I was talking to a male friend last week (this has NOTHING to do with me...just someone I've known for years) who told me his wife says she just doesn't want to be married anymore.
I asked him..."to you?"
He said she said anybody...she'd just rather live alone..

Now, these 2 have been together for years, and here for the past couple years she's been kind of doing her own thing..
He claims she sayd she's not cheating...she just doesn't want a relationship with anyone anymore...just rather live alone..

What would you think if your partner said this?

I might *think* such a thing...but i would never say it..because it is hurtful..
Plus..if I had years invested in arelationship..and I was over 60, I think I'd just live with it..and we'd become like room mates.


P.S..what friends I *do* have are male (all several hundred miles away)..and all 3 of them talk to me about things, like I am an older sister...as I am a good sounding board..

If you haven't talked to her about it, you are only getting one side of the story. Are you also friends with your friend's wife? If not, why might that be?

If you are a secret from her, you might consider your friend is working you.
Could be, he is unhappy with her and is using you as a test to see what happens.

Consider someone who has been married for years, is near or into retirement age, has already gone thru menopause, wanting to be alone.
Something doesn't sound right?
Chances are there is a lot more to this than you are being told.
It takes two to create a relationship but it also takes two to destroy a relationship.
I doubt he is innocent in all this.

Lets say your friend is on the up & up.
His wife obviously doesn't love him now.
Her change will be hard on him, especially if he still loves her.
At the very least, it will change his life greatly.

If he's excited about the idea, chances are love is already gone between them.
If he's worried or concerned, chances are he still wants her.
Or, what she has to offer him.

No, something doesn't sound right.


While it could happen, its not likely.

I'd be careful with this. You might be being herded to a place you don't want to go.

See if she says she don't want to leave with anyone its mean she is distributed by someone and need a good friend with whom she can share. 2nd think is that she needs someone who can Show her the reality of relationship and life.?

Interesting! I have known a couple of older marrieds who decided to stop living together but remain married. Sometimes living together and the issues it creates just aren't worth it anymore. Same thing happens to social activities and intimacy. If a couple actually wants to explore ideas with an open mind, there are other ways to deal with it besides getting divorced. Ignoring the problem or having a closed mind to solutions does not solve anything. Eventually, those frustrations build up to where divorce is the only option left. When you accept the idea that not finding a solution equals getting divorced, you're much more willing to accept other ideas.

I have actually talked to her on the phone(last time in 2016)..she's glad he has me as a friend..because she says he has no friends (I know this, that's how we ended up being together in the first place some 25 years ago..)

My late husband talked to hm onbe day when he called...and he was fine with it..he knew he has a friend...he was in the recliner when i talked to him while i was on the sofa...as there was nothing to hide..

They've been married since 2005, I think..

I talk to him 3-4 times a year....she just goes and does her own thing...with her friends...

He was actually going to leave several years ago..then his brother (who drinks) burned the family house down because he passed out and dropped a cigarette..and bnow lives in a small efficiency apartment.
He'd also let the homeowners lapse....
So, there went his place to go...(some 400 miles away)

Then there's the whole hassel of sorting out who gets what..the dog and cats....selling the house.

I think it's more that they've just become like room mates...and the situation as it is is better than the alternative...
I know of several couples that agree to live as room mates, because they are comfortable in their life otherwise, and don't want to make all the changes..
(they don't have kids)

When my ex filed for divorce (in the 80's)...we had kind of that that point....
I would have stayed married to him..I knew him, i was su]sed to him...etc....
*Had* he not cheated a few times and wanted to marry this latetst one..

I had just lost my job a month after he decided to get divorced..and part of the deal was I could stay living there until I found a job, and therefore had money to get my own place..
I slept on the sofa...we were cordial to each other...
So, I know people do *that* too...

She 52....
She also started drinking some years back..I asked him did he have any idea why...as she heretofore had not done that..
I naturally figured she was unhappy/ depressed....since this hadn't been an issue previously (His dad was an alcoholic..as is his older brother...so he knows the signs to look for)
I rememeber him telling me he spent his childhood with an alcoholic, and didn't want to spend his old age with one..
(he won't even drink champagne on New Years,.because he knows that tendancy runs in his family).

She was actually starting to mss work because of it...he told her she needs to straighten up ot yhey'll fire her (she has a pretty good job..has for years)...
She said "I'm 52, I'll do what I want..don't tell me what to do.."
"
But, apparently they did call her in the office and talked to her..and she's stopped missing work...

I agree.
She obviously isn't getting something she feels she needs while being with him.

Although, people do some really crazy stuff for some really insane reasons.
Thing is, something changed.

I don't know...he's always been peculiar....maybe she just got tired of it?
You know how people like something about someone, or a hobby they have, inititally...and then as years go by it starts to get on your nerves?
I have heard of that happening..

While it could happen, its not likely.



Last time I talked to him...I specifically said I really can't advise him on what to do...(and don't want to tell him to leave, or stay...*he* needs to g]figure that out)

I'm merely a person to talk to....everyone needs that..

My question was merely why would someone say that...but not do anything to change the situation...
Just continue to live together in separate bedrooms, basically living separate lives.

I would probably want to know why they married me and what they feel changed, so we could work on it.

I think, in the case of marriage, counseling probably can aid in resolving problems. I am single and have days when I miss marriage, and days when I feel I wouldn't want to be 'bothered', so to speak. its all about what we continue to tell to ourselves. the more we tell ourself something, the deeper it becomes ingrained in our psyche.


Otherwise, everyone goes through good and bad periods, with family, with work, with marriage ... et cetera. It just takes recognizing what works and what doesnt, what you want and what work you are willing to put in to get it.

Happened to me after fifty years ,I took off and started a new life , on my own at the moment but would never have a full time partner again,

FWIW...one of the other male friends calls me whenever there is a health concern..some things of a rather *personal* nature.(as they know I have some medical background)..

I rememeber him telling me once he wouldn't even have shared this stuff with his wife (when they were married...they've been divorced for almost 10 years now...I din't know hom back then)

The moment he included you into his relationship problems it became 'something' to do with you.
Is he telling this to everyone he knows or is he confiding in you?
Why? (I really don't want to know but that would be what I would be asking myself in this situation)


I would have stopped him as soon as he started and told him to talk to his wife or a counselor, not me. I'm not married to her.
It would be absolutely none of my business.


You are obviously someone he feels he can trust with very personal information.
While this speaks volumes about your integrity it causes me to feel he is very desperate and feels out of control with his personal life.


People do and don't do for as many reasons as there are people.
Many people are very unsure of themselves and say things seeking validation.
Some people feel uncomfortable in themselves and say things to stir the pot or cause a reaction.
A lot of people are living their lives thinking reality is one thing but find out reality is actually something else. When the actual reality show thru, it crushes their spirit. They say and do things that make absolutely no sense to rational thinking.

There are people that think an relationship cannot end well.
They have always had bad breakups.
Then there are people that have healthy self-esteem and respect the person they were in a relationship with and decide rationally to go their own ways.
It doesn't end bad and both are better for the experience.

I shouldn't tell someone to stay or end their relationship with someone because it really isn't my business.
I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
I don't live behind their eyes.

I guess you missed that part where I said he has no friends...never really has?
(his one good male friend died in 1998..I rememeber how shaken he was by that..they'd known each other since 6th grade)

And this is not about judging someone for not having friends...there are a myriad of reasons why someone doesn't..Aspergers...ADHD...a strong introvert..

I also said I told him I can't really advise him...that would be wrong of me..

But I am not turniong my back on someone I have known for over 25 years when we have *always* been close/ shared confidences..
(more so him than me...I'm just not the type to share...I tend to be more of the clam up and don't talk about it type, unless I am in a relationship)
And my late husband never thought there was anything wrong with us talking...wasn't like we chatted every day...

Would you feel the same if this was a *female* friend that was telling me this/ confiding in me?
A friend is a friend, regardless of gender..

She drinking enough for it to have caused her an issue with her job.
They're sleeping separately and have for quite some time..
She's doing her own things with her female frinds..

