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| Topic: A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy" | |
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? |
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Edited by
mary1230
on
Thu 11/24/11 08:48 PM
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My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, "You're so sensitive. I'm just joking." My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, "Can't you do something right?" or "Why did I hire you?" are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn't know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, "It doesn't help me when you say these things," she gets the same reaction: "Relax; you're overreacting." Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it's exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job. They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings. So, I've read the entire post and I've cut it down to points that mean the most to me.I cannot tell you how this has described me perfectly. I've been apologizing for years to my husband for his behavior, getting mad at me for the most ridiculous things and making me feel guilty. So I left him after 29 years. I've been taking crap from my boss for 11 years, eating crow when he tells me that my breasts are too big and my azz is to small, I'm a moron and I just cant get anything right...I made over 2 mil for him last year in sales alone....just wasn't enough. I just quit on Wednesday and called the competition and was hired immediately. I start this coming Tuesday. I am a good woman. A good mother. A good person. A hard worker. I've lost who I am because of the constant berating by people who must put other people down to hide their own insecurities. When you are told these things over and over you believe it, you think it's your fault. Then your true friends come and tell you how wonderful you are and finally convince you to look inside yourself and see yourself as they see you. This is my welcome back to the living stage of life. I have arrived. |
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? Yes some people do consistently overreact to situations. And some people are just argumentative and love a good fight. There is a reason somebody coined the term, "drama queen/king". Some people may think they never over dramatize a situation, when in fact they constantly do, while others may have legitimate reasons for becoming emotional. And some folks do use the term, "you're just overreacting", as a way to shut someone down or turn the discussion and hide a misdeed. The trick is having enough insight to know when a cigar is just a cigar. |
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Some peoples "Insights" are so jaded and clouded over by their own arrogance and self centeredness they would not know the truth if it hit them over the head with a frozen boot.
They have NO regard for anybody but themselves and live in a world where everybody is wrong and they are right. Sometimes a cigar blows smoke and that's it,thats all there is. |
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? Yes some people do consistently overreact to situations. And some people are just argumentative and love a good fight. There is a reason somebody coined the term, "drama queen/king". Some people may think they never over dramatize a situation, when in fact they constantly do, while others may have legitimate reasons for becoming emotional. And some folks do use the term, "you're just overreacting", as a way to shut someone down or turn the discussion and hide a misdeed. The trick is having enough insight to know when a cigar is just a cigar. And you think you have enough insight to know that? Have you only told someone they're overreacting when they're actually overreacting, rather than when they have a legitimate reason for being emotional? What are legitimate reasons for being emotional? |
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being booty hurt.
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I'm still waiting for mo to tell us when it's appropriate to be emotional and when it's overreacting.
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? Yes some people do consistently overreact to situations. And some people are just argumentative and love a good fight. There is a reason somebody coined the term, "drama queen/king". Some people may think they never over dramatize a situation, when in fact they constantly do, while others may have legitimate reasons for becoming emotional. And some folks do use the term, "you're just overreacting", as a way to shut someone down or turn the discussion and hide a misdeed. The trick is having enough insight to know when a cigar is just a cigar. And you think you have enough insight to know that? Have you only told someone they're overreacting when they're actually overreacting, rather than when they have a legitimate reason for being emotional? What are legitimate reasons for being emotional? not sure I can answer singme's question either - as it is so subjective - but here is my own feeling - not right, not wrong - just "it is what it is" if you tell someone they are over reacting you have opened the door to closing it with them. they will most likely feel that you do not take them seriously and are standing in judgement. If someone tells me that I'm over reacting I would not take that well. I wouldn't say anything to them, but that would create a wall as far as future interactions. the friendship does not generally continue in the same way - as I no longer seek that person out as a confidante in fear of being judged or criticized when I am already upset about something. Emotions are normal - I 'd be far more concerned about someone who seldom shows emotion. It would be more helpful to ask someone why they are upset and what it is about the situation that has them sad, angry, or whatever it is they are feeling. jmho |
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Hi, If I can join in and add a comment - I've read this post, and a bunch of the responses to it. It got me thinking - I remember having dinner with a friend's family....the younger sister's fiance was present and every comment by this man, about or to the woman he was engaged to and sitting next to at the dinner table, was at her expense. The whole family - this was her family - laughed with her fiance, and she'd respond laughing it off too. By the end of the evening I felt sick, but they were all so happy she'd made such a good match, and that seemed to be all that mattered. She spent the evening being the butt of ridicule suggesting she was silly, inept, and that the fiance was the patient one for accommodating and laughing off her faults. And it's sad, but I can't imagine she ever went without being told how silly or emotional...etc...her fiance (and family) defined her as. Never let anyone make you the source of their self-esteem. With the exception of stand-up on political figures (expected anymore), if there's humor to be found, it wont be at the expense of another. And never confuse halting and restrictive statements, no matter how gentle or humorous the tone, with understanding, concern, or guidance.
