely difficult time understanding why NeuroTypicals do a lot of the things they do. I was asked to make a list of behaviors that struck me as completely incomprehensible, things that "normal" people would do more or less routinely or automatically. I ended up with a fairly long list. "Having kids" was at the very top of that list. I was also told that it works in reverse, as well; i.e., a lot of the things that I would do would seem strange to "normal" people. And it really doesn't make much difference in the long run, but I am somewhat concerned by the fact that women, in general, seem to have an extremely difficult time understanding that there might actually be some people in the world who have no interest in, nor aptitude for, being a parent. It's as if they think they'd be doing me some tremendous favor by tricking me into it somehow. Well, Lex you have me and teadipper on your side. I found that men too can have baby fever. I decided to have a tubligation at 26 as I didn't want anything to interfere with my military career. As I met guys; their only thoughts were to pop out kids and kept asking if the procedure was reversible. I told them even if it was; I am not doing it. I was labeled selfish, and a cold hearted biotch. I am now almost 52 and I still don't want kids and don't feel I have missed out on anything by not having kids. And just when I thought it was safe; now guys in their 50s want to have kids.

LexFonteyne Joined Thu 12/07/06 Posts: 32131	Thu 02/23/12 12:39 PM
Are you sure everyone is lying to you, or do you just automatically assume that now? It's been several years since I've actually been in a position to talk to anyone about this within a relationship context, so I have no recent experience to fall back on here. I can say, with complete assurance, that just about everyone I heard that from, prior to, oh, let's say three years ago, was lying. There was one exception. But I think I'd be more likely to assume they were lying if they said they didn't want kids right up front. That's the "default setting," in my experience. Stop assuming everyone is the same. I will, as soon as they stop BEING the same. I have to side with Lex on this one. Everybody lies to me and says they have no kids which means in their custody full time or in their state, etc. They say I am fine without wanting to have kids until they start to really like me and then it becomes a matter "with enough faith in god and I can afford the right doctors you can have a baby". It happens to me in reverse all the freaking time. And some guys are borderline brain dead. I have said, "I had a hysterectomy" and they are "Does that mean you can't have kids?" "No uterus=no babies". "Why did you have that? Why would elect to have that done? Those doctors just did that for money!!" "I was going to bleed to death if they didn't". "Oh then I guess that's a good reason". "OH REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR APPROVAL BECAUSE IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME THAT MY LIFE SAVING SURGERY MEETS WITH YOUR SENSIBILITIES". When I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2007, I was told that, typically, people with Asperger's often have an extremely difficult time understanding why NeuroTypicals do a lot of the things they do. I was asked to make a list of behaviors that struck me as completely incomprehensible, things that "normal" people would do more or less routinely or automatically. I ended up with a fairly long list. "Having kids" was at the very top of that list. I was also told that it works in reverse, as well; i.e., a lot of the things that I would do would seem strange to "normal" people. And it really doesn't make much difference in the long run, but I am somewhat concerned by the fact that women, in general, seem to have an extremely difficult time understanding that there might actually be some people in the world who have no interest in, nor aptitude for, being a parent. It's as if they think they'd be doing me some tremendous favor by tricking me into it somehow. Well, Lex you have me and teadipper on your side. I found that men too can have baby fever. I decided to have a tubligation at 26 as I didn't want anything to interfere with my military career. As I met guys; their only thoughts were to pop out kids and kept asking if the procedure was reversible. I told them even if it was; I am not doing it. I was labeled selfish, and a cold hearted biotch. I am now almost 52 and I still don't want kids and don't feel I have missed out on anything by not having kids. And just when I thought it was safe; now guys in their 50s want to have kids. It just baffles me completely. People act as if I've insulted their dog or something when I say I have no interest in being a parent. To be fair, I get the same reaction when I say I don't drink, or mention that I have no interest in politics or football or whatever. There seems to be a standard working definition of what an "American Man" is supposed to do and think and be and say, and any deviation from that suffocating pigeonhole is treated as a serious psychological disorder.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Thu 02/23/12 12:50 PM
