That makes me angry that people can be so cruel.

Thank you, Ladywind! Sorry to here that!! And yes, they can develop into horrible stalkers! In that sense I was lucky he replaced me before I'd even left. That hurt me deeply, but at least he never stalked me.
I never really had counseling directly for it, but I did do a lot of healing work myself. I had coaching for a bit when I was still with him (I already knew it wasn't gonna last but couldn't really face it yet) as I had lost sight of what a normal relationship was supposed to be like.
And I sought coaching when I was in my next relationship and got triggered all over the place again, sometimes with reason, but not always.
This woman said, don't be so hard on yourself! This is the first relationship you have after that narcissist! This is quite normal, give yourself a break!
That helped a lot.
But most of the work I did myself. That had already started when I was still with him btw. From the moment I decided I would not let him crush me, not let him control me, not let him manipulate me, that I was done with it!
After that decision it got way worse as he felt he'd lost his grip on me of course. But there was no going back. I grew stronger and stronger.
Of course it required lots of healing still after I'd left him. I never cried over the breakup. All I felt was tremendous relief.
What helped me a lot all that time was my spirituality, by which I mean paganism. That is basically personal growth too. That's what got me through it all.

Lots of love to your sister!

Hahaha, that's a good one! Our houses are mirrored though (thank goodness btw!) and living and bedroom on the other end of the houses. What if that sound penetrates my own home? That'd not make me happy!

yea that's true. I didn't think of that. you'd have to stuff some cotton wool in your ears :) then when the start freaking out. you could tell them you could get rid of the ghosts. for a fee. :)

For a person to be easily manipulated they must have a poor self image and a lack of self confidence. This generally goes back to their childhood and teenage years. By the time you become an adult and are ready to enter in a relationship you should have established who you are and what your value or worth is. It is not the fault of the person you got into a poor relationship with but your failure to be the strong, confident person to deal with them. Now as an adult, you need to learn about who you are that you should have learned as a teenager.

Aww, I just can not wait for your response to this message Crystal....

The first part is definitely true. It is always women who are vulnerable one way or another that get involved with a narcissist.
The second part about dealing with them confidently as a partner... there is no such way with a narcissist. These people cannot be in a healthy relationship because they aren't healthy, they have a serious problem. A personality problem that is untreatable. And yes, they are at fault for doing this and not taking responsibility for anything ever.

But their victims sure have a lesson to learn from it. That's what I've done. It definitely helps the healing process when you do.

The general saying 'you cannot be manipulated unless you let yourself be' is a bit redundant here. Dealing with a narcissist -a permanently sick person- is a whole different ballgame. In other words: there's a lot more to it than you seem to think or know.

What a crock! And it's responses like this that keep so many women who have been in abusive relationships from talking about it. It's like telling them that it's their own fault because they weren't strong enough and that somehow it serves them right for not being confident to "deal" with their manipulator! BS!

By time I was a teenager, I had learned that my opinion didn't matter, that nothing I did would ever be good enough, that the world would be better off without me, that I better keep my mouth shut if I didn't want to be beaten, and that no man would ever want me for anything other than sex. These are things I learned from my father.

In my adult years when I began to seek out therapy, my first encounter with a so-called professional was being told to stop acting like a victim and take responsibility for my own failure to deal with life. On some level there's some validity to that statement, but the deliverance of it was cruel and harsh. Fortunately I was able to seek out other professionals who gently helped me to see value inside myself and begin to embrace life rather than want to end my life.

When women speak of past abuse, it's not about placing blame, it's about the need to heal. In my case, it's understandable that I would enter poor relationships once I began doing so. My self worth was pretty much zilch. But there are others who have healthy self esteems who are still vulnerable to victimization, especially from someone who is a very skilled manipulator.

To say "it's not the manipulators fault you were easily manipulated" is just plain ignorant and short sighted, and much like what a narcissist would say to it's victim.

The most important step to healing,
is the discovery and realization, that
it isn't your fault as a victim.

It took me years to learn that,
and recover from the Hell I went through.

it wont go unless you heal yourself first

I'm just curious, how that philosophy
worked out for ya.

Seems like a great philosophy.
You're still happily married? Right?

Lacking in confidence is not a reason for someone to be abused, physically
or mentally, ever.

You're certainly not at fault when you're a victim of abuse.
But I do find it important to look at the why. That is called 'taking responsibility for yourself and your part in it'. And that is not being at fault of course. But looking at the reasons for you attracting that in.
Now narcissism is something that is very sneaky, the way they get under your skin etc. But... I would not have gone any further had my own self-esteem and confidence levels been good and strong. The fact they weren't does go back to childhood issues, having been bullied for years on end.
Had my levels been strong I doubt I would've felt for his sob stories, knowing I deserved a man who had his chit together.
I'm not gonna go in details any further, all that stuff is 16 yrs ago, I got out over 7 years ago.
But I do agree there's a part where you should look at the why. Doing this and recognizes you have a why, your part in it, does help your own healing tremendously!
Insight always helps healing, without insight you can't really heal.

Well said, and I agree! Having a healthy esteem and confidence level doesn't necessarily make us immune to entering into such a relationship, but it will determine how long we continue to be in such a relationship if it does happen.

I too believe it's important to look at why you're attracting that in your life. Not to place blame on yourself, or the perpetrator, but to learn and grow in order to attract healthier people into your life. Like you mentioned, take responsibility for yourself and your part in it, to gain insight and heal so that you are able to move forward in life.

This was exactly what I said!!!!! These are not the attitudes a healthy person should ever have!!!!!! You should have been having experiences in life that developed just the opposite belief about yourself. And yes, your father taught you wrong.

Crystal, you are stronger than you realize.

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder

Grandiose sense of self-importance. ...
Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur. ...
Needs constant praise and admiration. ...
Sense of entitlement. ...
Exploits others without guilt or shame. ...
Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others.


When you meet new people, be sure to discern the difference between someone with a narcissistic personality from someone who has a high level of competency and self confidence. In some ways, they will appear to be one and the same when they are actually very different.

I got involved with one and had to call the police because he would not stop calling me. He finally stopped after that. I hate to say this, but I was relieved to found out that he had passed. I no longer have to think about the nonsense that I went through with him.

Thank you!