My ex broke up with me loads of times after throwing some tantrum or other about how I didn't understand her. The one that tends to stick in my mind is when she was telling me about how it was the traffic outside her house that disturbed her energy and drove her nuts. The traffic wasn't that noisy and I didn't really get it but some women are into that mystical energy stuff. Christ, I don't know. Some women are just bothered by the slightest little thing that a man that wasn't OCD or something wouldn't care about. Anyway, I suggested trying to ignore it or just go round to the back of the house but apparently it wasn't the noise that bothered her, so I was obviously an idiot that doesn't understand women.

I don't know if it's right to talk about people that just create drama for it's own sake. People generally create drama over things that they feel strongly about and it may seem like drama about nothing to those that don't see their point of view or share their values.

The problem is that all of your excuses for not posting more pics sound piss poor and as if you're trying to hide what you look like. You say that you're vain but that pictures of yourself look awful. But loads of good looking women take pictures of themselves that aren't particularly good and a guy can still tell if he would be interested from them.

I don't ask for pictures myself but what's happening is that guys will contact women that don't have much on their profiles just because they're trying to get a woman to talk to them. Many don't reply, so they don't just pick out a profile that's good enough for them, as you seem to think that they should. They haven't made up their minds if you're what they're looking for and they want to know more about you.

This seems related to the other topic about the date where there was no sexual chemistry. Dates where you restrain your sexuality rarely work out. They never have for me anyway.

I'm not sure what the original question was but I was taking it there to be about whether you should tone it down initially, so that their judgement won't be too clouded by lust. It's a sort of dilemma because the date could be a washout if you restrain yourself but you're not sure about each other yet.

Yeah but if you saw them in a pub toilet as well that would probably make a more interesting story.

Yes. It is interesting. When I was in America what I noticed was how small everybody's manhood was compared to mine. Even the black guys.

Yes. I suppose I would look skinny to an American.

Over here I'm considered to be quite portly though and most people look about a hundred, so I reckon I could probably get away with saying that I'm thirty.

Well, I don't live too far from the city centre and it makes sense to meet up in town for the first date, unless they just want to come here. I'm certainly prepared to meet them off the bus.

Right. So now you're saying that somebody might think that I'm sixty? This gets better and better. Do you think that my photos make me look fat?

How about if I say that it's not my real age. On my profile I mean. In the text description. I'll tell them that they have to guess how old I am. It could be a good way to get responses.

Nah, women lie about their ages all the time and nobody thinks that makes them compulsive liars.

You really trying to tell me you're thirty six?

I could just tell them that it was a joke. You know. Like when people say on their birthdays that they're twenty one again.

Now that you come to mention it though, it does occur to me that older women don't tend to have as good eyesight and they can complain about pictures being blurry that younger women think are fine. I've certainly never had a young woman telling me that she can't make out much from my pictures and I probably get more mail from younger women.

I've had women that had only seen my picture on the forums thinking that I'm much younger and I've considered lying about my age. Do you think that I should do that?

Sorry if my pictures are blurry but my sister that's a trained photographer took them and I'm no good at taking selfies.

Well, I'm saying that I'm not really prepared to travel to meet women and I want to date women in Edinburgh. I'm also saying that I'm not really interested in the elderly, in hopefully a tactful way. I'm saying that I want to meet somebody different, which perhaps implies that I'm available and not hung up on an ex, without it coming across as if I'm bitter. I'm trying to invite a confident woman that thinks that she can knock my socks off, which is what I want and doesn't make me sound desperate I think.

It's neither. It's just what's called not coming on too strong. It's the opposite of what you're suggesting. If I meet a woman that I find atractive I want to lure her in and not scare her off.

