This is about the people who contact me, which you already know if you read the aforementioned title as mentioned above.

OK, here's the thing -- I get a fair amount of people contacting me on here, via e-mail, IM, nudges, whatever. A certain percentage of these are scammers, and (thanks to Mark and Charles and their crew) I can usually get them nuked within 45 seconds.

As for the ones who are not (or who cannot definitively be proven to be) scammers, I notice a disconcerting sameness in them. Many of the messages are extremely brief (I had one this morning that said "Can I know u?"), poorly written, completely devoid of any signs of useful information or a functioning brain stem, and from people who are very very far away.

I rarely hear from anyone who actually has anything to say, or the literacy skills to say it.

And this puzzles me, because nowhere in my profile (I think -- I mean, the damn thing is so long I rarely go in there myself anymore) does it say "Please contact me if your writing is so garbled and incomprehensible that it will give me a massive headache."

Statistically, it seems to me that the odds SHOULD be that at least one genuine prospect should have contacted me by now, seeing that I've been here 4 1/2 years. Math was never my best subject, though, so I may not know what I'm talking about. It would certainly not be the first time.

And there are many locals on this site; I see them floating through "People You Might Be Interested In" every day. When I look at their profiles, though, it always says "Last Seen Shortly After The Civil War" or something along those lines.

I just don't understand what makes me attractive to someone whose most creative act in life was opening a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips.

George Costanza said it best: "When I like them, they don't like me...and when they like me, I don't like them." OMG, I'm George Costanza....

I have never in my life opened up a bag of Ruffles. If i could buy them here i would go and buy a pack now so i can refer to myself as an artist.

There is definitely a knack to that. Fox is going to do a new reality show called "America's Got Ruffles," the whole point of which is to see who can open the bag the most artistically.

Ummmmmmm...I will assume you mean the local people who contact you (i.e. dating prospects in the Greater Crown Point area) so that I don't have to cry "Foul!"

Sounds like the next big show to hit our televisions. I am really looking forward to "Britain's Got Pringles", and i think that "Germany's Got Bockwurst" should be subtitled for us English speakers.



There is always a chance Lex, that your Maths is correct, and you are just a little overdue for that contact with a truly genuine prospect. As unlikely as it might seem, it could happen at any moment in time. There is always a chance too that it might never happen, but then you cant go on thinking like that.

Well, no, because no one closer than 897,000 miles has ever contacted me here at all.

Now you have to understand that some of what I write might be construed as slightly hyperbolic, in the same way that the Sphinx is slightly old. So I'm not actually trying to cast aspersions on any specific person here (although there are a few I'd like to throw grenades at). Think of it as my attempt to try to connect with someone who could make sense to me. Or make sense of me. Or something.

Yeah, but when 90% of them start out with "I read your profile and I loved it!!!!! Where are you and what do you do?" it's kind of disturbing. Either they didn't read it at all, or they have some overwhelming short-term memory issues. I mean, I only mention my books about once ever other sentence in there.

I understand where you're coming from. My contacts are always from another state or country. I need me a local babe.

Yeah, what is up with that? Everyone who contacts me is either from New York or California; if not, it's from some country I never even heard of. "Hi, my name is Jsrbuopewsw, and I live in Malaporeckistan, I read your profile and I loved it!!!!! How do you feel about marrying me and supporting my eleven kids and five goats and a Galapagos tortoise with Alzheimer's?"

You can forgive a woman for not reading the whole thing. Maybe they get so aroused reading it they cannot help but email you before finishing it!

And at least you do get mail, you probably get more than a lot of people. I get absolutely NO email on here at all, my inbox is literally empty. This is a good thing for me given my circumstances, but if i was looking to meet someone my chances would actually be zero. You at least have a sniff.

Hi George, I'm Robert

That's true, but would it be asking so much to get a message from a.) someone who actually lived close enough to meet in real life, and b.) someone I could actually be interested in? Don't get me wrong, I've made some wonderful friends here. But I'm still waiting to run across a legitimate dating prospect (not counting my ex who signed up here to contact me back in 2007 -- I already knew her, going back to 1999).

Have you seen the Penske file anywhere? Not sure where I put the Penske file.

Too aroused. Yeah. That's It.
btw Dan, does not your profile headline state "Read My Profile and then Bugger Off!" ? D'ya think THAT might explain the lack of messages? Possibly? Perhaps being your obedient minions,we read and then obey.

well at least they dont ask u to get married and have there 12 kids.

butz i knozes my englishes izz badz butzz iz tryz to beez goodishss
andz i dont knowsh zz ruffles buttz i gotzz layzzz

Its not too much to ask for, but maybe its too much to expect, stop waiting for it, and maybe out of the blue it will hit you in the face with a wet fish.

It's worth considering

Women don't respect salad eaters.

Oh, but they HAVE....!!!!



You seem suspiciously well-informed about this sort of writing....!!

Well yes, but Lex is saying that people don't read profiles, so on that basis i should get at least some emails. Although probably the main reason i get no email is because i'm in the UK and wont appear in most peoples searches. Plus the fact i am butt ugly of course.