Tangled, dense, heavy is my heart.
Once more, by choice, I almost slid down this hill, knowing that a monster waited at the bottom.

Pain raises its hand against me, encompassing my mind and hindering my peace.

I cry out to God, but my heart is not there. Another want has taken his rightful place.

How do I, knowing what I know, continue to do what I do? What mis-leads my mind into believing that this time could be different?

I make these decisions. I accept that fully.

God forgive me for my foolishness. I am crying out, once again, for your acceptance.

Untidy heart, I lay no claim to you. I rebuke you and reclaim my heart of joy.

My child, my soul, my heart, my hurt...
Where were you when I needed you?
Always a father I sought,
rejection was what I found.

Non-verbal, non-committal, unresponsive, unfeeling.
Where were my lessons?
Where was my knights training?

Young man sent crashing into the world.
Hell-bent on getting by,
Heart rent but never cried.
At some point my father died.

Love me I begged, when I saw my friend's Dad's,
resenting them deeply, never realizing how sad.

At thirty I became what I never had.
No experience had I at being a Dad.
Praise God, my King, for rescuing me,
and making me the father I never did see.

My son, my child, my heart, never hurt.
for you to know God is my life's work.
The man Im to be is because of you.
Seeking God in my life, one of the manly few.

Dis-jointed and random are my thoughts.
The thoughts of a man in the brain of a child, in the mind of a teen.
Never bad for long because my spirit is filled.

Forgiven daily, my job also is to forgive, to learn to trust, to teach to forgive.
To live, to give, my heart is Christ's bedroom but my mind is a wordly sieve.

Clearly I think jumbled thoughts.
All my ducks are in a row except for one that cannot swim.
It sinks instead.

Dead.

And up jumps God's Holy Ghost to ressurect it and again my mind is mine.

Forgive me King for not forgiving.
Forgive me 7 x 70 for not thinking heavenly.
My hero, the man I sought as a child was always there.
Why did I fear?
He held me dear,
eyes filled with tears.

Pain=Love=hurt=distrust=seeking=found out the light is always on, never off.
God's bill is always paid.
His right is so bright, no candle can compare.
Eyes burn, my heart yearns but close my lids I will not do.

Death awaits, how great! Kill me, there is no rock bottom when you are always saved!
Be brave, Satan is deprived because of what Christ gave.

Passionate love you fit my soul like a glove, you dove with an olive branch in its mouth.

Growth spring forth fresh leaves stemming from my stem. Im no longer grim.
God takes way my sin.

Learn to forgive...thats the first step to live.

Spring from the ground, spreading your arms so God can fly out of you and lift up others.
Be his soaring hawk, never balk, for you are chose to be his sharp weapon, his clever tool.
Used to open doors, tear down walls, slice open minds.
God is kind but oh so frightful in his wrath.
Follow his path. Learn to love.

He is Jehovah, Emmanuel, Yahweh, The Beginning and the End...Your friend.

How mighty are you to have the love of someone like him?

Who's Heart?
Who's heart is it that beats inside?
Is it man or youth or boy?

Who's heart is it that beats inside?
Who stole from him his joy?

Who's heart is it that wants to hide?
Who made him feel such blame?

Who's heart is it that wants to hide?
Who hated him for his name?

Who's heart is it that wants to share?
But fears he'll just let down?

Who's heart is it that wants to share?
But fears he'll see just frowns?

Who's heart is it that reaches out?
Begging for a guide?

Who's heart is it that reaches out?
For a changing of the tide?

It's my heart that beats inside.
The heart of God's made man.

It's my heart that beats inside.
Beloved of the Great I Am.

It's my heart that wanted to hide.
But God dares my light to shine.

It's my heart that wanted to hide.
But my light comes from the devine.

It's my heart that wants to share.
My soul yearns to proclaim.

It's my heart that wants to share.
I want to shout God's name.

It's my heart that reaches out.
And finds all my needs are met.

It's my heart that reaches out.
To a God who's eyes are wet.

Who's heart is it that beats inside?
Is it man or youth or boy?

