The rain was pouring down and there was a gigantic puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod, hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
I'm Fishing, of course, the old man said simply.
Poor old fool, the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man into the Pub for a drink and to get him dry.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught today?
You're the third,' the old man answered.

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs. That's about average up our way, folks, like I said my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy. Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, Hey you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ...so how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled and concerned. What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born. The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, I Had him circumcised.

A man ordered for a voice automated robot
car that does anything he tells it to do
correctly without any error. He got the car
and started sending it on errands. He
became so proud of what the car can do
without mistakes.
One day, he wasn't able to go out, his wife
told him to tell the car to go and pick the
children from school because she was so
tired.
...The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go
and bring my children from school. The car
went and didn't return in time as expected,
they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man
became apprehensive. He dressed up and
got ready to lodge a report at the police
station. As he and his wife stepped outside
they saw the car coming with an overload of
children.
The car parked right in front of them and
said; "These are your children, sir". In the car
was their Landlady's two daughters, their
choir mistress two sons, his wife's best
friend's daughter, their pastor's son and
their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don't tell me all these ones
are your children?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you tell me
why your children are not in the car?

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, like Molly, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*** are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

The New 2018 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning.

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Pope Francis was stopped by a woman in the Pheonix Park over the weekend and she begged him to help with her 19-year-old son's hearing. He looked at the young man and walked towards him. He placed both hands over his ears, closed his eyes and said a beautiful prayer. The pope took his hands off the lad's ears and smiled "how's your hearing now my son? "
The lad replied " I haven't a fu--ing clue, I'm not in court til Wednesday"

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a top of the range catchers glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "£350"
Man - Highway robbery, but take it as Sold.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "£500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

A man calls home to his wife and says,
Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend.
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is USA a great country or what?)

Well,.... Not as great as Guam!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our Government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ***.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be
In Guam !!!!!!

An elderly couple was at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. Pardon me sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.
What's your name?
Morris Feinberg, he replied.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?
For about 60 years.
60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.
And finally I pray that everyone will be happy.
How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
Like I'm talking to a f.....king brick wall!

BEST CATCH OF THE DAY
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was sitting on a box there with a rod, hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
Fishing, the old man said simply.
Poor old fool, the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man for a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
You're the third, the old man answered.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...
My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f***ing mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f***ing pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
Because he's thinking of getting married.

This made me giggle!!!
Subject:
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPE TOO!!!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance, says the husband, it's 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that? asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.
Did you help him? she asks.
No, I did not, do I look that stupid? It's 3 in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!
Well, you have a short memory, says his wife.
Can't you remember about three years ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him; and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.
The man does as he is told rather then get in the wifes bad books, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there?
Yes, comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you? asks the husband.
Over here on the swing, replied the drunk.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's
an ad for Bear Removers.
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do, the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof
with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull
is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van.
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!



What a coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!

What a coincidence the farmer says. This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating

What a coincidence, this is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating! says the woman.

What a coincidence! says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, What are you celebrating?

My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!

What a coincidence, says the man. I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.

That's great! says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
I used a different cock, he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Any chance you can get to the Carlton Arms pub around one-ish. Cambridge UK. Always a man of my word

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Wow, I wonder what happened to this parrot'.

The parrot says, I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

Holy crap, the guy replies.
You actually understood and answered me.

I got every word, says the parrot.
I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird

Oh yeah? the guy says.
Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?

Well, the parrot says, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

Wow, says the guy.
You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?

Of course, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic - politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.
Sorry, but I just can't afford that.

Pssssssst, says the parrot, I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.

What are you talking about? asks the guy.

When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
THEN what happened?'

Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over, reported the parrot.

NO! he exclaims and she let him do that?

Yes replied the parrot
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO, I got an erection, and fell off the perch.!'

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
Sixty is the worst age to be, said the 60-year-old, You always feel like you have to pee.. And most of the time nothing happens.
Ah, that's nothing, said the 70-year-old. When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.
Actually, said the 80-year-old, Eighty is the worst age of all.
Do you have trouble peeing too? asked the 60-year-old.
No, I pee every morning at 6..00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all.
Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?
No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at
6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
I don't wake up until seven.

Professor Higgins was at the University of Sydney and on this particular morning was giving a longish lecture on Involuntary Muscle Contraction to his first year medical students.

Realizing that his class of students were looking some what bored and he was not talking about the most riveting of subjects, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly by asking the class questions on the subject.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, madam have you any idea what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

Without a second thought she replied, More then likely playing golf with his mates.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open, "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher ignored her again and continued, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." She then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."