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Hi, If I can join in and add a comment - I've read this post, and a bunch of the responses to it. It got me thinking - I remember having dinner with a friend's family....the younger sister's fiance was present and every comment by this man, about or to the woman he was engaged to and sitting next to at the dinner table, was at her expense. The whole family - this was her family - laughed with her fiance, and she'd respond laughing it off too. By the end of the evening I felt sick, but they were all so happy she'd made such a good match, and that seemed to be all that mattered. She spent the evening being the butt of ridicule suggesting she was silly, inept, and that the fiance was the patient one for accommodating and laughing off her faults. And it's sad, but I can't imagine she ever went without being told how silly or emotional...etc...her fiance (and family) defined her as. Never let anyone make you the source of their self-esteem. With the exception of stand-up on political figures (expected anymore), if there's humor to be found, it wont be at the expense of another. And never confuse halting and restrictive statements, no matter how gentle or humorous the tone, with understanding, concern, or guidance. I would never be able to put up with a man like you described. Some silly joking around with one another at each others' expense is one thing, but what you described is much worse. I'd imagine the woman has pretty low self esteem to begin with to even put up with that. How sad. |
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she may - have low self esteem - that's no crime (it is usually learned) and hopefully she will do something about it one day - more likely she has learned that this is acceptable behavior from her family- the belittling etc
- I would focus more on the behavior of those misusing her and call on them to learn better behavior and have some respect (in terms of the behavior described at the dinner). |
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Sorry, I meant the whole situation is sad. The guy putting her down and her family laughing along with him.
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Sorry, I meant the whole situation is sad. The guy putting her down and her family laughing along with him. Oh no, I'm sorry I agree with you completely |
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Sorry, I meant the whole situation is sad. The guy putting her down and her family laughing along with him. Oh no, I'm sorry I agree with you completely I just cannot relate to someone who would put up with that kind of treatment. I don't understand it. |
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? Yes some people do consistently overreact to situations. And some people are just argumentative and love a good fight. There is a reason somebody coined the term, "drama queen/king". Some people may think they never over dramatize a situation, when in fact they constantly do, while others may have legitimate reasons for becoming emotional. And some folks do use the term, "you're just overreacting", as a way to shut someone down or turn the discussion and hide a misdeed. The trick is having enough insight to know when a cigar is just a cigar. I love it  sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar this is just a matter of subjective honesty and I have had this discussion concerning racism, which is a very real thing and some people will call EVERYTHING racism,, incorrectly, while others recognize actual racism when its there the same occurs with people who might recognize an 'overreaction' when it is there, vs those who see everything as an overreaction,, |
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I'm still waiting for mo to tell us when it's appropriate to be emotional and when it's overreacting. There are degrees of emotion. Getting a little upset when someone is a half hour late and doesn't call is one thing. Going berserk, throwing a fit, yelling and screaming over the same reason may be overreacting. Of course maybe it's not the first time he or she has done that. Maybe he or she is an inconsiderate bore who cares little about other peoples plans and this was just the last straw so to speak. Then again maybe he or she just got caught in traffic and his cell battery died. |
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When indeed someone is, consciously or not, being manipulative. When someone tells somebody they are "overreacting", sometimes it just means that that person is really overreacting. in your opinion (or mine as the case may be) they may not feel that way at all usually a strong reaction to something means there's more going on than what we realize as observers accusing someone of over reacting can also be another one of those manipulative shut downs - in a worst case scenario (to cover tracks of misdeeds) in a personal sense when guys tell me I'm over reacting I usually laugh because I'm pretty circumspect - if I react strongly to something there's a reason and if someone tries to shut me down by telling me I am over