Another day, more thoughts. I finished the first task. I'm ready to move on to the next task. But my body hurts and I want to go to the chiropractor today. And I really want to take a nap. And I'm still thinking about finishing up my shopping for Santamas. I need to call the doctor back...need more antibiotics. I still have bronchitis. I got a call for a job interview on Monday. I have to reschedule other things to do that. I helped my son revise his essay last night. He needs a thesaurus. He needs a hat too. Baby girl is so cute and sweet. At least all of the orders are outside ready to be picked up by the mailman. I don't know what's going on this weekend. I'm thinking that the trip away won't be happening because K didn't call me back. And I'm ok with that. Actually, I think I'm more than ok with that. I'm thinking that the call might come and I really don't want it to. I need to work on these projects. I got a call to work today, but I couldn't do it. The call didn't come until after 6 and I need to leave by 630 to get there in time. But maybe the interview will pan out and I'll get that. Maybe they scheduled me so late because they think they're going to like me. And then that would be a job through the end of the school year. That would rock. And I could move on with the other things I need to do. I hate this day to day stuff. I thrive on having the same gig every day. I could adjust to seventh grade, right? It can't be that different from eighth. But it is a long drive. That's ok though too. I just need to know that I can do it. And then I can work on getting everything moving and get my future more sure and stable. But right now, I think I want to eat and take a nap. I want to start reading the book again, but I know if I do that, I'll be too awake and won't be able to nap. I'm going to call the doctor, eat, take a nap, then read. That sounds like a good plan. I have to do inventory too, but that can wait for now. This is the plan. And still I wonder if I have ADD.

There's a first time for everything, I guess. I just wanted to tell you that I think about you a lot. I imagined our first real kiss. We'll be standing up, on a level playing field, but I'll set the pace and you'll learn quickly. It won't be awkward. And when it's time, you'll slam me up against whatever wall is behind me. It was a beautiful vision.

See, I'm still thinking about it! That's why I had to edit it!

So today I have the bright idea to go shopping. I wasted the entire morning on unnecessary errands. Those things could have waited. Oh well. I made the choice. Now I'm home and I need to find some energy to get moving and finish what I need to do.

And I was thinking last night about the men thing again. I really need to talk that out. My thoughts are all over the place. I'm hearing "shoulds" that I shouldn't be hearing. I should know to expect the unexpected...or not to expect anything and just let everything be. But then when it just is, I question it or try to fight against it. I have to stop fighting it. I have to just let things be. I hate guilt. I shouldn't feel guilt. Just because something is what it is, does that mean that it won't change? I think things can just change. But I don't want it to change, and that's what I'm fighting against. And I'm thinking that other things are just making me think things are changing. And I'm only one person. I can only control my side. Other choices made by other people may change things. But I think things started to change when...well, I think I started the shift. I think I had an emotional/spiritual shift and that triggered this other shift...I think my shift was felt and responded to. So perhaps I manifested this issue myself...unconsciously, of course. I feel things. I think things. Things clash and swirl and confuse me.

And I KNOW that this doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, and that's cool.

Thank you, Tanya. I think I very much needed to hear exactly that. I need a girly talk too. There is much out of whack right now.

I feel bad and I shouldn't.

And I've now finished my work for the night anyway. I have six more orders to ship out. I think that's it. Of course, I'm still waiting on three payments too. But I shipped 12 today, and I have 10 ready to go tomorrow. I have to finish those last six tomorrow and get them shipped Thursday. Then I can get back to reading my book and working on my final and working on my final project. Ahhhhhh! Am I really going to have enough time to finish it all? I don't have a choice. I must accomplish everything. I had no idea this bright idea of mine would take up three days of my time. But it's almost done and I will move on from there. I can't wait to get back to work on that book. The final looks pretty easy too. I may have to fake my way through the one question anyway if I don't have time to read another novel to answer it. Eeek. But Dr. T said I got an A on my midterm despite my attitude so that's good. I'm well positioned to get an A, as I should.

Alright, I think that's enough talking to myself for now. I know what I need to do. And now I'm going to unwind and get ready for bed.

Well, my child finally went to sleep so now I can get some work done. I'll come back to think again soon.

Yup, guilty of that too. I can advise others easily, but heed my own words? Ha!

You could do it in code. Or just babble and it doesn't need to make any sense to anyone else. That's what I do.

You must quiet yourself and listen.

I don't have the leisure of time unfortunately. Deadlines exist. I work well under pressure, but this is a lot of pressure from multiple directions. Many things must be done in a timely fashion. I will complete all of the required tasks. And I will stress in the meantime.

Breathe and feel it. Your higher purpose is waiting.

Well, spill it here. I needed a place to just think in writing instead of walking around my house talking to myself.

Never. The goal of life is to continually learn and grow. One must continue to think to continue to achieve, to move forward in this gig.

It's going too slowly, Emily. Or too quickly maybe. I have too much to do and not enough time or cooperation from my children. I'm trying not to get frustrated, but my brain keeps going and I'm thinking too much. And I get so tired from all of the thinking that I don't actually have the energy to do all of the doing that needs to happen too. How are you?

Because it's the way it's supposed to be. It is what it is.

Yes, I think too much.

I'm thinking about this book I'm reading and how I have to create some unit around it to teach, but I don't really have to teach it. I just have to think it out. It's a cool book though. There are just so many ways I might want to take it. There is a lot of meat in it. A lot of fodder for discussion.

And I'm thinking about the rest of the orders that I need to get out of here. And then I'm thinking about the men in my life too.

Yes, I think too much.

hey Em! I'm popping back out now. See ya!

Why not?

yup, that too.