Who's heart is it that beats inside?
Who stole from him his joy?

Who's heart is it that wants to hide?
Who made him feel such blame?

Who's heart is it that wants to hide?
Who hated him for his name?

Who's heart is it that wants to share?
But fears he'll just let down?

Who's heart is it that wants to share?
But fears he'll see just frowns?

Who's heart is it that reaches out?
Begging for a guide?

Who's heart is it that reaches out?
For a changing of the tide?

It's my heart that beats inside.
The heart of God's made man.

It's my heart that beats inside.
Beloved of the Great I Am.

It's my heart that wanted to hide.
But God dares my light to shine.

It's my heart that wanted to hide.
But my light comes from the devine.

It's my heart that wants to share.
My soul yearns to proclaim.

It's my heart that wants to share.
I want to shout God's name.

It's my heart that reaches out.
And finds all my needs are met.

It's my heart that reaches out.
To a God who's eyes are wet.

Thank you

Thank you.

My girlfriend and I were having a mini praise and worship session the other night and Im not nearly as openly expressive as she is... so I started writing.

And a few things came out.

Im a photographer by trade, Love to read but have never really thought of writing, so I really do appreciate the compliments.

Father

My child, my soul, my heart, my hurt...
Where were you when I needed you?
Always a father I sought,
rejection was what I found.

Non-verbal, non-committal, unresponsive, unfeeling.
Where were my lessons?
Where was my knights training?

Young man sent crashing into the world.
Hell-bent on getting by,
Heart rent but never cried.
At some point my father died.

Love me I begged, when I saw my friend's Dad's,
resenting them deeply, never realizing how sad.

At thirty I became what I never had.
No experience had I at being a Dad.
Praise God, my King, for rescuing me,
and making me the father I never did see.

My son, my child, my heart, never hurt.
for you to know God is my life's work.
The man Im to be is because of you.
Seeking God in my life, one of the manly few.

Dis-jointed and random are my thoughts.
The thoughts of a man in the brain of a child, in the mind of a teen.
Never bad for long because my spirit is filled.

Forgiven daily, my job also is to forgive, to learn to trust, to teach to forgive.
To live, to give, my heart is Christ's bedroom but my mind is a wordly sieve.

Clearly I think jumbled thoughts.
All my ducks are in a row except for one that cannot swim.
It sinks instead.

Dead.

And up jumps God's Holy Ghost to ressurect it and again my mind is mine.

Forgive me King for not forgiving.
Forgive me 7 x 70 for not thinking heavenly.
My hero, the man I sought as a child was always there.
Why did I fear?
He held me dear,
eyes filled with tears.

Pain=Love=hurt=distrust=seeking=found out the light is always on, never off.
God's bill is always paid.
His right is so bright, no candle can compare.
Eyes burn, my heart yearns but close my lids I will not do.

Death awaits, how great! Kill me, there is no rock bottom when you are always saved!
Be brave, Satan is deprived because of what Christ gave.

Passionate love you fit my soul like a glove, you dove with an olive branch in its mouth.

Growth spring forth fresh leaves stemming from my stem. Im no longer grim.
God takes way my sin.

Learn to forgive...thats the first step to live.

Spring from the ground, spreading your arms so God can fly out of you and lift up others.
Be his soaring hawk, never balk, for you are chosen to be his sharp weapon, his clever tool.
Used to open doors, tear down walls, slice open minds.
God is kind,
but oh so frightful in his wrath.
Follow his path.

Learn to love.

He is Jehovah, Emmanuel, Yahweh, The Beginning and the End...Your friend.

How mighty are you to have the love of someone like him?

<-- Dallas

No women lol. Yep thats why were here!

Yes, shes always a very good mom. Shes just extremely inconsistent . Yells too much and doesn't follow through on threats.

Her boys are 12 and 13 and are starting to assert their own opinions and personalities.

She can be very self-centered and really quashes their efforts. It causes lots of strife.

She and I talked about it last week and I told her I thought it was neat how they were trying so hard to be men. She looked at it as rebellion.

