One at a time for me

I need more than a spark for sure, I must know weather someone is healthy for me, and my son as well. Im attracted to ALOT of people but it doesnt mean theyre good for me.

I recently heard the phrase "serial monogomist" used in a similar conversation. Whether it's about a serious/sexual relationship or just casual dating, having a whole psychological description must mean seeing one person at a time isn't that unusual or out of the question.


One person at a time seems okay - just depends on the people, I suppose.

Thats funny, also.. "no life" comes to mind.. I wouldnt encourage an excess of anything, including dating.. there are other extremes like codependant people who ALWAYS must be in a relationship of some kind, and feel the need to have an endless string of, "friends" "lovers" "boyfriends" "husbands" and dates".

I would imagine if someone is seeing that many people, they must have a deficiency of some kind, definitely trying to fill a void, or just wayyy too much time on theyre hands. Im positive balance is important in anything you do.

Im pretty sure someone should be comfortable with time spent alone, and out of relationships, or doing other things.

But Im not going to dedicate myself to anyone or anything that doesnt deserve all I have to offer, or hasnt earned my attention, let alone my affection, love, intimacy, or sex. To me its impersonal, a connection thats 5 steps into a relationship with no clue who they are. Its like walking up to a stranger in kmart, and offering a kiss. Wierd. Certainly common dating wise, but in my opinion all common things are not quality, or healthy. And Im not a huge fan of being "stuck" with someone who is probably going to end up not with me anyway. I will settle when I know its right for me, not because Im tried of dating.

If that person doesn't deserve " all " you have to offer, then why are you dating them??

I don't mean to come off as harsh, but, in my humble ( and perhaps wrong ) opinion, a guy cannot get a fair shake with someone if that person is dividing their attention.

And also in my opinion, one person cannot get someone's undivided attention when there are others involved.

It isn't a matter of control.

You said that you don't get intimate with someone until you know them very well.

What are you not finding out while you are out with someone else?? I don't feel that anyone could really get to know someone when they are dividing their time between 2 or more people.

Whether or not you believe so, I think that when someone divides their attention between 2 or more people in a dating situation, comparisons are always being made.

It really doesn't take very long to figure out if someone is for you or not. Why the need to split time until you find out for sure??

Perhaps it's a kick for a person's self esteem knowing that more than one person wants to date them. But if there are issues like that, then dating is a pretty much fruitless effort anyway.

back up plan i tell ya....back up plan!

Some may not have a problem being the back up plan.

I'll pass.

JAG it seems like you are looking for some kind of universal answer when that is just not possible. The way you feel about it is bound to differ from someone else's take on the situation regardless of how you argue your point.

The fact is it's not "cheating" if you are not in a committed relationship. It's no different than being single here and flirting with many so don't take it PERSONALLY if someone does this to you. Just find solace in the fact that this person's moral compass points in a different direction than yours,and there is nothing wrong with that! (as long as everyone is UP FRONT about it)

The most important thing for you to do is to let them know how you feel about the subject BEFORE it becomes an issue.

So, are you psychic and you know already this person? Whats the point of dating? Why dont ya just go strait to marriage if you know theyre truly deserving of you? This other persons going to have to grasp the concept that my time is also divided between my child, my work, and whatever other activites I partake in as well.

I suppose Im not supposed to have female friends either coss.. what? they might be gay? a bad influence? The decision is up to us if we like eachother, then everyone wins.

Unless Im bringing others, you have my attention. I can get to know anyone by talking just like with any relationship. I dont have a problem juggling FRIENDS, you have a friend you have a friend.. and at this point.. thats how someone stays.. yeah, until we know eachother. I dont kiss them, i dont get intimate.. just two people, getting to know eachother, and having a good time. No big huge expectations of a relationship.. no nervousness about sex.. lunch, dinner, outing, coffee.

What am I finding out? alot. If Im comparing you.. thats none of your business. I know there are people out there who posess the qualities I would like to find in someone.. yeah.. so.. if I DO choose to compare someone.. which I dont.. whoever I choose, or I have a true mutual connection with will be the one I stick with reguardless.

I could compare two people who Im not dating, maybe with someone from my past.. Its not about the other person.. its about ME and what I like, and think is best.. and for them, its also themselves,
theres a million other people out there I could compare someone to.. should someone have to be on theyre toes? yeah.. I am.. Im aware theres other people in the world..

Why split the time? Why should I tell someone nice no? Because some guy I dont even know also may be interested in me? Id prefer not to miss an opportunity, good men dont always stay single for long.. hes supposed to WAIT for me to date some guy I dont know? lol.. no way.

