Sweetboy - no! You have creativity, passion, intelligence, super imagination, depth and a ton of other goodies. It's ok for you to let others help you with some other stuff. We all need help in one way or another.

Starsmoonearth,

That sounds great, but in reality, they also have to deal with school, and as they get older, work. While I, as a parent, may embrace my child's unique capacities (and I do), I also recognize that it ultimately hurts him in both the long run and the short run when he cannot be 'successful' by today's standards in school and work due to his difficulties. Again, all cases are different and affected to different degrees on a continuum. One person may be able to function appropriately with diet changes and no meds, others may not.

We tried the change in diet. It did nothing.

Again, be careful to get a pediatric psychiatrist specializing in attention disorders to help pin down a diagnosis and do not depend on "what it looks like" to others. ADHD is a biological difference in the way the brain functions.

That being said, the meds are in the amphetamine class. They are heavy duty, no doubt about it, and should be used with due caution. Each one reacts slightly differently in each person, so you have to try a LOT before you find one that helps some with the least side effects. My son reported side effects of nausea, loss of appetite (those being the largest), and then on some meds, especially Ritalin, the 'come-down' off of it in the afternoon was very, very jagged and made him extremely irritable. Time-release meds worked better for him, but may disrupt sleep at night if taken too late in the morning. If my son takes them by 8 (he usually takes them by 7), it doesn't seem to interrupt his sleep.

We've modified his food intake to accommodate the lack of appetite while he is on it. He doesn't eat much during the day, but starts being very hungry about 4 p.m. He eats a lot between then and bedtime and I make sure he eats quality healthy food as well as snacks. He also doesn't take the meds on weekends or during school breaks to give his body a break.

But most importantly - don't take my word for any of this, or anyone else's on here. Get a well respected specialist involved - a general practitioner is not enough, and research, research, research. His parents will be his best advocate with the school and md's and they can't do that if they haven't educated themselves about it.

I had originally posted this under the 'new to the site' forum but after reading a few pages here, I think it needs to be here! So here's my post from the New forum:

Hi all, I'm new here.

I am puzzled by something I've noticed on online dating services. Why is it that the majority of men say they are looking for women younger than themselves?

As in, they will say their age is 45 but they are looking for someone 28-45. ??? I don't get it. I am 47 and I never would dream of looking for a 28 year old man for a relationship! Nothing in common.

But men's profiles say that ALL THE TIME! Women's seem to have more of an even split. For example, a 35 year old will be looking for a man 30 - 40 years old.

Most men's profiles are just nuts about that! I mean, honestly, are most 28 year old women really going to want to date a 45 year old??? No way! Some, maybe, but not in general.

So what is this with the men my age looking for a cohort of women whose ages start at almost my daughter's age?

And to be honest with you, the other really annoying thing about it is that most men my age who post their photos look WAY older than what they say they are. So they look about 60 and want to date 28 year olds. What is that????

So that was my post on the New forum. Input?

Thanks - what would happen is that I would be fired in a round about way. Yes, it certainly is ignorance on their part, but there you have it. And I don't have the resources for legal fees and all of that and they know it. I have a 'trusted public position' that would be compromised by being here as it is free access to all ages.

Also new here, also Native, also been through the wringer as a woman in my 40's. Nice to hear other mature, calm voice who know themselves.

I actually did a search with my zipcode and there are a surprising amount.

Hi all, I'm new here.

I am puzzled by something I've noticed on online dating services. Why is it that the majority of men say they are looking for women younger than themselves?

As in, they will say their age is 45 but they are looking for someone 28-45. ??? I don't get it. I am 47 and I never would dream of looking for a 28 year old man for a relationship! Nothing in common.

But men's profiles say that ALL THE TIME! Women's seem to have more of an even split. For example, a 35 year old will be looking for a man 30 - 40 years old.

Most men's profiles are just nuts about that! I mean, honestly, are most 28 year old women really going to want to date a 45 year old??? No way! Some, maybe, but not in general.

So what is this with the men my age looking for a cohort of women whose ages start at almost my daughter's age?

And to be honest with you, the other really annoying thing about it is that most men my age who post their photos look WAY older than what they say they are. So they look about 60 and want to date 28 year olds. What is that????

Thomas,

Thing sometimes just don't work out between 2 people. You are a very attractive young man, and I am really sure that you will move on to a better relationship. As another person said, you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the 'why'. Sometimes there is no reason, it just IS.

Keeping busy and around your friends helps, but also just taking time to think positively to yourself helps. As in, "Things WILL get better, I just need to take a step back and give it time." Also, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to have 60 days with NO contact with her. You will feel much better at the end of it and more ready to move on.

Maybe take this time to learn or do something new. Get involved in something that catches your attention, take a chance and try something new.

Much luck to you.

I really, really, really have doubts about posting a photo on my profile, despite what several people have written about it. I'm not trying to hide anything, not lazy, not computer illiterate. I don't want anyone in this small rural city to know that I am on a dating site as it really could jeopardize my job (yes, I know it is legal to be here, but things don't always work as they legally should) as well as some other reasons.

