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Topic:
What should I do?
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sorry, im back.....sorry for all the craziness the last few days on here....im takin a vacation, a long drive, not sure where....hopin i can find myself again....
i wish you all the best..... |
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havent u ever been in love...made a huge mistake and wanted nothign more than to right ur wrongs?
come on now...i dont feel i am a bad man, i feel i tried very hard to make this all work out....and im still willing to try, but i see im getting blasted by everyone.... so maybe i am the ass... |
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Ooooooo Ooooooooo. I was a little slow on the uptake. This is a post only if you agree thread. Got it. no, i wanted to hear peoples opinions....just when poeple posted theres....it was not true of what i posted....as an example.. someone posted i was wrong for just puttin her out(which i agree), that i should have talked to her and made an effort before hand....so i know they didnt read what was posted..because specifically, i did say i did that.... |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? Its the role you took on KNOWING she had children... So yea, you should of.. and if it put a financial strain on your household, instead of freaking out and kicking her AND her children that you claim you love so much out of the house, you should have sat down like an adult and talked over the possibilities.. A PT job, filing for child support.. maam, i appreciate ur concern, but in my original post...i said that is exactly what i did....we did talk....she ageed on gettin a pt job....which never tanspired...i even downlaoded and printed child support enforement papaers for her...a month after giving them to her, i asked her if she mailed them off yet, and she said no..she hadnt even fginished fillin them out.... |
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i do need to do that....i cant force anything now...and i need to work on what i can do to be a better husband and a better father....and if ive lost her....then maybe she will be happier....
and ill go on, and try not to make the same mistakes again....learning from lifes ups and downs are hard...but will help me grow as a man |
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I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. If you've done all that, then quite frankly, there's not much else to be done at this point. She will come to her own conclusions and you'll have to just wait for that to happen. In my opinion, for what it's worth, individual counseling wouldn't hurt. I'm not saying you NEED it but it's almost always beneficial. You may learn a lot about yourself and it will also give you great tools to better manage stress, etc. And, if your wife does agree to try again, I'd consider joint couseling BEFORE she moves back, to establish some ground rules, so to speak, and to begin to establish better communication skills. i even told her when we last spoke i would do that too....i would go to see a counselor with her a few times or however many times we needed b4 she made a decision to move back or not...so we could make an honest effort to see if we both wanted to save our marriage.... |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... you are so great, I just dont get what her problem is  no no...im not perfect...i know i could have handled this a whole better way...i let the stresses build up over time,, and thats my fault...and she is my wife...no way i should have ever asked her to leave OUR home....i know i screwed up....i want to make it work now realizing this..... |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... Ok, that's a great start. So, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask you a question. If she does decide to come back, do you have a concrete plan in place to avoid this situation in the future? Have you considered marriage counseling? If you don't have a plan, that you BOTH can live with, what are you going to do? Let's face it, the world we live in is incredibly stressful. And if it's not one thing, it's another. Your stress is not her responsiblity and she shouldn't take the punishment for it. So, in yet another circle, you have to decide. Can you live happily, peacefully, and non-resentfully with the situation EXACTLY as it was before she left? It's a tough question, one you will need to look deep within yourself to find an answer to. If you are uncertain, do both of you a favor and give both of you time to figure it out. Otherwise, in a month, or two or six, you're gonna be exactly where you are now. Yes, I have refined our budget that will allow me to support us fully without any help....i also have looked into getting marriage counseling... even agreed that is she wanted to come back, id sell the house and buy a new one closer to her family...bcause she always said she missed being closer to them, and i agreed.... i re did our budget, i looked into marriage counseling, as well as personal counseling to see if i have any issues....im really trying..... |
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Oh my GAWD!!! I read the OP and then re read it .. because I thought you were talkin about my ex.. LOL Almost identical situations.. only I have more kids.. My kids loved him, his loved me, he worked , made good money, I stayed at home.. Then one day ... he decided I needed to get a job.. forgetting the EXCELLENT POSITION I had given up because he wanted me to be able to stay home with my kids!!!! CONTROL FREAK FROM HELL.... You cant kick her to the curb, and then say OOPS Im sorry my bad, come back... Why on earth would she? I mean seriously think about it.. She didnt change in the relationship obviously you did and when you did suddenly she wasnt good enough anymore.. If she came back I guarentee you she would always walk around waiting for it to happen again.. and it WOULD happen again... You made your choice , now stick by it..Itll benefit everyone in the long run JMHO so u think...that when the situation changed, and her 2 teenage kids came to live with us....i was supposed to support them fully with no help huh? |
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Did you say any of those things or variations thereof? yes i did....i did ....and i made a mistake...i let the stress over run my better judgement....once stress settled, i realized i screwed up..... |
