I've noticed, over the past ten years or so, a discrepancy between what people 0n dating sites SAY they're looking for, as opposed to what they actually SEEM to be looking for.

Having read more women's profiles than is reasonable, I have to say that many women present generic lists of what they claim to be looking for.

Much of what they mention is general, bland, archaic, and vague enough to be useless: "I'm looking for a nice guy," "I'm looking for a good guy," "I'm looking for Prince Charming," etc. Since there's no real consensus about what any of that means, using them as criteria is essentially pointless.

But when it gets down to something more specific, you'll see "I'm looking for someone intelligent," or "I'm looking for someone honest," or "I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh." OK, I have a better idea about what those mean.

But when those guys show up, the guys who qualify on those counts, suddenly the women aren't looking for them at all!

I've had this theory for a long time that women just put stuff in their profiles that they THINK they're SUPPOSED to put in there, which is why so many of their profiles read like boilerplate copy 'n paste from the last thousand profiles I've read. Everyone is "laid back and easy going," everyone looks good "in jeans or the little black dress," everybody loves their friends and family.

Maybe guys do this too -- I don't read a lot of guys' profiles (you can only look at so many million pictures of someone holding up a fish) -- but it wouldn't surprise me if that was the case.

Do they do it because they think they'll be ostracized if they're actually honest about what they want? I've seen some indicators in that direction -- I've seen women (and even a few men) on dating sites being harangued over their stated preferences in age or weight or race -- maybe it's just easier to go PC and put the blandest, most inoffensive description of "what I'm looking for" -- even though none of it is even remotely true.

It just seems to me that if people were actually looking for "intelligent" and "honest" and "makes me laugh," that we'd be seeing a lot more people getting together than what we're actually seeing here.

A dating site is ostensibly for dating, right? Why are we making it more difficult than it needs to be?

I don't think I've ever once put in my profile the kind of guy I was looking for. I guess I was just waiting to fall in love with him when he came along.

Yup! I say just let em decieve themselves. They're the only one who knows what they truly want. In the end, they're only hurting themselves.

Likewise :-)

Make that three....Love happens, all by itself.....

I don't ever read profiles.

It is what someone thinks someone wants to read.

There are people on this and other sites I know personally and what they have on their profile is in no way consistent to how I know they are.

I liken profiles to first dates.

Particularly useless and generally a waste of time..

Maybe the problem is that most guys who think that they are "nice guys" or "good guys" are really not?

I would tend to agree with that -- or maybe they're putting up the "nice guy" facade to be more readily accepted....

And I think it's true that people try to put their best foot forward, so to speak, when it comes to dating sites. I think we generally want to put something out there that says we're worth getting to know.

One of the benefits of long-term forum participation is that you don't have to rely on the profile very much at all; you get to know a little more about someone over time in the forums, and I think this helps build a fuller and more realistic picture of who that person is. After five years on this site, I do feel as if there are people here, people I've never met in person, who are as real (if not moreso) than people in real life.

I try to honest because that is what I want . I think you should be as honest with answerw as you can.

I agree completely, but it seems that some are more interested in "fitting in" than with being truthful....

well that leaves me out. :) I have never really fit in and game up on that years ago Love someone for who they are on the inside. and be trueful and honest those things will get us all father in my opinion.

some people have a real "knack" for words so they write a great profile of what they think others want to hear.The real test is when you email or phone them and that facade falls apart.Like my mom used to say it all comes out in the wash.......

I’ll be the first to admit to not knowing what characteristics attract me to the opposite sex, I just know the ones that don’t (attract me). So I've tended to put qualities in my profile that would probably put most people off and thankfully, I think I’ve been lucky in the sense that the few guys that I have been in email contact with have all tended to be like minded so I can’t really complain.

some people have a real "knack" for words so they write a great profile of what they think others want to hear.The real test is when you email or phone them and that facade falls apart.Like my mom used to say it all comes out in the wash.......

You're lucky -- I get the ones who want to argue and tell me why all of my preferences are wrong....!

Maybe I’m ‘luckier’ in terms of online contacts...I definitely wouldn't consider myself lucky when it comes to meeting in person because although I’m pretty clear about who I am and the type of relationship I want – and I’m pretty consistent about it throughout. I just seem to meet guys either suffer from selective hearing or that want to try to change me or the relationship gets too verbally combative which is not what I’m about at all.

Interesting that you are saying Lex. Now, when I was dating, I certainly did put in what exactly I was looking for. I was told by guys and gals alike not to do that as it limits perspective partners. Apparently putting in too much info scares folks away. However, if you don't define what you want; then you meet people you don't want to be with. So, its a lose, lose situation no matter what you do.

Shshshsh I just want someone that when we are together we are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit nicely together...

Someone that when I wake up and they are lying next to me they bring a smile to my face...Gotta have that connection....

I don't want to change anyone nor do I want them to change me. If I do change it should be cause I want too.

When I arived a JSH eons ago, I used to look at profiles. I would even write to the ones that I had a question for or saw in the forums.

Sometimes where they were from, like Virginia brought about a: "I have never heard of that town where is it located to such and such town."

On guy and I talked back and forth for a while, and one of the things he said to me was, " Your profile is too much, you should just copy and paste from another average profile, thats what I did."
Ya know, I thought that was the goofiest thing ever. Why would I want to tell the world that I am something I am not?

Here is the strange part of my winded story, He meet someone within a couple of months of joining and they got married and according to him, are very happy. Still are.

Yet, while I personally want my OWN identity out there so I get a guy that fits me because I think I am different and unique, I see where it fits some folks that are more mainstream and are looking to find a mainstream partner.

I think I am rather detailed in concise simple words of what I want, yet somedays I think why bother, no one reads past the photos.

I get that sometimes, too. People will write and say I had too much in the profile about what I want and what I don't want. I actually shortened my profile by about 1400 pages for this reason -- also, I wanted to see if it would make any difference. It hasn't.

But here's the thing -- I really believe I need to put it right out there, plainly and simply, what I'm looking for. No cliches, no mainstream BS, no fakey feelgood fuzzies, just the realities.

And I guess people don't like that sort of thing.

But that's why my profile headline is "Let's not waste each other's time." Because, in the end, who needs to have their time wasted?