@crystal ... hypothetical question . If another woman tries to take away the man you love .... would you allow that to happen or would you fight for your relationship ??? Is that considered a form of possessiveness ? Just curious .

I know I'm not crystal but that has happened to me before (from the man's point of view).
I told her she should do whatever she feels she needs to do.
See, I know I'm not the perfect man, never claimed to be one.
I'm with a woman because I want to be with her.
I expect her to be with me because she wants to be with me.
If that changes, I think we should respect each other enough to accept the change. We're not married, we're dating. She's not interested in getting married and neither am I.

The games people play to make each other jealous get old after while and frankly I'm quite happy I don't play in that playground anymore.

I disagree that possessiveness is a sign of mistrust or insecurity. If I'm proud of my ol lady - I'd want the world to know that, that is mine and I'm elated she's with me. In turn, it has the potential to back off the dudes that will want to try, and give a perfect legitimate reason for me to fold their front row, if they do try after the warning. It also amplifies to the women that doesn't care about going after a guy that is in a committed relationship, that chances are slim.

I'm with Blondey on this one...jealousy is a feeling grounded in insecurity. Possessiveness can only be bad if the couple aren't into each other equally

I guess the level of commitment and love in a relationship may determine behaviour . I would definitely fight for my relationship . It has nothing to do with jealously it has to do with level of love . While it may be noble to bow down and let the other person decide , I would not give up a relationship I valued so easily . If he showed interest in another woman I may view that differently to another woman showing an interest in him . If that is interpreted as being possessive then I am okay with that .

None taken.
It is casual because that's the way we want it.
If we wanted it to be more than that we would get married.

My health has taken everything from me before and its not getting any better.
She has a similar story.
If I were 20 years younger I might be looking for something more.
As it is, I cherish the time I have with her but I'm realistic enough to know I'll die before her.
I don't own her or anything about her. I don't presume to think I will be the last man she will ever want to be with.

As for possessiveness, I barely call the things which are mine, mine.
The only real possession I have is the one which lives within me.
I'm fine with that.

Consequently, I do live a stress free, drama free life now, which is a really nice change.

you are too fast tom .. I just edited that comment ., sorry reading it back it sounded a little harsh and unnecessary .

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship tom . You both sound grounded and happy with what you share . I guess I was trying to express that love and a serious committment can change our behaviour and perspective . Personally , I don’t believe possessiveness is always dysfunctional. Humans like animals can have a tendency to be territorial in a relationship. Possessive behaviour shares some similar overlaps which can serve to strengthen a relationship

Agreed on the point made about Marriage.

I think the intention behind the possessiveness clarifies the context.
If this were a 'happily married' forum I think the concepts of this thread would have a different impact.
The reality is, on a 'dating' forum, many members have gone thru difficult relationships and possessive relationships usually involve one partner having authority over the other's individual freedoms.
Sometimes to the point of abuse.

Something else which is common is the fact some people can exist perfectly happy living with an illusion. Its all fine till something breaks that illusion.

I believe all couples which succeed find their happy medium in their unique hierarchy. It may not be equal but it seems to work...for them...for awhile.

Many don't realize when their relationship fails that the change is caused by the relationship hierarchy changing the people from the people they were when they were initially attracted to each other.
Possessiveness changes the relationship. Usually for the worst but sometimes it can work in the relationship's favor. It depends upon the nature of the two people involved.

That's the kind of possessiveness I'm posting about. It feels good to hear "Hey!! That's MY man. Hands off!!" "That's my woman you're talking to, jerk! Back off!!"

I actually feel it's my man's 'task' to deal with this, not mine. It's kind of my policy to not enter into a fight with another woman over my/a man.
Nevertheless, I've been there once, and he did nothing. At some point I got so annoyed I dealt with it and she was gone in a flash. But I didn't really do that so much out of possessiveness but more sheer annoyance. And in such cases I'm also seriously PO that the man didn't deal with it btw.
Something like that could be the cause of me ending things.
Same considering the woman btw. I recall now that a very good friend began flirting with my partner when she visited. That was the last time we ever saw each other. Friendship ended there and then. Again, it's more feeling betrayal by my friend, not so much feeling possessive of my man.
I guess trust is very important to me.

As for the other question... I'm not sure if I'd consider fighting for your man/relationship in such cases as possessiveness. Is it not more feeling rejected as it's a sign the man isn't really committed to you?

I once said to a woman who tried to flirt with me when I was in a relationship "I'm with HER ( pointing at my woman ) not with YOU." It felt SO good to tell that tramp off!

