ok i am confused? can some one tell me why parents turn there kids against the other parent?

see my parents devoiced when i was 4 and a half my dad was not around often and when he was he was drunk. I remember seeing him once when i was about 5 and i said hi daddy he never even looked at me he just keep walking buy me. now when i try to be in his life my mom gets mad and i cant have them both in my life at the same time. they both say bad thing against each other and i hate it but i don't know what to do I LOVE THEM BOTH. i belive that everyone makes mistakes and that life is short so i want my kids to know both my mom and dad but its hard to do when they wont talk to me if i talk to the other parent.????? what should i do ???????????????????????????????

It is hard for them both. I am sure they both have unresolved feelings of anger toward the other. Your mom feels like she raised you and your dad didn't. Your dad probably feels like your mom told you things or kept you away from him. It's a no win situation for any involved. May i just suggest that you give it some time, make some ground rules, and move forward.

Not all parents have the ability to put their own garbage aside for the sake of their children. They are probably not even able to see how much it hurts you they are to busy hurting each other. Please dont ever think it has anything to do with you. I am stuck on the other side of this coin. My son's father was not around much when he was little then when he turned 15 his father acted like he was there and oh so helpful to anyone who who listen. I raised my son alone with out support of any kind from him except the occasional head ache when he would show up at my house drunk. I hold a great deal of hurt and anger towards my son's father; however, I have always told him it is his choice wither he had a relationship with him or not. I also told my son he needed to respect my distaste for his father and understand that once he turned 18 I no longer had to deal with his father nor would I. I have never kept him from seeing his father, but I know that like you my son feels caught in the middle cause we are his parents. I have always been honest with my son as to why I dont and wont have anything more to do with his father and for the most part he understands, but like I said I know he feels stuck at times. But after what his father put me but most of all my son thru I will never forgive him for his lack of being a parent. So you have to make a choice. If you want both your parents in your life and your childrens lives you are either going to have to except the fact that it is going to have to be you see one at one time and the other at another time or put your foot down and tell them you will not tolerate their behavior to grow up stop acting like kids or they will loose you all. You hold the cards right now. These are your children. You have the right to make what ever choices you feel are in the best interest of your children. But you have to also stop and kind of look at this from your moms point as well. She was there full time and he was not sometimes its hard for the primary care giver to understand why you would want to have a relationship with someone who never had time for you. So you take the bull by the horn and do what you feel is right for you and your children and let your parents sit in their own garbage. It is not yours it does not belong to you it is theirs give it to them to deal with. I hope that helped a bit.

Well, as a mother who got the minimum effort from my kid's dad, I can most certainly understand HER animosity. It's a hard, bitter pill to swallow when much later the other parent wants to be involved when the whole time the child was being reared, all that work of the one parent, all the dedication, sucking it up, keeping one's mouth shut, doing all the pain in the a$$ work.... It hurts the parent who put out all the effort and the kid seems to discount all of the crap the parent went through and wants to just forgive and forget the jerky parent who was probably not just absent, but hurtful and conniving to the parent who put up.
BUT, it's one thing for that parent to express dismay and her/his feelings. It's another to make ultimatums. Perhaps this is just the hurting and angry stage and your mom will come to terms in a good way to protect herself and abide your rekindled relationship. Until them, cut her some slack. I can see how she would feel he's not your father at all, really.

i have been trying to do this for the last 5 years and they have been devoriced for 20 years so if there are unresolved problems or feelings it problem wont change and its not getting any better. i know that dad was not around and he was always disappointing us kids never did what he said he would never came around when he said he would but hes still are dad and are mom did a great job she was always there for us but always saying bad things about him and i mean we all make mistakes right? i have some anger toured my dad but i still love him and i love my mom too.

i get all of this and my moms very happy with my step father who has been my dad for the last 20 years. and i am torn between all 4 parents but i want to be in my real dads life for my kids and because i have a half sister who i love a lot and she loves my 2 children very much. my mom and step father did all the work to bring up 3 healthy and well mannered children and i get dad did not even pay child support and it still hurts to think he can walk by his own child and not even look at me or say hi i need to get to know him before its to late. i dont know much about that side of my family.

thanks to everyone i do understand this really

I have read that in a childs developmental growth, one of the hardest things for them to realize is that their parents are just people. all fukced up just like everybody else

yep ****ed up but 20 plus years later cant they grow up and set aside there problems out of the 3 children i am the only one who cares to get to know my dad better.

ok so i tryed to tell them how i feel one to a time and still they cant say any thing nice about each other. Why is it that i was told groing up if you cant say something nice dont say anything it should be the same for them right ?

ok i am confused? can some one tell me why parents turn there kids against the other parent?