Honestly?
He was finally diagnosed with some kind of thing a few years ago...Aspergers or ADHD or some such..(which explained a lot to me about how peculiar he was, as *I* am peculiar in the same way..I always thought hew had some kind of issue..I myself wasn't diagnosed until 2004).
And I think the fact he always has been a little odd and borderline neurotic (think Woody Allen) finally got to her.

I think they'll just continue on this way for a long time..
They are both too comfortable with things (aside from the relationship) to make any drastic change...

And I k ow for a *fact* there are a LOT of couples who essentially live separate lives...but stay together for whatever reason.

And, anyway..with all due respect..this isn't about whether one thinks him confiding in me is right or wrong..
My question was why would someone say they don't want to be married anymnore..to you or anyone else...?
And what are your thoughts as to why.

People do and don't do for as many reasons as there are people.
Many people are very unsure of themselves and say things seeking validation.
Some people feel uncomfortable in themselves and say things to stir the pot or cause a reaction.
A lot of people are living their lives thinking reality is one thing but find out reality is actually something else. When the actual reality show thru, it crushes their spirit. They say and do things that make absolutely no sense to rational thinking.
There are people that think an relationship cannot end well.
They have always had bad breakups.
Then there are people that have healthy self-esteem and respect the person they were in a relationship with and decide rationally to go their own ways.
It doesn't end bad and both are better for the experience.

Personally, I ended my 25 year marriage for personal reasons between her and I.
I assure you, it required a lot of thought before I made that decision but ultimately, it was my decision and nobody else's business but ours.
Plus, I have no friends by choice. So, I confided in nobody else. It was my decision because it is my life. The person she became was no longer the person I trusted and loved. My dedication and commitment to her broke.
The end.

I don't know.
It would depend on a lot of things.

I mean I don't even know if she's saying this because she wants to run away from relationships, or she wants to run towards being single.
IOW do relationships make her feel bad, or does the idea of being single make her happy? Or some combination, and what's the combination?


All sorts of reasons.
For all I know they've been thinking this for decades.

For all I know they're just mad and want to lash out and hurt me (or their partner or whatever), and tomorrow they'll come back and apologize and say they didn't mean it.


It would need far more context.
Might as well ask what Trump "really" meant when he texted "covfefe" and what would you think if your partner just said some random word and why they did so.

Reacting to the bold part.... me thinking "Really?" Do you think it will just be worth it to waste your life away because you're 'old'? Over 60 is still young, plenty of ppl in their 60s are very lively, healthy, eager to do things and so on. Men are often at the peak of their physical strength, strong as an ox.

Also, in your 60s you may still have 20 yrs to go. You are assuming a relationship would be friendly and okayish so you could live like brother and sister.
I know of someone who was very loving, warm, caring as a partner, yet also very old-fashioned, demanding, didn't allow his partner to participate in 'modern' things in live like having a smartphone, internet. Nor hang out and socialize with friends without him, and he didn't feel like socializing much. He was afraid he'd lose her to another man and that she wouldn't be smart or strong enough to withstand that.
She wasn't allowed to do her hair the way she wanted to (shortish) as he preferred longer hair. She couldn't dress the way she wanted to (very young at heart woman), and so on and so forth.
When he past away, she could breathe again. Of course she missed him, she loved him, they'd been together for a very long time.
But now she did have the freedom to do all the things she never could do when with him.

It's not always 'like brother & sister'. Sometimes it is very much worth it to go your separate ways, even when your in your 60s. If you can be happy for another 15-20 years or not so happy with the partner, what would you choose?
It's NEVER too late to make a new beginning.

I take it he wasn't the best of partners, which doesn't make him a bad man per say, maybe he was just very difficult like the man I mentioned. And people do tend to become more difficult with age...

Here is my 2 cents. She sounds depressed and that would explain the drinking and the reason she would prefer to be alone.

If he wants to continue the marriage, he needs to ask her some serious questions. If it is depression, she needs help.

Oh, this has been going on for quite a while..
I first heard of her starting to drink in 2016.