Are you sure everyone is lying to you, or do you just automatically assume that now? It's been several years since I've actually been in a position to talk to anyone about this within a relationship context, so I have no recent experience to fall back on here. I can say, with complete assurance, that just about everyone I heard that from, prior to, oh, let's say three years ago, was lying. There was one exception. But I think I'd be more likely to assume they were lying if they said they didn't want kids right up front. That's the "default setting," in my experience. Stop assuming everyone is the same. I will, as soon as they stop BEING the same. I have to side with Lex on this one. Everybody lies to me and says they have no kids which means in their custody full time or in their state, etc. They say I am fine without wanting to have kids until they start to really like me and then it becomes a matter "with enough faith in god and I can afford the right doctors you can have a baby". It happens to me in reverse all the freaking time. And some guys are borderline brain dead. I have said, "I had a hysterectomy" and they are "Does that mean you can't have kids?" "No uterus=no babies". "Why did you have that? Why would elect to have that done? Those doctors just did that for money!!" "I was going to bleed to death if they didn't". "Oh then I guess that's a good reason". "OH REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR APPROVAL BECAUSE IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME THAT MY LIFE SAVING SURGERY MEETS WITH YOUR SENSIBILITIES". When I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2007, I was told that, typically, people with Asperger's often have an extremely difficult time understanding why NeuroTypicals do a lot of the things they do. I was asked to make a list of behaviors that struck me as completely incomprehensible, things that "normal" people would do more or less routinely or automatically. I ended up with a fairly long list. "Having kids" was at the very top of that list. I was also told that it works in reverse, as well; i.e., a lot of the things that I would do would seem strange to "normal" people. And it really doesn't make much difference in the long run, but I am somewhat concerned by the fact that women, in general, seem to have an extremely difficult time understanding that there might actually be some people in the world who have no interest in, nor aptitude for, being a parent. It's as if they think they'd be doing me some tremendous favor by tricking me into it somehow. Well, Lex you have me and teadipper on your side. I found that men too can have baby fever. I decided to have a tubligation at 26 as I didn't want anything to interfere with my military career. As I met guys; their only thoughts were to pop out kids and kept asking if the procedure was reversible. I told them even if it was; I am not doing it. I was labeled selfish, and a cold hearted biotch. I am now almost 52 and I still don't want kids and don't feel I have missed out on anything by not having kids. And just when I thought it was safe; now guys in their 50s want to have kids. It just baffles me completely. People act as if I've insulted their dog or something when I say I have no interest in being a parent. To be fair, I get the same reaction when I say I don't drink, or mention that I have no interest in politics or football or whatever. There seems to be a standard working definition of what an "American Man" is supposed to do and think and be and say, and any deviation from that suffocating pigeonhole is treated as a serious psychological disorder. I get the same crap here too Lex. As a woman; I should be dumb, dependent, defenseless, show more emotions, be more ladylike, blah, blah, blah. I get so sick of people telling me how I should behave or present myself. I tell them where to stick their brainwashed society thinking. I live the way I want to and if you don't like it; then don't be around me.

pyxxie13 Joined Wed 09/28/11 Posts: 3835	Thu 02/23/12 01:30 PM
I have always thought of being divorced as a red flag to anyone.

singmesweet Joined Mon 07/28/08 Posts: 26661	Thu 02/23/12 01:43 PM
I have always thought of being divorced as a red flag to anyone. Not necessarily. Sometimes things don't work out. I can understand that.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Thu 02/23/12 02:45 PM Edited by navygirl on Thu 02/23/12 02:47 PM
I have always thought of being divorced as a red flag to anyone. Yeah, me too as I wonder why their wife divorced them but you find out after dating them why they are divorced and they find out why I am still single. Although; if one were to only date those not divorced; then the dating pool would just about disappear.

Dodo_David Joined Fri 08/13/10 Posts: 48929	Thu 02/23/12 04:20 PM
me: very reserved, not very emotional(except always smiling), a hard 'read' for those that are used to playing the game,,,so to speak A hard read, eh? Thankfully, I wear glasses.