^simple they are more worried about their own vanity then the welfare of the child, to any parents that do this here's a polite message, Grow the hell up before your child learns and understands that you are full of it.

thank you well said. its to the point now i know what both say is just not right but really i am not a child now i am 24 with 2 kids of my own and know that i wont have my parents for ever so i wish they would let me love them both. there is noway i well ever put my kids through this as much as i don't like there fathers i cant put my kids through this hell

Its actually very simple, your dad probably hurt your mom. He left her holding the bag more or less! The real problem is, you should not even know that your dad didn't pay child support...what are parents thinking when they tell their kids stuff like that? I think parents say things out of anger and from being hurt and they don't take into consideration the children's feelings.
I know my mom and dad got a divorce when I was 16. My mom always said hurtful things about my dad...BUT she still loved him. He left her for another woman and it broke her heart. So she didn't think about how us children felt...she was to hurt! Thank goodness my dad and mom made up before my dad passed away last December.
Things will work out...it just takes time. Maybe your mom still has unresolved feelings for your dad that only she can work out? Just be patient and try to be understanding.
Good luck

Seems like extreme hurt and vindictiveness "I dont like you so your kid shouldnt like you" type of thing. My soon to be ex does the same thing. Fortunately, I am raising our daughter so she wont be exposed to such nonsense and she doesnt hear a negative thing about her dad in our home.

I feel strongly that children at some point view themselves quite literally as part of their parents (why so many adopted children still feel a NEED to know their biological parents). I would personally never risk my own childs self view by degrading the person they are a part of. Regardless of how awful a spouse may be, there is a reason that it takes two to make a child and the healthiest thing for that child is to feel a part of those two peoples lives without feeling pressured to 'take sides' in the marriage or breakup of.

..alot of things you wont understand until you go through them yourself..being a single parent is a hard road..you have to be willing to sacrafice almost everything for the child..

..after all now you have both roles to play.. i am a single parent but i have always left the door open for my son to see his mother,and i try not to talk about her if i'm upset with her not sending him anything for his birthdays or christmas..

..but still the door remains open,and still i play both roles,i have NO social life..at all and no extra money to pursue one,especially lately since my son's arm was dislocated in a boating accident and had to have surgery..

..his mother knows nothing about it,even tho he has her number he wont call her..but that door remains open..i let him make his own decisions..

as a matter of fact we had an argument this morning and he wanted to know why i didnt leave her alot sooner..kids can see what the other parent had to put up with..but still the door remains open..jmo

this too will pass,, hang in there

oh i know about the single parent life trust me i have a 4 yr old and her dad was not around much he is now and we try not to fight because of her and now as of October i am single with 2 children

my sons father deiced he was not happy with us anymore did not want to live as a family so i am doing this on my own and i dont want my kids to go through what i am with my parents.

this is why my parents split too my dad was cheating on my mom with her friend i just don't get it. i remember a lot about the devoice and i was only 4.5 yrs old. my mom is still friends with this woman to this day over 20 years latter and she tells me its the best thing her friend could have done. but from what my mom says my dad was abusive and he drank all the time. i know the drinking thing is true he still drinks a lot. i try not to hold the things my mom says about my dad agents him and my dad has stopped saying things to me but his wife still says stuff about my mom.

I have thought about this issue many times over the years. Experienced as a child of divorce and as a parent that was divorced.

I tried my best not to bad mouth my Ex after years of hearing how my parents were failed human beings I didn't see the need to do that to my children.

He did a good enough job of making himself a liar all by himself over the years.

As adults they have had contact but except for telling them to be careful I have stayed out of it.

How do I feel about it? I understand their interest but I worry about them getting ripped off. It hurts me to see they allow the grandkids around him. I don't feel it is a privelege he has earned but as long as he doesn't hurt them I am not going to make and issue of it between me and my child. It does however feel like a betrayal and I wonder how we are suppose to teach our children about loyalty if give no value to the contribrutions of parents that get the job done while the other does little or nothing.

this is why my parents split too my dad was cheating on my mom with her friend i just don't get it. i remember a lot about the devoice and i was only 4.5 yrs old. my mom is still friends with this woman to this day over 20 years latter and she tells me its the best thing her friend could have done. but from what my mom says my dad was abusive and he drank all the time. i know the drinking thing is true he still drinks a lot. i try not to hold the things my mom says about my dad agents him and my dad has stopped saying things to me but his wife still says stuff about my mom.


I don't see how you expect your step-mother not to defend his husband.

What I really don't understand is as a mother of two why you want to associate yourself with someone who is drinking a lot still and will probably do little but bring more drama into your life and theirs.

negativity breeds negativity, sometimes you have to cut your losses and surround yourself with positive people. I wouldn't give a damn who a person was to me or what member of the family they were, if they brought a negative vibe around my child, I would not bring my child around them, cut and dry, what's more important, your child or appeasing someone who has yet to grow up.