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Yes, well, if you've changed your mind, that's fine. You're right, people do it all the time. If you truly have, then let this go and move on. Thing is, she didn't change, you did. She doesn't have to live with it anymore than you do her. As for the control issue, all you have to do is look at one issue. You didn't like her behavior so you threw her and her kids out. Why? What normal person does this? There is only two motivations at work here, you either simply could not take it anymore (perhaps understandably) but then why would you want to invite it back? Or, you were punishing her, trying to make her see how "good" she had it so she'd come crawling back and agree to abide by your rulebook, which you have the only copy of and can change on her at your whim. You are not perfect. How do I know this? Because none of us is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes. The question is, what are you going to take from this? You can only answer that when you look within yourself. It's hard, perhaps painful, but if you truly want this (or any) relationship to work, it's necessary. You're either willing to do whatever it takes, including manning up and looking at yourself first instead of casting blame and shame, or you're not. It's that simple. you are right! I do have to look at myself...and after a few weeks, i did...and i saw that i had let myself get too over stressed, and i realized that i couldnt expect her to go out and get a job right away and help me out right away...thats when i started trying to apologize...and let her know i still loved her and made a huge mistake... i love her...and i dont want her crawling back...i want her to come back knowing i realized i made a mistake...i let the stress get the better of me.... |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage. Been there, done that, got help & learned. where in the hell are u guys gettin this stuff from? in no way shape or form can you get that out of what i wrote..come on now.....im controlling? i accpeted her at first then changed my mind...well people change there mind when circumstances change people.... read your own response, accepted her at first then changed your mind... she remained the same you wanted her to change (controlling/demanding) issues people do change on their own, they age, they acknowledge they learn, others are told to change, when to change, how to change, and to change quickly. follow? yes i follow...but situations changed....her 2 teenage kids moved in....there father didnt send any child support...she didnt have a job....see why now i asked her to get a PT job? and she agreed she needed to..and she said she wanted to enroll in school so she could one day get a better job,.,, did u read all that? |
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To me, sounds like the guy has a MAJOR control issue. Seems he likes to say who, what, when, where, how. Didn't want her doing anythingtill he took on even more & now wants to change the rules to suit him. He liked her when she wasn't working, did he discuss the change or just decide it is what he wants. Carrying a big SCORE card, does NOT work in marriage. Been there, done that, got help & learned. where in the hell are u guys gettin this stuff from? in no way shape or form can you get that out of what i wrote..come on now.....im controlling? i accpeted her at first then changed my mind...well people change there mind when circumstances change people.... |
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maybe i do...guess ill just go and find somehting else to tlak about and try and get this off my mind.....thanks everyone
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ur right lilith.....ill just wait..and if she loves me...she will come back....i already had talk with her a few dyas ago...and i guess ur right....
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Good morning! Maybe I was a little harsh yesterday, but with the information the way you presented it then, well, let's just say you came off badly. Today is another day, a new perspective and hopefully a step forward for everyone. So, my 2 cents, and it kind of goes back to the same theme as yesterday. Your wife is who she is, you cannot change her, fix her, save her, etc. The only person who can do that is HER and she'll only do that if she thinks it's necessary. From what you've said above, I see a couple of possible scenarios. (A) she's using the hell out of you to have the life she wants on her terms instead of creating it for herself. And, she's telling you exactly what you want to hear in order to have it continue. Or (B) she really does want to make changes in her life and is paralyzed by fear, self-doubt and/or quite simply not knowing how to take the first step (or all of the above). The solutions are not pretty, because they lead to pretty much the same thing. YOU cannot fix her or save her from herself. The only person who can is HER and SHE needs to take the first steps on her own. You can, of course, support her, encourage her etc but you can't do it for her. You can't even push her as that will only lead to more situations like the one you are in now and lots of resentment on both parts. So, in other words, in my opinion, you BOTH need a little time and space away from this. Her, to figure out herself, and you, to figure out the best you can what it is that's going on in her head, and then figure out whether or not you can live with it, peacefully, non-resentfully, and happily for the rest of your lives. If not, it may be time to call it a day. It's sad for her kids and I know you care but to keep them in such a relationship is not good for them either. Yea, see, i was supporting her....but started to become pushy bcause we as a family needed her to do some things...not because i couldnt afford to take care of us all, but because she was creating so many more bills that i started to not be able to afford.... |
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Perseverate. perseverate 1 : to repeat or recur persistently 2 : to go back over previously covered ground (Merriam Webster) well lilith....if you where her...what would u want me to do? or if you where me...what would u do? |
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You are perseverating. Relax. what do u mean? |
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but thing is....i honestly dont know whether to keep giving her space..or go so she can look me in the face and see my sincerity....and maybe she will come to me....i dont know....im willing to do whatever it takes...
somethign in my gut keeps tellin me to go to her...and tell her face to face how sorry i am...and how much i love her.... |
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Its me again this morning. To answer a few questions from last night, which totally got out of hand because of my own emotions running rampid.