reacting I would take that as disrespect -I doubt there'd be much left to talk about at that point So people never overreact to a situation? And anytime someone says someone else is overreacting they are just tying to hide their own misdeeds? Interesting world some of us live in. No one here has said no one ever overreacts. Is this you attempting to read between the lines and reading something that's not there? Do you think people always overreact? Yes some people do consistently overreact to situations. And some people are just argumentative and love a good fight. There is a reason somebody coined the term, "drama queen/king". Some people may think they never over dramatize a situation, when in fact they constantly do, while others may have legitimate reasons for becoming emotional. And some folks do use the term, "you're just overreacting", as a way to shut someone down or turn the discussion and hide a misdeed. The trick is having enough insight to know when a cigar is just a cigar. And you think you have enough insight to know that? Have you only told someone they're overreacting when they're actually overreacting, rather than when they have a legitimate reason for being emotional? What are legitimate reasons for being emotional? not sure I can answer singme's question either - as it is so subjective - but here is my own feeling - not right, not wrong - just "it is what it is" if you tell someone they are over reacting you have opened the door to closing it with them. they will most likely feel that you do not take them seriously and are standing in judgement. If someone tells me that I'm over reacting I would not take that well. I wouldn't say anything to them, but that would create a wall as far as future interactions. the friendship does not generally continue in the same way - as I no longer seek that person out as a confidante in fear of being judged or criticized when I am already upset about something. Emotions are normal - I 'd be far more concerned about someone who seldom shows emotion. It would be more helpful to ask someone why they are upset and what it is about the situation that has them sad, angry, or whatever it is they are feeling. jmho I respectfully disagree. OF course, emotions are normal, but not every REACTION is reasonable or equal to the intial ACTION,, making it an OVER reaction there is a way, in a solid relationship, to address such behavior just like there is with any other unproductive or potentially harmful situations it is NOT to shut the conversation down with the statement but to offer up alternatives and continue talking if the relationship is solid enough, the both persons should be able to do that without shutting down or feeling manipulated in any way, |
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I'm still waiting for mo to tell us when it's appropriate to be emotional and when it's overreacting. There are degrees of emotion. Getting a little upset when someone is a half hour late and doesn't call is one thing. Going berserk, throwing a fit, yelling and screaming over the same reason may be overreacting. Of course maybe it's not the first time he or she has done that. Maybe he or she is an inconsiderate bore who cares little about other peoples plans and this was just the last straw so to speak. Then again maybe he or she just got caught in traffic and his cell battery died. my ex overreacted constantly,,,every thing that happened differently than he wished would sound off an end of the world diatribe from him we talked about it, I told him I wasnt comfortable talking to HIM if the conversation was going to elevate to that level whenever an issue came up,,,,the behavior never changed though and we are no longer together |
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I'm still waiting for mo to tell us when it's appropriate to be emotional and when it's overreacting. There are degrees of emotion. Getting a little upset when someone is a half hour late and doesn't call is one thing. Going berserk, throwing a fit, yelling and screaming over the same reason may be overreacting. Of course maybe it's not the first time he or she has done that. Maybe he or she is an inconsiderate bore who cares little about other peoples plans and this was just the last straw so to speak. Then again maybe he or she just got caught in traffic and his cell battery died. That still doesn't really answer my question, though. You gave one example. |
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Sorry, I meant the whole situation is sad. The guy putting her down and her family laughing along with him. Oh no, I'm sorry I agree with you completely I just cannot relate to someone who would put up with that kind of treatment. I don't understand it. well it's definitely a downward spiral - it sounds like they got started on that track - and kept on - like a bad habit and I can be a silly smart azz myself, so I don't mind an occasional joke among friends as it's good to have a sense of humor about oneself, but not a pattern of that kind of behavior with constant belittling messages, no |
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