That'd be a major red flag for me.

Yeah, I think it's a bit odd to be mad if your significant other talks to their friends about you.

Unless he's afraid she's going to be honest and he'll end up looking bad.

I think I understand what Johnn is trying to say here. Privacy and discretion are the points he was trying to convey, if I'm not mistaken. Trouble in a relationship is a private matter, therefore it should be resolved by the two parties involved, mainly the couple.

On the other hand, I also get what Singmesweet and LeighAnna are trying to impart. Of course, people have a right to talk about the issue to close friends. Some people do this to get a different perspective or opinion. Others, to validate a point. Some are just really close with their friends that they would sometimes gravitate towards the friend rather than the partner when a crisis in the relationship arises.

Having said that, if I have a problem in my relationship, I would like for my partner and I to exhaust every means possible to work it out before we would consider involving other people, regardless of the degree of friendship. The friends would only become involved as a last resort. But of course, this is just strictly my opinion upon the matter. I could be wrong in my interpretation since I had too many espressos tonight.

You seemed to have a problem with someone you're dating talking to her friends about you. What I was wondering, which I'm sure you could see from my post, is that if you tell her upfront not to discuss your relationship with her friends? And why do you think it's such a big deal? Friends discuss things, including relationships.

It's normal for people to have insecurities but when a problem arises between two people, turning to a friend might make things worse. I'm speeking from my own experience. I turned to a friend once and found out the hard way about why the help was so easily given to begin with. It did more harm then good. Asking others questions is one thing but to discuss a relationship problem with someone other then your partner could be a big blow with trust. Besides wasn't this about continued friendships with the opposite sex while dating someone. Seems to be more to it then what was first mentioned. :)

Yes, I'm talking about close friends. I'm not talking about broadcasting relationship details with just anyone. But, if I were told by someone I was starting to date not to ever discuss the relationship with a close friend of mine, I'd find that a bit controlling and a definite red flag.

Red you are bang on....
But somehow it got distorted into me putting a gag order on my S.O.

Hopefully you are like me, and try to FIX problems in a relationship, instead of taking the easy way out and simply moving on to the next (like a wh@re). The problem is that your sweetheart is not serious enough about your relationship and is too flirty. She should not be feeling the need to have these male friends, you should be enough for her. Attempting to make her jealous is not going to solve this problem, but only add fuel to the fire. I don't have any guaranteed solutions, but at least can give the advice that your approach is all wrong.

Well, I had given up, but what the hell, it's free entertainment.

Can i reference my most recent experiences?

in 2009, I met a woman. We dated, and in 2010, we married. Immediately after the wedding, she took her kids, and had lunch with a male friend who she met after we became exclusive. this was not an established friend. She began spending more and more time with him, and when i confronted her, and simply asked, "if i had a female friend, and was spending that much time with her, would you be ok with that?"

she replied, "no, you're right. i'm sorry. i'm getting too close. it just got out of hand."

about 6 weeks later, she confesses to me that she's still married to her previous husband, and wants out of our marriage. Fed up, I agreed to move on. She tried to hang on. It was THEN that I made friends with a former budweiser model to see how she would react.
She wasnt happy. "it makes me feel inferior", she said. Did she not think that what she was doing made me feel the same way? Would be wife then divorces her husband and starts a relationship with male friend. End of story 1.

Met a woman in October 2010. Woman from story 1 still meddling. New girlfriend despises ex, and when i take ex'es cat to her, new girlfriend demands to be present....and says....and i quote..."I'll kill the f***ing b***h!I know she wants you back!" I made no conversation with ex in the process. none. After the cat goes, everything's fine. Come February. Girlfriend, driving my truck, gets stuck in snow and calls her ex boyfriend to come get her. They then spend 4 hours together. "He will always be my friend.", she says. I say "So if I go and hang with my ex for 4 hours in a snowstorm, that's gonna be ok?"....no answer. She went to bed. That was the beginning of the end.

and with what i'm seeing in these posts, seems like most women posting would do the same thing. just sayin. don't bring another man into the picture if you don't want me bringing another woman in.

As far as being upset by it, i was...but after realizing that as long as you have charisma....or looks...or something....finding someone else is not hard, the feelings have subsided. but it is frustrating when your signifigant other doesn't follow a standard, yet they expect you to. That just doesn't work in our world, ladies.

if you want to have lunch, sex, or whatever with other men, including new male friends, your SO should be allowed the same priviledge with other women.

John...it's not a man/woman thing! My ex always talked to everyone except me when we had problems and that really bothered me. He made a female friend once & they happened to disappear from the bar we were all out at one night. She dropped him off around 4 am & they were kissing in the car. When I confronted him about it he said it was a friendly good bye kiss (not sure when those started including tongue?!) and that they were looking for his phone & talking about me all night...yeah, I bet!

I have 2 bffs (1 female & 1 male)! Those 2 are the only people outside of family members that I would talk to about any relationship issues. I would never do so with a new-found friend of either sex, but I know who I can trust in my world!

Kevin...I think you should look for women that are a little more secure & not into games...it just isn't worth it in the end!

well said, firefly, but they dont exactly come with that tattooed on their forehead. Ladies, would you consider tattooing.....nevermind.

Hi Fire

You're right, and I think Red, the OP and you did a good job clarifying things... It happens with insecure ppl not just men OR women. I often expect ppl to understand my train of thought... some do and some don't in virtual land. The ones who don't, I would expect them to stay civilized instead of going off on some stoopid tangent of negativity and bitterness.

Kevin, stop playing games with women and you'll be more likely to find women who don't play games with you.

Opposite sex means Men.

so what you're saying, sweet....is that rather than exchange the same way, i should walk from such relationships the very moment that behavior starts? i've done that....that only leads to the belief by women in my inner circle that i had no true feelings for that person, because i walked away so easy. so it's damned if i do, damned if i don't. so damn the relationships. damn em.

Well Kevin, I'm glad you came back to read the newer posts.

And this discussion was not started to begin a finger-pointing contest. We all have our opinions, and Kevin will decide what he wants to do based on his own thoughts and the input received.

I try to be open and honest in relationships. So if my woman wanted to spend more time with her male friends than with me, it would upset me. I would mention that. If she didn't want me to have female friends at the same time, I would say something about that too. Truth is, if you have friends of the opposite sex, then you need to make an effort to include your SO rather than exclude. That way you are being open, and they can see things for him/herself. There isn't any "what are you doing when I'm not around". However, if that does come up, then there is a deeper issue, whether it's an insecurity or actual cheating. Point is, as long as you are honest, upfront, and inclusive, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

In the past, I have given up too easily. In fact, I don't get as much attention from women in my area as I used to....so I tend to think they are shallow people. When I get outside of my area, I find that I get a lot more attention from women. And I find those women more interesting too. So, I have come to accept that it is just the area I live in, not necessarily me.

lynx, what i have found is that words are useless in that situation. all i ever get in return is, "Can't you just be happy i made a friend?" and on the other side, when i introduce a female friend, my SO says "i believe you are more than just friends." so there does seem to have been a double standard.

Of course they're going to think that. You told us why in your very first post.



Why do you think anyone is going to believe your female friends are actually just friends after you told us that? And if you're making it a point to make your significant other uncomfortable, why get upset when that actually happens?

regardless of whether i am interested in them, in the event my s.o. chooses to hang with the opposite sex, i should be allowed the same. whether or not the friend i make is better lookin than my s.o., whether or not the friend i make has intentions to rip my clothes off, or whatever....if my significant other chooses to place herself in a position where she can fall for another man, i should be allowed the same courtesy. ***swish*** thats the game, folks.