No, there was never any physical or mental abuse. Because I have a business spirit, I did create a possible online bizz for her to work from home if she wanted, but she never did anything with it. I did come home everyday after work and spent the time with the family...either playin with kids, or watchin a movie with the family, or going out with family. I would wait till everyone was asleep and go back downstairs to catch up on work. She was a very good woman, very loving and caring just had never made her career or education a priority in life and yes, i knew that when I married her. And yes, it did not matter to me then. When we married it was me and her and my 2 year old and I made enough money to support and make us very comfortable. 3 Months into marriage her 2 Tennage kids wanrted to come live with us, and I encouraged it. I could see she missed her children greatly, and I wanted to see them all happy. At that time, I did not know how expensive Teenagers where...and didnt have a clue her Ex Husband wouldnt send any child support for his children. After about 6 months, I started feeling the strain financially. I asked her to get a PT job, and possibly enroll in school to further her education. This was a very loving one on one conversation. She agreed, saying that she always wanted to do this. So i told her I would support and help her any way I could. As far as her agreeing on wanting to do those things and actually doing them....lets just say, she never really got anything going as far as job or school. So it became a issue, it started off me asking or reminding her during day she should becallin or enroling, or filling out papaerowrk. Which all seemed to never get done. Then, her daughter went to visit her dad in GA. While she was gone she ran the cell phone up to $1,100 in 2 months. Which made thigns alot harder. Calmly, i asked my wife what had happened? and could she help me out with it, I budgeted $250 a month for the cell phones, not $1100.... to make it short, she told me she called cell phone company and worked out a payment plan...and she said she would handle paying it out of the weekly money i gave her for groceries, gas, kid stuff. I mean I bring home $1600 a week after taxes, and I was giving her $400 a week for groceries, ect..kid stuff....and she aid she would work it out of that $$. Well 1 day b4 cell phone bill was due, I asked her...her hunny, is the phone stuff taken care of? She said Yep! Next day all cell phones where cut off. This comes after months and months, of me giving her budget $$ for stuff, and her always going over, or leaving stuff out and Id have to end up giving her more. I was at that time so stressed....i left for the night.....came home the next day and realized....she wasnt trying to help me financially....i mean I didnt expect ehr to go out and make anywhere near half of what i made....i just really wanted help with her not spending so much....and creating more bills.... well, i got too stressed out...and i asked her if she thought she would have a better chance gettin back in school and finding a job if she went to her moms for a while... And she said probably...bcause she knew more people, all her family was there....and so..we agreed she would go and try and do that for a short time, and if it worked...she would stay and get her stuff together, and in juine when kids got out of school..i would sell house and buy one alot closer to her family....that was what we agreed on... what happened next....is what sent us into the downward spiral....after a week her being at her moms....we got into a argument on the phone....when she got there,.....she had started going out with her old friends....every night...till wee hours in morning....and was sleeping all day when i would call her....and i got upset....i couldnt help it, i really wanted to try and work all this out....and instead of her going there and starting to work on things she said she could do there....easier...she started blowing it... so we had a bad argument....so thats what got us to here people....i never mistreated her...u dont do that to someone u love...and i even want her to come back especially for the kids sake...her 2 kids...have been bounced back n forth from there dads to her all there life....nothing ever stable...until they came to live with us... i made the mistake of pushing her out, now i know....i wish i would have trust tried harder.....especially for the kids sake....but now, she has had a taste of going out again with her old friends....and most of them are into psycadelic drugs....pot(which i dont see nuttin wrong with), acid(bad), and mushrooms, ect...all kinds of ****...she hung out with a hard core hippie group in Tideater Va. she stopped all that with me...except for pot...cause i never seen anything really too bad with pot...This is my 1st marriage, and i also believe in for better or worse....she tells me she still loves me and knows how wonderful a man i am.... but ur right...her pride was bruised badly when i made that mistake asking her to leave.....i really am givin her the space and time she says she needs....she says she needs tothink/..but i find out she is just doing the same stuff she did b4....hanign out all night.....sleepin most of day....and i know her kids are hurtin now more than anything.... at home...with me...she cooked every night for them...got up every morning with them to get them off to school...ect..was really involved...but now i dont know.... its just screwed up...so there u guys have it....thats how this all came to be.... not sure what i shouold do now....but know i still love her, and love those kids....and wish i could make it up somehow.... |
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