you need to open yourself up to new and interesting experiences and people. so often in life we think we know what we want. we try to be selective and not arbitrary.

the result of our endeavors can be restriction of our life adventures...and the people who fuel them.

go ahead, make mistakes, get dirty, fail miserably, have fun
and live. drink it all in and take chances. you never know what you never know...

Well, that's always been my attitude, too.

I KNOW what happens when I'm not picky -- hell, I spent years being not picky, and ending up with people like my ex-wife and several dozen replicants of her. It was, in the end, "learn or die."

And I admit, I didn't learn quickly or easily. I kept making the same mistakes in partner-choices over and over. I tell people that if you let the same piano fall on your head the 95th time, then there's a problem in the equation somewhere. Or you need to stand someplace else.

But some people seem to think that I've allowed the pendulum to swing too far the other way. "You weren't selective enough when you were younger," they say, "but now you've become TOO selective and you've virtually eliminated any real chance of meeting anybody."

I don't know if that's true or not, but I DO know that I'd rather be alone than be with the ex-wife or one of her replicants.

People act like I have some War-And-Peace-length list of standards, etc. (and it probably hasn't helped that I've offered to send full transcripts out for $12.95), but the fact is I have only THREE (3) actual deal-breakers. Everything else is open for discussion. Does it matter? No, not really, because 184% of the female population on every dating site I've ever seen AUTOMATICALLY transgresses two of the three, and probably the third one, too, but they won't admit it.

But, really. Three things. Is that so much to ask? Look at me. I'm a writer, I've published two books, I have a third one coming out shortly, I can speak Russian, I won a spelling bee in 6th grade. I can draw a passable duck. You would think there would be ONE PERSON who would be a decent match for me. But no.

Well, dammit, that's fine. Because I'm sure as hell not going to end up with someone like my ex-wife again. Or one of her replicants.

I have fat friends who complain about men being "shallow" because they won't date a woman of their size. It really ticks me off. I'm no Kate Moss, that's for sure, and it doesn't bother me one bit of a guy doesn't like me because of my size. It's just a preference and we all have them. You shouldn't fault someone for what they find physically attractive. No different than me loving redheads, or freakishly tall men. You can try to go outside of your preferences, but if you're not completely attracted to your partner, it can be bad news.

Having other standards is just the same. When talking to a guy online, if he can't spell well, I lose all interest. If he can't financially support himself, or is living with mom and dad, I don't want him. Needs constant reassurance? Pass. Agrees with me all the time? No thanks. They're just things that I do and don't want in a partner, and there's nothing wrong with that. In some cases it can help to compromise, but it's not a requirement. It's your life and if you want to keep searching until you find your ideal, go for it.

That's something you see on dating sites a lot -- the "Looks don't matter, I just want someone decent and who will accept me." But if that was really the case, I think we'd be seeing a lot more hookups than what we've seen so far.

I personally try not to overemphasize the physical angle because I'm just not really attracted to very many people in the first place. There are two distinct physical types that get my attention automatically and immediately, but I rarely see them on dating sites, and only slightly more frequently in real life. So I try (hypothetically, anyway) to be open to other physical types, but it doesn't matter in the long run because, no matter how they look,all they want to do is drink and pop out babies, not necessarily in that order.



Yeah, that's a huge one for me, too. Especially when you're dealing with people in a written medium, such as an internet dating site -- if someone can't be clear here, on my monitor screen, what's it going to be like in person? Yeah, I am definitely a grammar/spelling/punctuation snob. And I've never tried to deny it.



Compromise is OK -- I mean, I'm an atheist and I've dated people with all kinds of religious beliefs....it's one of those things, "You respect mine and I'll respect yours, and we can talk about it but nobody demands conversion either way."

But there are a few things I've just seen too much of to compromise about. And those, inevitably, are the things that most people choose to cling to....it's an entirely untenable situation in the long run.

I think I hold several world records for failing miserably!

The only difference between an imbecile and a wise man..........Is that the wise man learns from his mistakes....

Failure is an "awesome" teacher.

I met my honey on another site...we are doing very well! We have so much in common and we are learning so many different things from each other that I find it really fun. I love being together with him when we can. He only lives about 45 min. from me but we both work seperate shifts so we only get to see each other on the weekends. That is fine for now though.

to the OP...

imho - nothing wrong with being selective, or "picky" in my book.

statistically, if you are an "outlier" - and you are seeking another "outlier" - it will take longer for you to meet them, no matter where (online or not)... even more so if the population is smaller where you are...