I would be happy to provide my websites that have my bio photos on them as I communicate with people in lieu of posting one on my profile, although I realize not having one will cut down on my profile hits.

I added more to my profile to kind of balance the 'no photo' thing. Thoughts?

"But I agree, no pic and no info, no contact. They either have something to hide or they are just lazy. Whatever it be, I don't want it."

I don't know how to do the quote box thing on this site, but above is what TXsSun wrote.

I disagree. Personally, I did not post a photo when I joined (extremely recently) for a variety of reasons - none of them include being lazy or having something to hide. I live in a very small, isolated, rural city and I didn't want anyone here who may be online (even if the chance is small) to recognize me. Also, I am actually leery of online dating sites as I've heard and read some pretty negative things about them and hence am not sure just how invested in this I want to be. A third reason, and this I hesitate to say this because I know how it sounds, but the last time I did an online dating site thing and posted my photo, I got every single Tom, Jim and Harry who must be out there responding to me. From what they wrote, they were not really responding to ME or what I had written in my profile, which was quite a bit more detailed than this one - they were responding to my photograph. I'd rather not have to sort through all of that. So those are my reasons for not posting a photo.

I would do some google searches if I were you, and read some research studies on executive functioning and ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD or opposition and ADHD, etc. But make sure you read research studies. As in from the big organizations in health care whether from Canada or the US. Also, university studies, if large enough, provide valid information.

It is a ton of wading through information that I would highly recommend that his parents do. You truly have to educate yourself as a parent. The last 6 years of this (since he was 10) have been a huge learning experience for me.

This is a starting point as a well respected organization specializing in ADD/ADHD: http://www.chadd.org/

Andy, as was said by others, every child is different. ADHD is NOT an "illness". It is a difference in the biological way the brain functions. There is a very broad spectrum of how severe the ADHD is in each person, and also what other conditions are comorbid with it. Your nephew could have a higher degree of opposition with it, as does my son. Some kids have no opposition with it but do have obsessive compulsions, to varying degrees. Some kids have learning disabilities with it. Some have anxiety with it. Those things are not the ADHD, but are other issues that are typically seen 'living' with ADHD. And like ADHD, they are all very individual as to their severity.

If your nephew saw a physician and was 'diagnosed' with it, that should mean that his mother and father and teachers and any other adults that spend significant time with him were given a rating sheet (Connors rating) to fill out to help determine what each adult sees in him as needing help and the severity. It's not like you can take a blood test or anything for it - it is not a disease or illness.

The person 'diagnosing' him should be a specialist in ADHD, not just a general practitioner. A psychologist or psychiatrist can get the ball rolling with the Connor's Rating Scale. Then, typically, a series of tests are done on the child to try to pinpoint where the trouble lies. Reaction time tests, the child rating himself on varying factors (anger management, time management, organization, anxiety, compulsion, opposition, etc.) and other tests that are typically done on a computer will be done. These take hours and are very expensive here - upwards of $600.

I got extremely, extremely lucky and a children's psychiatry firm was willing to give my son these tests pro bono. It was a good thing, too, since he was suffering hugely at the time from anxiety and the ADHD mixed in with it made it really hard to figure out what was going on inside of him.

ADHD is frequently misdiagnosed. It can be a lack of sleep, which I see a lot in schools. Kids that do not routinely get enough sleep can go into overdrive trying to keep themselves awake during the day and it looks like ADHD. However, keep in mind that kids with ADHD can many times have difficulty sleeping, and if anxiety is comorbid with it, you can just forget solid sleep.

I would not trust a general physician and a cursory talk with parents or a single teacher to make the decision that a child has ADHD. The meds ARE heavy duty and I wouldn't put my child on them unless I really, really thought that his life at home and at school was significantly disturbed, negatively effected, not able to be successful in home relationships (opposition) or academically without them.

They are fast acting drugs and typically people do not need to be on them for a long time to know whether or not they are working. They are not like antidepressants or other drugs that you have to wait 6 weeks to take effect and adjust the dosage from there. They take effect fairly immediately. you can tell within a day. That also means that you can choose not to take them on weekends or school vacations if the person takes them for school purposes.

Adderall (the brand name version) costs me $75 per month here for a month of 10 mg. capsules. That is WITH health insurance, believe it or not. If I got a generic of Adderall, I think it would be $30 per month, but they just raised the prescription copayment, so I'm not sure.

We are trying the brand name version this month since the generic bothered him with its side effects. So far, he says that the brand name does work better for him. Generics and brands do not always react the same way in people, no matter that the general wisdom says that they do.

In short, yes, it can be misdiagnosed and frequently is. I would not trust that decision enough to medicate the child unless I had a full team of people giving all Connor's Rating Scales to all adults he is frequently with, and go through the computer tests of reaction time, attention, memory and all of that. If all that comes out still pointing towards ADHD, then I would try the meds just the way your nephew is - a smaller dose at first, the gradually increasing if no benefit was seen. However, the side effects need to be taken into account.

