If you live in Texas. They actually have a Chili
cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili
taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili.

being free of my EX .. makes me happy

A great sunset,makes me happy

My kids being happy makes me happy

and more than 4 beers makes me really really happy

laughing with friends makes me happy , but not as much as have'in
more than 4 beers with them friends ...lol

that is so my lil sis , and she is a red head ... happened to her..
her boss was not at work , so she went home early and her boss was in
bed with her O/M ... calls me and tells me she almost got
caught leaven work ealy ..... Im like what your O/M F**kin your boss and
your worried about getting caught???
I think she was in shock ( poor baby) . But she got P*SSED real fast
after that .....lmao
I never like the a** anyway ,shes way better off now...

BTW, did you know super glue and a set of balls not mix WELL ??

hmmmmmmmm..........lol

I lmao too ...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his
mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge
bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here
to wash
your upper body and feet."

20 seconds later he struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in
the
other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, s miles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

What Starts with F and ends with K




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER
WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU
LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT
HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP.

HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD.

THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS
SECRETARY.

HAVING MORE EGO THAN SENSE, HE THEN WALKED TO HER DESK, SMIRKED AND
ASKED HER, "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER
PARKED IN HERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, "NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I
SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES".

Dog's Diary entries:



8:00 am -- Dog food! My favorite thing!



9:30 am -- A car ride! My favorite thing!



9:40 am -- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!



10:30 am -- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!



12:00 pm -- Lunch! My favorite thing!



1:00 pm -- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!



3:00 pm -- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!



5:00 pm -- Milk bones! My favorite thing!



7:00 pm -- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!



8:00 pm -- Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!



11:00 pm -- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!





Cat's Diary entries:



Day 683 of my captivity:



My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream
of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the
floor.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.



I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released
- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.



The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe.......for now....

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and
hangs up.



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all,"


"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids."

Oct. 4th, Libra

Barbiesis,,, SO TRUE

The Washcloth

Ladies this has to be read, laughed . There is not a woman alive today
who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra
effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to
make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick
wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the
washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car
and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few
minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles
away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said,
"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't
respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.


After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom,
"Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the
cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it
had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and
in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.


Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase
a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.



Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if
she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!




I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Lmao .. works well for my son to ...

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th
birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
leaning off to the right, so some family members
grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed
pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the
family members again grabbed her and then tied a
pillowcase around her waist to
hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and
said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a

note to the nephew...




"They won't let me fart."




My Great-Grandma is 98, and just a sassy as ever..
I read this to her , She laughed and looked me in the eye and Said "
Oh' thats just great " I asked her "whats geart?"

She smiled and gose " It good to know im not the only one
that has to lean to fart, and you know, leaning RIGHT alway works so
much better !!!"

Have a great day !!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job
security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings,
they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural
Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of dversity...probably
has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is
chaos...then you probably haven't completely
understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame
yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm
clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee
break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other
companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

and my personal favorite:

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling
the right thing.

Geography of a woman.


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm
and
a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted
by
past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now
unpatrolled.


After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and
the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN





Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a ****.

7 kinds of sex.


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you
to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex,
which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex.