Sometimes I wonder if the damage done by a narcissist will ever really go 100%.
I've been with one for 10 years, way way too long! The brainwashing, intimidation, abuse, indoctrination, ruining sense of Self and self-esteem and so on...

I took my time to heal afterwards, some 2 years for sure before I felt I was anywhere near ready to date again.
I got involved with another man, not a narcissist, not even close! But... I did allow things to happen regardless that I should never have let happen because they were way out of line.
I began to see it, but usually after the fact. It's as if I was still so drilled to be treated poorly that I had taken that on board as being "normal".
I was happy that at least I was aware, even though it was afterwards, and did deal with it then. But yeah, one would want to not allow that to happen at all anymore.

Now yesterday another example... Had a real bad row with my neighbours, they were wrong, did something that's basically breaking the law.
He called me names, threatened me etc., it was grand, haha. I didn't put up with it, wasn't intimidated in the slightest, not even when he threatened me.
I think that's another step forward.
But then afterwards... I feel as if I've done something wrong, not him. I feel I have to make myself small now, not be seen and heard. WTF??
It dawned on me this is another after-effect of the narcissist brainwashing. I guess this had to happen to make me aware, and I must say I'm not chuffed.
Will this ever be over and done with?
How much work does one have to do on self in order to fully heal?
I must admit I had not expected to feel this way as I didn't think I still had that chit embedded in me.

Sound familiar to women who've been with a narcissist?

Pretty familiar. Have only just begun therapy in the past year. Focusing on what I learn there and my Faith in God and I'm determined to heal and live a full and purposeful life. I think that even though the wounds are healed the scars remain and damage has been done. Atleast we recognize it for what it is and we can make sure it doesn't control us.

It's quite clear that you are a good and decent person, while malignant narcissists are expert in concealing their true nature and slowly undermining other people's self confidence and sense of reality.
It can take a long time to recover from that degree of betrayal of fundamental human behaviour and values. After can never be the same as before and I understand your reaction to this recent incident with your neighbour because it's a kind of PTSD still lingering from your experience with a malignant person. You should know that you are loved by those who know and value you.

Both my kids dad and my husband told me how lucky I was to have them. Their reasoning was because I was so ugly. The only reason a man would be with me was to use me. I have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes... Every day actually. It's hard to take a compliment or believe they're sincere.

I don't know that you ever fully recover. It's like if you've ever had a deep wound, the scar is always going to be there. How well we accept that and what we do with it is about all we can do. After time that scar doesn't occupy our minds so much, and it becomes less bothersome. Once in a while something happens to disturb the scar, causing it to bleed a little. With a little tlc, it heals again and we carry on.

When it comes to emotional scars, each time it gets disrupted and we apply a little tlc, we grow a little stronger and are more equipped to handle the next time it gets disrupted. But the scar, unfortunately, will always be there. Or fortunately... depending on how you look at it. We are who we are because of our experiences. Accepting that it's always going to be there helps us when chit happens, there's no need to be tough on ourselves because we haven't "gotten over it" yet. Instead embrace it as an opportunity to explore how we choose to handle it.

Taking a look at what happened, how we responded, and how it made us feel can aid in the recovery process... if we're okay with how we responded, all is well. If not, then we have the opportunity to consider how we would have liked to handle it instead. Then practice doing that the next time something happens. Or in front of a mirror, haha. I laugh, but it works, I've done it many of times in the past.

Having been in abusive relationships, and growing up in violence, my scars run deep and I have ptsd. Some days I'm okay, some days I'm not. I too have worked hard on recovery and had thoughts that someday I will be fully recovered. And it's scary when I think of getting into a new relationship. I want to be fully recovered before that happens. But it's not going to happen, those scars are a part of me. The man for me, will accept me as I am, scars and all.

In the case of your neighbor, maybe write it out. What you think you did wrong, then rewrite it stating you did nothing wrong, it's just irrational thinking due to the scars you still have. If you find you did do something wrong, congratulate yourself for admitting to it and consider how you'd do it differently next time.

Most importantly... give yourself a break for being human!

Nobody with such a beautiful smile and obvious warmth as yourself could ever be thought of as "ugly".

yea I agree m8 She's lovely :)

You have a good understanding of it!
Yes, it is indeed an intense thing to experience. Oddly enough it didn't stop me afterwards to open up to love again, with a full open heart and totally trusting. So in that sense I had/have healed. But there's certain things that got so deeply ingrained in my system, like sneaky programs silently running in the background only to get active when something particular happens if that makes sense.
Like a number of red alert buttons, based on falsehoods, that can go off, while they don't bother me otherwise.
I think that's why I was shocked to feel what I felt after this row with the neighbours. I had not expected it, didn't see it coming, yet there it was again.
I have forgiven that particular ex yonks ago, truly forgiven, and it felt glorious to be able to do that! I was so proud I could!
It's just those effing remaining 'proggies'.
Oh well, maybe I will get there at some point.

I'm sure that you will

I thankfully do not have a past with abuse and stuff, although my parents' relationship wasn't always brilliant. Lots of arguing as I recall it.
But in essence it's mostly the narcissist. Doesn't bother me in normal life, just certain things that tell me that there's still stuff there, like this row.
It also brought me good stuff as he almost completely totaled my sense of self-worth and what little sense of femininity I had.
But now I've reached a sense of femininity I've never ever had before in life! Now the fem/masc energies are also part of my Soul path, so in a way the chit even helped me get on my path, hihi.
My self-esteem and confidence is also at better levels than ever, but clearly can still wobble a lot when something wakes up these ingrained chit things.
I've talked to others about it a while ago, and some said it was indeed possible to have a great relationship, but it requires work, sometimes additional therapy and time.
I've heard this eye movement therapy (EMT??) can help really well.

In any case, embrace yourself as you are. I think that's big part of it.

@ River... PS I did what you suggested in my head, didn't write it down. Will do so though if it keeps bothering me. but noticing it earlier on did a lot already. I decided to not make myself small (energetically) but large, the way I should be, have the right to be. That helped a lot!


@ Seamus, thanks! I'll keep at it, hihi.

Cool, I'm glad your vibration is getting large again. And yes, you have a right to be that way!

I just checked out briefly the EMT you mentioned. It sounds pretty amazing. I'll do some more research on it. Thanks!

Yeah, that's the chit they do. I had the same thing, saying I was pretty but he didn't feel physically attracted to me (too tall too fat even though I was slim as could be. Any more and I'd be anorexic). But I think it's just ways to spite you. They have a very good radar to seek out your own weak spots and then they exploit them.
Kids is different. Also very painful, but different. Did you know a narcissist divides a family in 2 camps: the ones for him, the ones against him. You'd be in the one 'against'. I had my daughter in his camp, my son in mine. He did what he could to upset my son and knock him whenever he could, tried to make me give him chit for things that were ridiculous just to break our strong bond. He failed at that. I did not put up with him trying to drive a wedge between me and my son.
Unfortunately he succeeded with his own son AND my daughter... The things my own girl said and did are horrific and took years of healing. Now that she's 26 we're doing fine, but it took quite some time.
I once talked to a therapist about this and she said "You cannot blame her, she was only a child who was lost herself in the situation at home."
That helped me put things into perspective.
My girl is also still suffering from the consequences, just now she understands it wasn't ME but HIM.
They need to be a certain age in order to see that and have the wisdom, approx. 24 yrs.
So maybe that helps you with your kids. They too are victims, even when they're nasty. It's not them doing that, it's HIM through them.

You're welcome! Isn't it great how we can help each other by talking :)
I considered EMT too when I heard of it, but since I get dizzy so easily, which is related to eye-movements, I daren't at the mo.
But what I read it has very good results with this sort of chit!

Oh, and thank you Crystal for this post! Nothing I said was stuff you didn't know already, yet I still felt guided to write it. Perhaps I was speaking to myself as well as to you.

We are strong and we will persevere!

Ugly? You? Nope, you are a fine and sweet wee gal

Anyway, I went through some violent storms myself, not only my ex, her whole family a bunch of biased and self indulgent people, not able to accept anyone outside their golden circle. But the first thing I learnt, it was not my fault. I did nothing wrong. And I am still a loveable person. Even if some scars are hard to heal. But I won't let them triumph.

Yup!
And I know it IS possible to have a great connection with a guy even though you have scars as I've experienced that with the last one. As long as you communicate it the right way. He was never bothered by it, but I never made it his problem either. In turn, he was of great support, came up with brilliant ideas if need be and so on. (He was into coaching professionally too, that helped).
So it is really possible to find a great guy even though you have 'scars'. As long as you are more than just that of course, and communicate it the right way when something is up.
Another woman on that other forum was also very happily married for 10 yrs now with a great guy, in spite of her scars from a narcissist.
Just so you know... Scars don't make you non-desirable and unlovable!

Goodness SC, I am sorry you had to suffer and are still suffering like that. My sister was with her narc for 10 years too, that was 2 years ago. Even after intense counselling, she still has nightmares every night of him.
It does not help that he stalks all of our family online still.
She is less trusting, less free and I doubt she will ever be healed, because how do you heal that sort of damage done to you?
I wish I could give you hope. Narcs simply change the person you were.

Oh, I keep doing PSes, hahaha. But yes, advising someone else to do something somehow always seems healing and helpful to yourself too!
That's why I love being able to talk about these things :) It's a relief to be able to tell it, then receive advice, but also find some healing by advising others.
I love how that works :)

I can tell you're upset :)
maybe there's a component of: being angry, confrontational, defensive even agressive are diametricly opposite to your mature,
which is : calm, reflective, intuitive etc,

and when conflicts occur, as they will inevitably, they disturb your equlibrium to a more pronounced degree.

he probably simply thinks "*****" and that's it.

You could make a ghost machine to drive them away If they are a real pain. :)
Easy to make.
take one subwoofer speaker and fit it to the end of an open ended length of plastic pipe. and play a sine wave of 17 hertz. And put the other end agaist his wall. especially effective at night

17 herts is infrasound on the very fringes of our hearing. makes people uneasy and they see ghosts :)

River's advice is goood too :) as usual :)