morning frannie

1. You have to take out the garbage.

2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3. No sofas in your rest rooms.

4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.

6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.

7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.

8. You have to wear ties.

9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10. "Women and children first"

38,562 men were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

The first blond guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns him into a brown haired man, and he swam across.

The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

The third blonde guy prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first. It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up. It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee. It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."

"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table. It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time....,

"I haven't made the '$#@&^%' Porridge, yet!!"

Note: Real men will answer "C" to ALL of these questions. Knowing this, women will come a long way in understanding men and will enrich their own lives if they carefully consider the "C" answers.

Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
Present it to the President of the United States.
Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
Take it apart.
As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
Innocence.
Idealism.
Cherry bombs.
When is it okay to kiss another male?
When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
Tell her what?
One weekday morning, your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "What do they like to eat for breakfast?"
B. "What time do they need to be at school?"
C. "There are three of them?"

Women's version:



Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.



Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis:

(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis.....

(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Two groups, one composed of women and the second of men, were once set up to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender - like ships which are addressed as 'she ' and 'he'- or the masculine gender. They were asked four reasons for their recommendations.

The men reported that computers be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal login.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women, on the other hand concluded that the computers be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

kisskiss darling
still have the fever

haha be careful what u wish for

John (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.

His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"

John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "When they cut off your **** and dug out a vagina?"

John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."

Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"

John says, "When the doctor drilled a ****ing hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

errmm...think im ready for more then just a number

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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