Oops....I meant to type 512-444-4444 as the phone number

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don`t have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

good one....lmao

Along with Hot Bubble Bath with Candles

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Haagen-Dazs ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
3 More Snickers Bars
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

I'm Sincerely Happy For You!!! That's awesome!!!
I can completely relate to how happy you must be.
Happy Happy Joy Joy


I searched for my best friend from highschool for about 4 years and found her in 2004. It was awesome seeing eachother for the first time in person after 20 years.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came to an order which said, "45 pints of milk."

Puzzled, the milkman decided to ask the person weather or not he/she had made a mistake. When he knocked on the door, a woman came out with just a bath towel around her.

The milkman asked her if she had made a mistake but sure enough she wanted 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explained the woman.

"Oh, okay," said the milkman. "Do you want it pasturised then?"

"No," said the woman. "Up to my boobs will be fine."

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

Good One.....lol

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you started doing this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

8) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

9) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

10) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

11) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young man's words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward -- and then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband at the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed oil over him and dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to", she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one. I liked it, so got one for us too."

No more was said and after a while they went to their bed and slept.

At two in the morning, the husband went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and some milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for two days and nobody even offered me water."

My wife just isn't interested in sex

"Doctor, you've got to help me! My wife just isn't interested in Sex, anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me upset like this? I am desperate! I can't think, I can't concentrate, my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're very powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand? Just one."

"I don't Know, doctor, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um, okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the Kitchen to bring dessert.

The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need...a man"

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."