I believe they tried the counseling thing back several years ago when he was going to leave and go stay with his brother...but the brother burnt the house down (I explained this earlier)..
Things seemed to level out for a while...then, the drinking started..and it has been kind of iffy since..
Then she started with the she doesn't want to be married anymore.


I agree, JustBeHonest...if there's no family pattern/ history of drinking..and she just started doing it a few years ago..like I also said earlier...she's either depressed or unhappy..or both..

She's not gone gay (since quit being with him that way about 3 years ago), I asked..
She just said she doesn't want to be married anymore..to him or anyone...she'd be happier alone.

This was not the first marriage for either of them..
I don't know how long she was married before, or what the reason it broke up were...he didn't volunteer that, and I certainly never asked..
(I *do* know why his first marriage ended though..but, that's whole other story...LOL)

We've had a long, strange history....he played in a band (in the late 80's/ early 90's) with my *then* best friend (who also introduced me to my first husband)..
After that band split up...he was in the new version..I rememeber him showing me soome pictures..and I went "OMG...that's Lynn...!"
And told him how my ex had been her bass player..

Small world..

One thing I have said acouple times, and have run across in my conversations with people over the years..

There's people who for whatever reason are basically just room mates..they each do their own thing..but stay together for whatever reason...finances....habit....fear of change..

There's a LOT of women who are glad when the guy is gone (out of town...working..whatever), because they have "alone time/ time woth "the girls" or whatver..
Some I have even heard say he can stay gone for all they care..just as long as the checks keep coming..
I heard this quite frequently when I was working from women co-workers.

Then , I have run into a lot of women who *don't* want to be married anymore, again...for whatever reaspon..

Maybe it is more common than we think, but people don't say it to their partners directly.

I think I understand it. Not because I personally want to live alone, I just have worked on understanding why people come to what conclusions they come to. It's the central skill, or discipline that is at the very core of being an Historian.

One particular crystallization of an insight about this kind of thing, turned up in an Agatha Christie novel of all things. Her Hercule Poirot character was explaining to his sidekick, what the reasoning was behind a particular nutty bad guy they were trying to find. The sidekick was expressing exasperation about how hard it was to make sense of and thereby predict the behavior of an obviously insane person.

Poirot explained in turn, that crazy people DO make complete sense, it's just that they only make sense from INSIDE their crazy vision of the world.

I'm not suggesting she's mentally ill, though depression would very likely be the primary diagnosis of any therapist you involved. What I'm saying, is that from INSIDE of her present day conceptualization of the world she inhabits, not being married to anyone is a LOGICAL CHOICE for her to make.

The main suspicion that I would have, is that the logic she followed to arrive at that "solution" to her situation, went something along the lines that she had spent her first five decades trying to fulfill the common American story of adulthood, marriage to a reasonably fun mate, house, career, and so on. Having reached the stage of life (forties and fifties ARE the most common point at which human Americans stop and check to see if they are Doing Married Life Right) where she expected to have everything happily resolved, and finding she did not, she would look around at her options.

Look at her life right now, from inside, from what she sees. She is in a job where people tell her what to do, whether she sees the point of it or not; she's in a marriage where there are the usual expectations for her to fulfill, whether she feels any sense of purpose in them or not; and she doesn't see any indication that those things are going to change.

More than anything else, I'd bet that she wants to divest herself of OBLIGATIONS. That is the PRIMARY reason behind why almost every one of us bothers to stop being children, after all: we get the (false) idea that being a Grown Up means you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and so we work like crazy to get older, to get our own income, to get sex partners, to get toys, and so on.

Only to find again and again, that no matter what you do, being a "grown up" just isn't nearly as much of an accomplishment of freedom as anticipated.

Therefore, the best she can do, to get SOME sense that she's doing whatever she wants, is to arrange so that as few people as possible, have any call to tell her what to do. And the number one obligation she has to deal with, on a moment to moment basis, is an official MATE.

That's why trying to push her into therapy or any other "fix you" concepts, just makes things worse. It's trying to take someone who just wants to be left the hell alone, and telling them they are OBLIGATED to behave as though they have the same motivations and desires we are all SUPPOSED to have.