----->Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
>thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well ... You'll love this
>tale from a woman!!
>
>I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
>dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
>Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name
>had been in my high school class nearly 40 years ago. Could he be the
same
>guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
>
>Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
>balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old
>to have been my classmate.
>
>After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
High
>School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
>
>"When did you graduate?" I asked.
>
>He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask ?"
>
>"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
>
>He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat,
gray,
>decrepit son-of-a-***** asked, "What did you teach?"
>

One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up:

Fireman
Mechanic
Businessman
Salesman
Doctor
Lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically
quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
math problems and then took little Justin aside to ask
him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If electricity comes from electron s, does morality come from moron s?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days your
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A ****roach will live 9 days without its head before
it starves to death.
(Creepy)
(I’m still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour.
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the .... ?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like
a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life .... quality
over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmmmm .....)

Right-handed people live, on average, 9 years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about the pig??)

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Thats how u save the Airlines
Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And plus, you're single. Just let it go."

invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave, you're a vet."

laughing at someone when the hurt them self or if i see someome falldown..
I DO, feel bad but i can not keep my self from laughing.

and i do laught at my self, then i do the same things.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can
get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days,
80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Bec ause women
realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to
get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the
crap out of you.


2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less
firm they are.


3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to
change them.


4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're
not quite sure why.


5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth,
& they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't
believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are
always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take
soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the
first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when
they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last.


12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look
at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped.



Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as
well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda
guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

GREAT .... Go ahead and warn everybody .... now what
am I supposed to do with my "Tick Inspector"
license... hmmm?

happy B-day

what the hell, what attitude???

Im Billie Jo aka Hellgurl or gurl.. good to see ya all...

Hi!!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

GREAT!!!!

lol poor dog is right ......

Because I Am a Guy .............. Because I am a Women

.............. I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator..................................Just to see you move the
your ass out of in frount of the TV ...I will hide the the remote.

.............. when I lock my keys in the car I
will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your
suggestions that we call a road service until long
after hypothermia has set in.............I will call a cab and leave
your ass there...

.............. when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer. .............Call a Tow-truck and
charge it to your Credit Card

.............. when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in
bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't an issue. ...................When im sick rent a Hotel
room and ignore your issue.....

.............. I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism......................... ........No its not cumin, its CUM ING
AGAIN SO SOON??..... not tofu its "to the fool..U" feminine hygiene
product is a euphemism for abad week for YOU!!!

.............. when one of our appliances stops
working I will insist on taking it apart - despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together. ...............................NO S*IT!!!

.............. I don't think we're all that lost,
and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the
heck could HE know where we're going? ....................We should ask
a know it all Female...

.............. there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or
football, though I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't. ....................................Just trying to
act like im ENTERSETED....in what your thinking

.............. I do not want to visit your mother,
or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when
she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't
need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something
for my mom, too? ....................Did u remember to pick up something
for ME??!!

.............. I am capable of announcing, "one
more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every
single time I say it, even when it gets to the point
that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to
go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly
hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be
home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw
all my clothes into the front yard. What's the
connection? .......................PMS!!!!

.............. you don't have to ask me if I liked
the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't. ..........................................and if you are
did!!!

.............. yes, I have to turn up the radio
when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and
then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about
how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and
Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried
in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this fascinating. ......huh, What was this?
????

.............. I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was
fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt
or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now? ...........ONE more thing.........

.............. this is, after all, the new
millenium, I will share equally in the housework. You
do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the
dishes. I'll do the rest...................Good wash and wax my car
,,OOPS you missed a pile of dog sh*t,,( dont want to step in that as you
mow )

ARE YOU: IN LOVE, LUST OR MARRIED?
LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you
don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your
partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't
climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize
sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your
son's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners'
feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next
week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with
your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the
bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see
them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see
them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who
knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe
exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to
think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try
not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only
thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your
partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does
and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so
he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides
that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think
that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another
fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit
Spot, get down before he ****s on you."

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna Hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Beforeyou tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you
are blind
-- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate
. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter
. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutt ers, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."