Yes, that's the kind of thing I mean. With such a partner you can simply trust him. I couldn't be happy and relaxed in a relationship if I'd somehow sense he would engage when he saw a nice woman or a woman tried to get close to him.

As I posted before, it depends on the individual and the situation and the relationship. I love it when my woman possesses me ( in a healthy way ) and grabs at me possessively as if she'd never let me go. No control, full respect, full of love and compassion... I love it when she says "You ain't going nowhere without me" "Where you go I go...even to the ends of the earth's I will be there with you" and I reply "I can't see myself anywhere without you" "You complete me"... Possessiveness can be such a turn on, can be very healthy for a relationship, again, in the positive sense, with two mentally healthy individuals. I call that true love.

I guess people have different ideas and needs, based on where they are in life.
I do get the sentiment, and even though it may seem romantic, I'm more in agreement with what Abraham Hicks says: "If someone says 'you complete me' run for the hills!!"
Years ago -when I was in more need of the perceived safety of a relationship- I would've felt the exact same way. I'm not sure if I'd appreciate it anymore now.

I'm not sure if mirroring the bad of past relationships is healthy. When a relationship breaks it's traumatic. It can take years to get over it. I think Hicks said that in all bitterness. I don't think it's healthy to linger in the bitterness from past relationships. If we don't move on and learn to trust again we wither and die inside. Can't put everyone in the same basket, can't put every relationships in the same basket. There are truly amazing people out there. Just have to be on guard and not let sweet words sway us. Actions speak louder than words.

Not singling you out, just talking in general...
I believe the kind of behavior this refers to is more of a lack of integrity or honesty.
Possessiveness, whether for or against the relationship, is but one part of the relationship.
Honest open communication is vital in a relationship.
Certain types of possession can stop the honest open communication for a number of reasons. It breaks the trust/honesty bond the relationship needs for it to thrive equally.
When honesty and integrity are the driving force, possession doesn't need to be exercised in an attempt to control the fidelity of your partner.

When someone has been single for a long time they get accustomed to certain freedoms. When they finally enter into a relationship possessiveness on the part of their new partner can look excessive. It breaks the sense of individual freedom they were accustomed to having.
Some people welcome it, it makes them feel important or special.
Some people despise it, feeling like their partner is always telling them what to do or how to think or act.
Many refer to it as being 'set in their ways' but if the possessive element is missing or only slight, the relationship develops a bit more equally.

Some people were in previous long-term relationships which ended badly due to excessive possessiveness.
They have no desire to be in another relationship with a jealous, demanding partner.
They got free of that and when it rears its possessive head in the new relationship a certain trust is violated.
That new relationship works for a while then falls apart.
Sometimes the dating never even reaches relationship stage.

You hear them say...

"She's too set in her ways."
"He's too stubborn."
"She tried to tell me what to do."
"He won't listen to me."
"She won't let me be myself."
"He makes me do..."

When the possession factor is nullified, each participant in the relationship has the freedom to choose to be with their partner.
Individual honesty and integrity is what keeps them with their partner.
Honest open communication can happen easily without fear of rejection.
Agreements can be made which allow a person to show their integrity and alignment to the person they choose to be with.

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?
Possessiveness forces the intent of the relationship and can remove choice as an option for certain (sometimes important) things.

When you love being with someone being themselves and they love being with you being yourself, that's the reason for being in the relationship with that person (most of the time).
If you try to control them thru possessive mandates you are changing them from them being themselves into them being what you decide they should be and vice-versa.
It tends to break the initial reason you entered into that relationship with them in the first place.

I think you may be mixing possessiveness with jealousy and control behavior. Those things are different.

Are they?
Or are those what manifest after possessiveness is present?

Possession often attempts to control behavior.
Behavior control can lead to jealousy of power/freedom in the relationship.
You shouldn't have to sneak around on your relationship partner for any reason.
You should be allowed to have privacy for some things in your life.

Plain and simple:
Possessiveness is an attempt to control.
When one attempts to control another, jealousy happens.
Its not really that difficult to comprehend?

Possessiveness can also lead to lying.
Why would anyone want to be in a relationship structured on lies?
That makes no sense?

I agree concerning projecting. When you grow from a relationship and learn you also overcome that more and more, although some will likely always remain. After all we all have personal filters through which we view the world, based on past events good and bad.

As for your statement on Abraham Hicks... I guess you don't know what/who that is otherwise you would not have said that. It doesn't make sense at all.

I'm fine with you having a different view concerning possessiveness. I personally found the whole discussion interesting, including others' contributions. It shows we all have different needs, are in different places with what we need, and also in our personal growth. As such we experience things differently, and also react in different ways.

It also shows how important context is and with that communication as we can all perceive things to mean something else as what was meant.