As for the venue, I agree. If you go to "free" sites, you will find different people than "pay" sites, and even more so different from "matchmaking services"... although I find that cost of the site is not always indicative of "quality" - more so than income...

unfortunately it sounds like you live in an area - where to meet someone you dont have as many places to go where like minded people socialize!...

keep you chin up man!! keep meeting people, it's the only way!... one thing tho, prioritizing your criteria may help - not saying "broaden" your search, but how important is a specific trait - given the whole person...

good luck!!

p.s. I dated a writer (female) once, and it is a hard road. Writing is a craft that takes a LOT of time, thought, and practice... much of the practice is "alone time"... not to say it's impossible... it's just unique...

Well, that makes sense to me. It gives the relationship time to develop, and you can sort of analyze things as they go, and decide at what point you want to take it to the next level. 45 minutes is certainly not overly restrictive, and having the weekends for the relationship gives you plenty of personal time to deal with all the other stuff in your life.

My problem is that the only person I'm really interested in, is only interested in me when her life falls apart. Then it's "I love you, I need you, I can't live without you" until I fix everything for her, and then she disappears again until there's another calamity. We've been playing this little scenario over and over for about 10 years now, and it's getting tiring.

On the other hand, she's the only person I've ever met who stacks up well with my standards/criteria (except for the using me and then disappearing thing), and there simply isn't any viable way for me to meet someone else.

Which, I suppose, is the whole purpose behind this thread, on some level....

Honeybunches!

Yeah, I do see that as being a problem, because a.) I don't know anyone here, b.) my mobility is somewhat hampered after being in a massive car crash back in February, and c.) the population base isn't exactly enormous here.

Looking for a non-traditional, outside-the-box type is hard enough even when those factors are seemingly in one's favor....



That's true -- I tried a pay site once, never sent out a first e-mail, and was contacted by 174 of their members in a 3-month period, mostly locals. Unfortunately, they all seemed to have skipped reading my profile, and asked me to meet them (usually that same day) at a local bar. No thanks.



Thank you! I just have to figure out a way to meet some people around here, which is going to be difficult.



Oh, absolutely true -- I am basically the reclusive hermit type -- and there are people who simply can't cope with that.

Picky and selective seems to me that they are two words having the same meaning. I guess using the word "picky" can denote as somebody who is careful and precise on what it is that the person want out of someone. Nit-picky is a phrase that is common to use too. Thus, I find that if one who want to be clear on how to express one's likings as to be a picky person, then I assume picky can be the most accurate way of expressing your desire to have whatever specific requirements that you prefer to be the utmost important. Selective, however, seems to be just a way of being equivocal only on the reason that "picky", by convention, is usually something that has a negative connotation to it.

So... are you Picking on Lexy here for being Selective?

I think it's in the tone being used -- people tell me I'm "too picky," as if this is some kind of sin; nobody ever says I'm "too selective."

Do they mean the same thing? Yeah, pretty much, I think they do. It's just that one comes across as being less of a criticism, at least insofar as the people who have used "picky" on me.

Of Oats??

I thought it was "wheat"....

If you're single, with no children, and no family, is there some other reason that is preventing you from moving to another city?

You might think about relocating, if it's possible. Of course, that's not to say that you will necessarily find someone who interests and attracts you on all levels in another city; however, it may widen the pool somewhat.

Context is an interesting thing. Let's say that a person says, "he is too picky." Now, to me when an utterence like that occur, one must look into how it can be used to express very different propositions, depending upon the circumstances in which they are used.

For example:

1. He is picky - Meaning he is shallow
2. He is picky - Being meticulous in detail
3. He is picky - Knows what he wants
4. etc...

Most of the time, when it's directed towards me, it's clear that the implication is #1 -- "shallow." Many of them will even use that term (or "superficial"). For whatever reason, a lot of people have a sort of knee-jerk, offended reaction when I indicate that I'm really not interested in certain types of people. Of course, the ones who choose to be offended are always the ones who fall into those types, as if I had created my standards and preferences solely for the purpose of demeaning them personally.

I've been looking into that, and it's just not feasible at this time.