A man on a "general forum" sent me a note in regards to one of my threads and posts...He seemed legit at first because he stuck to the topic. But before long I realized that he was a married man just looking for an "emotional affair" online...He complained about his wife and said that she didn't understand him and talked about how he might have to leave her down the line...Anyway I cut things off with him but I'm sure he went on a "fishing spree" to find new woman on the forum...Have you had any experiences like this? I'm a recent widow and I'm not savvy when it comes to all of the online "games" that go on today.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

From my own personal experience, it is rather common. I have had a few men from sites that weren't even dating sites approach me and then it quickly lead into that kind of sob story.

It makes you rather blunt upfront, "what do you want from this communication". And that isn't fair to the legitimate men sincerely that are looking, but I just look at from the perspective that they have to have had their share of women coming on to them for nefarious reasons.

I do want to say though in my 15 years online that I have had less then 10% percent of truly bad experiences with men, so take heart.

You may be accurate in what you are describing but I can't count the number of my female friends over the years who have cried on my shoulder about the possibility of divorce. It seems part of human nature. The internet makes it easy to spill your guts without the fear of someone telling your spouse.

I presume he was open about being married. I wasn't there so I don't know the context of your conversations but it appears you may be overreacting a bit.

If he was telling you that he loved you and was actively seeking intimacy, ... that's another story.

Anyone can cheat anywhere, anytime.
You can be savvy as chickens and still get caught.
The internet facilitates this somewhat.
But you get wiser, with the experiences.

The problem usually ends up being, you hold
everyone else responsible for what a wanker did.
But being jaded is worse than being taken.
Because suspicion hoods all the comers.

Tis a slippery slope :-)

Thanks for your post...Well he had a weird way of trying to make everything "about us." About how we might meet in the future etc. No matter what I said he had a way of turning things around to be "about us" eventually...He painted his wife as a "meanie" and very unreasonable person. Yet he was a horrible listener most of the time. He only wanted to hear what he wanted to hear and ignored everything else!....I was "too nice" for too long and I finally had to "bail."

Thanks for writing...Sorry that you have been contacted by married men at times too. It was a first for me...Thanks for the tips about handling these types of situations. I'm a recent widow and I've been out of the dating scene for nearly 29 years.

i've recently learned that i must take ANYTHING ANYONE says to me around here (or any online dating site) with a grain of salt...

online dating like so many things on line can be risky.. i could be a 6'4 blonde firefighter very muscular and an all around great guy or i could be a criminal that sells drugs and are you to know anything but what i tell you

its tricky because it depends upon whether one believes in friendship between the opposite sex or not

I have been able to befriend those already in relationships who needed such a friend in hard times,, it was over the internet, there was nothing being planned and no manipulation,, just one perosn in hard times needing to talk


I think if the friendship is not romantic in nature, there is nothing wrong with it,, especially if the only 'contact' is over a computer screen


on the other hand, I feel it inappropriate for such an online friend to comment about the other friends spouse or advise them on whether to stay or go

I have always stayed out of it, and just advised my friend when asked, and even then my advise was always to talk with their spouse about it and try to resolve it

I am fairly sure i have been contacted on a couple occasions where they were "seperated" but still living together. In which case their divorce was not yet legal or they had not gone through the whole seperation of property and therefore neither of them wanted to leave...

I realized they probably were not even seperated, nor had any intentions to seperate. Only to string you along as long as they can. I dont "put out" and therefore i think that usually sends a signal out pretty quick and they will move on.

I tried to keep an open mind and probably was a bit naive at times, but in the end, I am no HOMEWRECKER, and my lack of willingness to be intimate with them quickly shed them from my contact list at their own choice. Lesson learned I guess on my part.

yes, it all comes out in the wash

my parents were in just that situation when they got older, they divorced but had lifelong ties to their home and ocmmunity so they remained living together for almost two years, and prior to the divorce, they moved to seperate sections of the house for nearly a year and a half in a kind of mutual 'seperation'

they both made friends during the time of the seperation who continued on being their friends after the divorce...

IT isnt always easy or even practical to walk away from a home one is invested in just because of what people might think otherwise,,,some are mature enough to live together with no more romantic interest or relationship

but that comes out as we get to know people and know how mature they are,,,,

See i can totally understand that, which Is why i was trying to be open minded about it. But I guess the part where "they dont get laid" before a certain time of THEIR choice, really shows their true colors.

Years ago I became friends with a male customer who used to buy products from me and my husband online...He was married too but he never came on to me. He never flirted with me and never tried to make "more" out of our friendship. Down the road he became a "family friend" and I got to know his wife a little more too. So I do think that people of the opposite sex can be "just friends."

Sure I am friends with all my girls husbands and we all trust each other. Also my friends know i am a much better friend anyways to let their husband pick up on me and not tell them about it. My friends husbands never tried to pick up on me anyways. Im very local to my area and I think people would know it is too risky. I am thinking this would be more of an online issue if anything where people can be total strangers and also a lot more anonymous.

Even Jimmy Carter lusts in his heart!
He is probably lusting on the internet (for peace) right now!

I think it is like moral support. He needed you for a sounding board. It is like substitution therapy. He had this big whole in his life. When I first went to the grief share meeting after I lost my wife I sit through the first meeting and just listened. Didn't take long though and I was sobbing just like the others. It was like we all had something in common. The chair lady told me I couldn't just replace the woman I lost with another woman. She said it doesn't work that way. Women are not like interchangeable parts on a vehicle. She said that some men did go to the meetings to pick up chicks. He shared something with you that he just couldn't share with his wife. For a moment in time you were like a surrogate wife. He was honest with you where he couldn't be honest with his wife in his communication. Or at least that seems to be the rationale. Sigmund Freund once asked, "What seems to be the problem?" You did the right thing by avoiding this red flag as I am sure other women did just the same thing. We must be true to ourselves if we wish to be true to others.

Adds a new dimension to the phrase "Just Say NO"

RainbowTrout...Thanks for the insights. The married man who wrote to me was lonely and hungry for a little "special attention." He said that he and his wife had just become "parents only" through the years...I could relate to what he said. He was a nice guy. But he kept trying to make "more" out of our relationship. (At least in the future anyway.) I guess he wanted to have a "light" waiting for him at the end of the "tunnel" or ?? But this is not how I felt about him..We really didn't have much in common. It seemed like he was trying to "mold" and "shape me" into who he wanted me to be! He was quite a bit younger than me too...I'm sorry that you lost your wife. I lost my husband last year. The man who wrote to me said he hoped to have a happy marriage like I had with my husband someday too. Maybe he was attracted to me at first due to the posts I wrote about my husband and our life together. But I don't feel that I can just pick any man out of a bag and substitute him for my husband. It's not that simple! As you know it takes time to work through all of the stages of grief.

all of this sounds very familiar- my experiences similar. I have only met one guy on here who was willing to talk long term without intimate convos (but he expected me to not mind if he did that with other willing women on the site so that was an issue)

I don't like to be rushed or pushed into things. I don't want to "talk sex" or even "talk love" right off the bat! I was "just friends" with my (deceased) husband for 2 years before love entered the picture...We needed time to really get to know each other and time to trust each other. I think it's a mistake to rush right into new relationships "wearing blinders!" It takes time to see "all sides" to people. I let an earlier husband push me into getting married "too fast" and it turned out that we had very little in common. (Our marriage lasted less than a year!)