A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Little girl to her father:- daddy, how did humans come?

Father replies:- God made Adam, then Eve and then all humans came

After a few days the girl goes to her mother with the same question

Little girl to her mother:- mummy, how did humans come?

Mother replies:- first god made monkey and then all humans came.

The girl gets confused and runs back to her father.

Girl to her father:- daddy the other day you said thatgod made adam, then even and then humans came but mummy is telling that god made monkeys and then humans came.

the guy replies:- baby, i was talking about my family and shes telling about hers. :)

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A hair on the head is worth two on the comb for you, my friend.
All that comes from cow is not milk.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker
Disappointments need to be cremated, not embalmed.
Don't die until you're dead.
Easy to criticize an egg, difficult to lay one.
Even a **** crows over his own dung heap.
Experience is the thing you get right after you need it.
Gamblers are like toilets - broke one day, flush the next.
He is like Indian three-wheeler which sucks lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
If fate gives you a lemon, make lemonade.
If the heavens throw you a date, open your mouth.
If you dine with the devil, use a long spoon.
It's not the early bird that gets the worm, it's the smart one.
It's better to prevent and prepare than to repent and repair.
Its very difficult to kill a man who is hell bent upon committing suicide!
The last time you celebrated your birthday, the candles cost more than the cake.
Optimist is the one who looks at cow dung and sees fertilizer.
That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it !!
The only thing you get in life without effort is dandruff.
The world is all about mind and matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.
There's free cheese in a mousetrap.
Troubles are like babies - the more you nurse them, the bigger they grow.
When everything is coming your way, you might just be in the wrong lane of traffic.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
If my auntie had been a man she would have been my uncle.
In London they drive on the left, in India we drive on what is left

Patient: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Doctor: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your ferrari by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Patient: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Doctor: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a goat eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Patient: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Doctor: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Patient: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

Doctor: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Patient: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Doctor: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Patient: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

Doctor: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Patient: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the stomach?

Doctor: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.

Patient: Is chocolate bad for me?

Doctor: you are really crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Patient: Is swimming good for figure?

Doctor: If swimming is good for figure, explain whales to me.

Patient: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

Doctor: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, that’s enough - hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

... And remember dear:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

u may be right too,!! :)

me too a single yet..so its funny/humorous for me

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Whats the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?



Answer-The Ones in the Casino's are serious!...

Galileo used to study in small lamp.
Graham Bell used to study in candle light.
Shakespeare used to study in street light.


Well, I don’t understand I thing…
what they did in daytime????!!!!!!

Galileo used to study in small lamp.
Graham Bell used to study in candle light.
Shakespeare used to study in street light.


Well, I don’t understand I thing…
what thy did in daytime????!!!!!!

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'
'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.
'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.
At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.

its a joke..aint a truth

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

men sitting in a bar...

1 man said to the other: I've hell lot of family problems.

2 man said: I'll tell you mine... I married a widow having a daughter - my father married my daughter - so my father's my son-in-law - my daughter's my mother & my wife's my grandmother. More problems occured when I had a son... my son's my mother's brother & my uncle. Situation turned worse when my father had a son... my father's son is my brother & my grandson. Ultimately I'm my own grandfather & grandson.... And you say you have family problems!