Just because people are in my presence, doesnt mean theyre going to get any part of me more than anyone else.

Im confident if I am right for someone... itll happen.. if not.. plenty of fish in the sea.

Im not going to waste my time extending myself to every man I meet, and have interest in. Yeah, I totally stand by it being selfish to have expectations from the start.. You cant even get to know someone without having them give you something?

Im also about paying half on a date if need be, even if I do believe in traditional roles.

And, Im not as presumptuous as to believe that some men are just selfishly trying to date you.. Ive seen men with all kindsa scary people.. It doesnt boost my ego to know many men i encounter find me interesting.

Yeah, Im not sitting by the phone, and Im expecting noone else to for me. People should be able to have companionship, and go out.. not sit around waiting for YOU just because your insecure.

If its meant to be itll happen.. theres alot of nice people out there, and if you arent available.. someone else will be, and maybe someone who they choose is relationship material before you ever get a chance. Besides that..

Sometimes.. its just nice to enjoy someones company.. just DO things without all the restrictions, and expectations of a relationship, no matter how good the person is.

Well if someones needy, yeah that works I guess,.. temporarily, but Im comfortable alone too.

I am just gonna venture a guess here....

You have been in a relationship, maybe more than one, with someone who was very controlling.

I guess this because you are reading things into my responses that simply aren't there.

I am not referring to who anyone can be friends with. I am ONLY referring to the fact that I think, for a person in a dating situation to get a fair shake, that the two people involved should concentrate on each other until it's determined that there is no relationship potential.

I am not referring to one or two dates. I am referring to more than that. 5....10....whatever.

At what point does a relationship start? When she wants it? When I want it? When we have sex? When we talk about it?

If I like girl1, I'll call her. But, if she doesn't want to spend time with me I'm not going to sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to call girl2.

I feel relationships have a natural ark. If we're having fun we will spend more time together. When one of us gets boared we'll move on. This goes on until we find someone that doesn't bore us and we live happily ever after.

If you've passed the one or two "get to know ya" date mark and are into multiple/weeks of dating, I think it becomes even more reasonable to give that person your undivided attention unless the two of you agree to a "this is never going anywhere serious and we should not pretend it is...call me if you want to get coffee or something..." relationship.If you are sleeping together that also puts it into a more exclusive catagory, IMO. At least for that time during which you are trying to figure out if there is really something there worth hanging on to.

Again, other people may have different personal rules...

Bottom line is that no...it's not unreasonable. I think that was the original question.

imho... if this is right for you, knowing it is good. You need to understand tho, if you don't talk about it and expect the other person to be the same -- you could be setting yourself up to be hurt... you should be true to yourself, but don't expect to control how someone else thinks/feels/acts... 'casual dating' I think is an important part of figuring out who you like, are compatible with. Some people are not ready to 'settle down', some people want casual sex, some people want marriage, some people want something inbetween. Some people want to go out and have fun, and not have a 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' or 'significant other'... finding out what the other person thinks is important. After 1 datek no? After a specific number of dates? No. If you have not discussed exclusivity - then No. If you have discussed it, and she says "no" move on...

Maybe ask yourself why you need 'exclusivity'? You should love yourself more than to have to feel you need to control the other person in order for you to be happy....

I see it a bit differently. Maybe since I've never been one to want to date more than one person at a time. I'm not into dating several people at once. I don't understand how others do it unless they're ONLY looking for fun and not looking to really get to know those they are dating. And I definitely don't want to be dating someone who is sleeping with other people.

But of course, to each their own.

If girl number 1 doesn't want to spend time with you and you move directly onto girl number 2, girl number 1 didn't mean a whole lot to you in the first place, did she? If you get bored easily and are just looking to have fun, go for it. It just isn't for everyone.

taken out of context... not talking about casual sex, just casual dating... my point was that if he expects exclusivity - and the other person is not wanting to recipricate, he is setting himself up for a hurt. He should talk about it with his partner, not try to control their actions... if she says no, she's not right for him.

Personally, I don't do casual sex. I want a commited relationship before that happens -- but I talk about it with my partner (well, not like it happens every day)... before assuming anything... I guess it comes down to communication...

If you feel the need to have exclusivity - seek out others that feel the same...

Wow...

Yes, of course communication is important.

And what are you reading that isnt there? i never said anyting about 1 date only.. I too was refering to several. Controlling men? sure Ive met them.. they have never had a place in MY life... and if I encounter them.. NEXXXTTT!!!!