There are many,many, many ADHD medications and all have slightly different effects in individuals. It is a very, very long process to find out which one works the best, in the least dosage, with the least side effects. It has taken us several years.

If there are other conditions comorbid it will take even longer, since the meds could have effects on each other, or on the other conditions.

Being loud, taking the easiest (fastest) way out, having trouble socially (being mean to others), making bad choices, low frustration levels, and grades that look like a roller coaster (A, F, A, F, A, F) are all very typical of ADHD kids. The grades can be falsely assumed that the child is lazy or not trying, when in fact, he or she is having difficulty with time management (when do I study, have I been looking at this for 5 mins or 5 hours?), frustration levels, and attention in addition to seeking the easy way out. Very typical ADHD student behavior. Time management is a huge issue for my son - not having a clue how much time has passed, when he is supposed to do what, how long something typically takes, etc. Also organization - he may very well do his homework but then completely forget to turn it in. And organization on tests - he skips right over problems many times. Not because they are difficult for him and he plans to come back to them (that would be successful time management and organization skills that are indicative of effective executive functioning in the brain) - but because he just doesn't have the attention, time management or organization skills to methodically answer one question at a time, one after the other in order, nor go over the test afterwards to make sure he didn't miss any. These are all things we are trying to teach him to do for himself.

I am making him sound like an idiot, but he is far, far from it. ADHD kids also typically have not too great executive functioning in the brain, so that is all related to it. And again, it has NOTHING to do with intelligence (or laziness, although it looks like it).

And again, meds alone are NOT the way to go. For my son, they have acted pretty much like an aspirin is to a headache - they take the edge off, but the rest has to be up to him and also the parents to take him to a specialist to help him learn coping strategies for life. Not just HOW to use a planner and all sorts of other organizational tools, but overcoming the opposition to using those things, coming to grips with the fact that his brain doesn't work like many other brains but that he isn't alone, coming to the point (gradually) where he seeks out and invents his own strategies to figure out time, be less oppositional, figure out distance/location (also part of the executive functioning aspect with many ADHD people), figure out how to keep track of what he is supposed to be doing, how to organize things so that he does what he is supposed to do. Those things will never come from a medication. But he needs the meds in order to hear what is trying to be taught both from the psychiatrist/psychologists, me, and teachers. And he very much needs the few seconds of extra time the med buys him before he reacts.

So again, that's my more than 2cents worth!

I'm brand new on this entire site, but this thread caught my attention as a parent of an ADHD teenager. I'm also a teacher.

No, ADHD cannot be "cured". Whoever told you that is wrong. We have tried just about every ADHD med out there - most are amphetamine based since it reacts differently in the ADHD brain than others - with not much luck on the meds we've tried. When I say that, I mean that it is very clear that my son needs meds, but they are kind of like what aspirin is to a headache - takes the edge off, but that's about it.

The ADHD brain functions differently in many ways, and that is a biological difference. They do not need to be "cured". Brains that function in this way are brilliant in many, many capacities. However, in our society of school and work (moreso school), we have it structured so that kids are not usually successful if they have difficulty controlling impulses and sitting for 45 or 90 min. classes and concentrating on mostly audio and visual work.

ADHD also is usually accompanied by other issues - many ADHD kids are also learning disabled, or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or a varying degree of Oppositional Defiant Disorder or have difficulty socially with peers. But it is hugely, hugely individual as to whether or not these other things are comorbid or not, and to what degree.

In my son's case, we are extremely lucky that he does not also have to deal with a learning disability or social difficulties, but he does have a degree of opposition. Meds have unpleasant side effects for him, and Ritalin was the worst. he is now on Adderall, as those side effects (nausea, weight loss, trouble as meds wear off) were the least on it. They are still there, and he still needs to take it to help control impulsivity and increase concentration at school, but it doesn't have the effect of making him fixate on any one thing, as one poster said.

He has a 504 for school, not an IEP, which is entirely possible NOT to need the full blown IEP. A 504 allows for modifications in the classroom. I just wish the teachers would follow it. there is an appalling lack of knowledge of ADHD kids and their mods by teachers, and yes, he has had teachers treat him like he is an idiot, although his IQ is near 140.

he was diagnosed in 5th grade with ADHD and anxiety. I got him into counseling immediately and he has been in counseling steadily until this past year, with not too stellar results. His meds and how he is doing with his anxiety and focus/impulsivity is constantly monitored by me as mom, and by a psychiatrist, and until recently, a psychologist. The goal is to give him strategies he can use to help himself with time management, responsibility and other organizational issues.

I think this will be a struggle for him all his life. It has had a huge impact on our family and it is a very real issue. I get very upset when people suggest that it is due to poor parenting, as a recent msn.com article mentioned. It is brain based, biological. As parents, we pull out all the stops and expend a huge amount of time, money and effort to help our children, who being children, sometimes do and sometimes don't do everything they can do help themselves.

Stepping down off my soapbox now.