Ill try to give an example:

Both boys beg her to take them to a specific park. She says no, for no reason, and takes them to a different one. There was absolutely no reason for her to do that except for control.

the boys got upset and asked her why she never considered what they wanted to do.

Her answer was "because I want too".

That, to me, was a perfect time to let them in on a decision and show them I respected them.

When in her depressed state she does one of two things:

She either draws them very close to her, they are her comfort blanket, and shoves everyone else away, or she sends them off to her mothers and parties non-stop for a week.

I cant be around her either of those times, she wont have it.

During the partying episodes she will show up at my door at 2 am pretty consistently crying.

Oh speaking of my son:

In his words:

"Daddy, maybe there are two Jens and we just don't know which one is with us today".

Hes 8. She has never treated him poorly. Shes a very good mom and he has never seen us fight, he just sees me being glum

Looks... I have to be attracted to start anything

Chemistry ... a combination of personality and interest

heart ... after all of that there has to be a real person there that is not afraid of being vulnerable and trusting.

Oi, You guys are going to think Im nuts...

Shortly after my divorce I met a woman that totally blew my mind.

She was beautiful, funny, outgoing, spiritual and intelligent! We dated for about 3 months and suddenly everything changed. She went from being my perfect woman to the most judgemental and critical person I'd ever met.

she was fired from 2 jobs in that time, evicted from her duplex because of complaints from her neighbors, and I finally left because her own friends were telling me she was saying horrible things about me.

Fast forward to December 26th of last year. Im sitting on my couch when she calls me out of the blue. We haven't talked in 6 months. We get together that night and it is like nothing has ever happened. BAM, the chemistry is incredible!

Her kids and my son love each other and we can't help but have a good time together. And were together ALL the time.

Then, just as suddenly as before, her behavior goes down the toilet again. She has always called me 8 or 9 times daily, but now every call is about something negative. So and so at work hates me because of how I look. My boss treats me poorly, its always been like this, women are jealous of me. Do you know how lucky you are? I could have anyone i wanted.

We go through a period of several months where we break up and get together repeatedly. Her personality cycles between I love you and I hate you on a monthly basis.

I go meet her family and its the best 3 days of my life. They tell me they have never once met anyone she has dated and they are amazed to see me there. She is also very happy.

The next day she doesnt want to see me anymore. Says shes not ready to date and needs to be alone.

At one point during a break up I asked if I could come get some stuff I had left at her house. She said come over. Within moments of being there the cops arrive to tell me she has called them and said I was harassing her.

I stay away from her, but a month later she shows up on my doorstep crying. she misses me and loves me etc.

So, I realize Im looking pretty dumb here already. It gets worse.

3 weeks ago Im in our local bar when she walks in. Someone asks her if shes single and she announces to everyone there, "Yes Im single but that man is supposed to be my husband."

This hits me hard because Half the time she is the best woman Ive ever met.

She calls the next day and we get back together. We discuss marriage and therapy. Im trying to get her to see someone but she insists its me causing the problems. She finally agrees to see one.

Tuesday she calls. Monday night I was at her place and cooked dinner, everything was fine. But Tuesday she tells me that she cant commit to me, she wants to see other men. I tell her I wont share. She tells me Im selfish, that she has never loved me, that she has always known it wont work.

She gets mad when I bring up our recent marriage conversations and says that they never happened, that Im a liar for even saying that.

Wednesday she calls to apologize for being mean, then hangs up. I haven't heard from her since.

So I go see the therapist myself and outline the situation.

Its his opinion that she is Bipolar and may even suffer from a split personality. The not remembering topics of conversation being the key there.

So here I am.... I have loved this women but its only hurt me and my son. I've pushed some very nice ladies away because of her and hurt some feelings and I regret that. Theres not a damn thing I can do about her and Im positive that in a week or so she'll be back banging on my door, as soon as her cycle has come back around.

I dont need advice, I am objective enough to see that I let this continue far too long, but I know nothing of being bipolar...

How stable can someone become with the proper treatment?