Where "courtesy" comes in I suppose is that you generally have to go at a woman's pace. Perhaps that is because I'm a gentleman. With one lady I even said just that and we were already in a sexual relationship. She came round to see me for a couple of hours and it's certainly polite to offer them a drink and sit down and have a nice chat with them before you start making sexual advances. I just kept chatting until she started worrying about the time and initiated sex herself. I knew that that was what she came for, so she wasn't just going to leave without it and I could take the atitude that, "I'm not the one that's in a hurry here to get it over with and leave and be somewhere else." A woman that's telling you that she has a window when she can fit you into her busy schedule thinks that she has the power but she doesn't if she has to stay longer than she said she would because you didn't make a move until she said that time was going to be up.

So, you're making your decision, based on stuff from the past and "intuition". A bit of convenient rationalisation and it doesn't feel right. You talked to your friends about it though and admitted that you were just worrying about what happened in the past.

You now know one more thing though that you want. It's a bloke that actually fancies you.

You don't really go for the looks crowd but you want to be treated like a woman and you're a feminist. What do you think that a bloke thinks when a feminist says that they want to be treated like a woman? Forget the feminist dig and just ask what a bloke thinks when a woman says that she wants to be treated as a woman. This is some confusing stuff here. It can mean loads of things and not just as a sexual being. It can just mean that you want to be treated as a person.

What if he saw you and thought, "Well, she's out of my league." He found you atractive but he's an ugly bugger that had to go on a site where someone might like him for his personality or mind. He thought that you wanted to connect mentally and not emotionally, whatever that means.

It's hard to connect emotionally with abused women that have trust issues. That's one thing that I do know. They put up defences.

Why do you think that he wasn't seeing you as a woman? Could it have been that he was just trying to show you that he's really interested in you as a person and it's not that he's just after sex?

Did you tell him that you were in an abusive relationship? If so, could it have been that he was going out of his way to show you that he's really a nice guy and a gentleman? Could he have been a bit nervous about how you would interpret his behaviour and didn't want you to think that he was trying to manipulate your emotions or rush you into a relationship?

Prior to the date did you have serious conversations or flirty ones? Did you set the tone for the date in such a way that you signaled that flirting or coming on to you could be inappropriate?

TL; DR Did you sabotage this date?

The guy blew it then. I had a date like that a while back. Had a really good chat but I didn't flirt with her and she wasn't my usual type physically, so no sexual chemistry and I didn't even try to kiss her when we said goodnight. She was giving me this jazz about how her coming back to my place with a bottle of wine in no shape or form meant that she was going to have sex with me and I was thinking, "Don't flatter yourself darling. You're not all that and maybe if you were acting like you fancy me I might think that I've got a live one here but you're not and I'm not that desperate for a shag just now."

You maybe didn't make him feel desirable as a man either. Well, I'm sure that you didn't and sexual chemistry usually has to be mutual. You were certainly scared about meeting him and not looking forward to it. I've never had a date work out with a woman that wasn't keen myself.

I don't think that she wants anything serious. It could be a sex game and not just a tease. She's turning him down when he asks for it and some women just want to be ravished. It's like with kissing. You don't ask. You either just do it or you don't.

Well, mine's just some shots of me wearing leather jeans and minimal text now, so I'm mainly relying on the photos for the first impression that I want them to get. So, assuming that loads of women fancy me I can still keep telling myself that while I'm getting responses and everything's right with the world.

As far as what I like to see in a profile goes, it's text that isn't generic, makes me think they're genuine and expresses their personality. I read a really good one this morning. It was quite unique and attention getting. Made me think that a date with her would be really interesting and that she would have plenty to say for herself. She replied and asked me if I wanted to SKYPE as well, so that was nice.

Yes. It's like with the "Does my bum look big?" syndrome though. They're still touchy about their flaws and they could be flaws that you take a while to really apreciate.

In my ex's case part of her being a strong woman was that she was loud and obnoxious. She didn't like to take crap from anybody and she was quite formidable. A dragon, in short. You can come to love, or at least accept, someone's flaws because they are a part of their personality. That's not always a good thing though and it could keep you in a toxic or love/ hate relationship.