Someone said this should be a separate thread so here goes.

one of the things that frustrates me about single life is when well meaning people say cold hearted things like "just move on" " there are plenty of fish in the sea" or theirs millions of women out there.


No there are not millions of women out there for every guy.
I live in a big city (17th largest in America) we have a population of 854,113 souls living here in my city proper, sounds like a big number right?

well since I'm a straight male only just under half of those are women(slightly higher male population here) so lets say 400,000 or so are female, that still seems a big number? okay lets say 1/3 of that number is children since boomers are still the largest population and and those born after 2000 are a close second.
Well that leaves about 266,666 still a lot to work with right? okay, how many of those left are too old(and if you are a senior reverse it for still too young)? Now as far as age I will as a rule of thumb go about 15 years either direction, may push it to 25 depending on maturity if younger or how well they stayed in shape if older. their goes another half, so now we are at 133,333 well there is still a lot to work with right?

But wait, how many of those women are married or in a relationship? statistically around 50.2% of adults are married and factor in those who are living together or currently in relationships it's most likely closer to 70%, so that leaves 39,999 okay of that how many don't have young children living with them?
Well According to the U.S. Census Bureau's Population Survey, in 2014, 47.6 percent of women between age 15 and 44 had never had children(I went back 3 years for this stat because the 15's are 18 now and the 44 is now 47 so it seems less creepy). so lets say 30% of 39,999 have children under 13?

Remove them and 27,999 is whats left. now out of that how many are going to be your type? in other words have the mix of hobbies and interests that you are also into? what if the things you are into are not in the mainstream or not popular among the opposite sex? what if most of the stuff you enjoy only 10% of the opposite sex are into and unless you only have 1 interests maybe 2% of your pool may share all or at least most of them. now you are down to 559.98 ok still a big number or seems so though that number may be false because how many of that 559 were really eliminated in one of the earlier deductions for already being in a relationship? because before now I was speaking simple of raw numbers of women, narrowing down by the basics, saving specifics for last so again over half of that number may not be single at the same time you are, plus half of that may have already been struck out having young children. so so now your down to 139, of them how many have you, a friend or family member already dated? when I go on dating sites and use my custom search I am seeing the same women over and over on all the apps and sites with maybe a few new ones every several months. in the last 17 years I have talked to 100 or so gone out with half that so subtract that and you have 89 all the way down from 854,113, 89 that I would have to find just one of them in a sea of 400,000 women in a radius of 349.2 square miles.

So you see when one finds what he is looking for or at least most of it, someone he would not have to change, it's hard to just move on because it means back to the grueling search.

I think your title got cut off. I see a lot of that here. It makes it seem as though you were saying that it's cruel to move on, but I'm sure you were trying to say it's cruel to dismiss people by telling them to move on, as though it's a simple matter to do so.

Anyway. I completely agree with your analysis of why it's a LOT harder to find a mate, even in a supposedly "target rich" environment, than some realize. Especially for someone who is more thoughtful and detailed about what they want or need in a mate.

But I don't think that a shortage of new potential mates is any reason NOT to move on.

In my thinking, the idea of "moving on" really only comes up when one recognizes that an existing relationship is functionally over. It's as logical and necessary as accepting that the car that was stolen and turned into junk, rather than staring at the empty driveway and wishing it were never gone.

But the fact that such a person NEEDS to move on, certainly doesn't make it easy to do so. It is a bit rude to tell someone that giving up on love altogether is a simply matter of wiping something off with a tissue and getting back to the party, and worse, it's flat out false.

In all situations of lost love, there are lessons each person has to learn, and they are rarely simple and obvious lessons. Each person will have different amounts of time, and different additional experiences that they have to go through, in order to learn them.

So "moving on" isn't always entirely within our individual control. Only WILLINGNESS to do so, is up to us.

It complete horse sh** that women get tons of messages every day"..
Maybe younger women do (I am 57)..
Maybe most of those "tons" are scammers..

I have tried a profile (other sites) with just a picture and no profile (to see if it was the content of my profile).....
With a profile, no picture...(to see if it was my looks)

Neither one resulted in "tons of messages"..

Also, as mortalez said:
" I am seeing the same women over and over on all the apps and sites with maybe a few new ones every several months."

I saw the *same* guys on the pay sites that were on the free sites....so I figure why pay to be ignored...same dudes on the free sites...

*My* opinion on it is...
If all the people who ~aren't~ looking for a partner (date, long twerem, mnarriage..whichever) would get off the dating sites.....
If the married and cheating people would get off the dating sites (there are several sites *just* for cheaters)...
If the people who are just on those sites to f**k with people because thwey are bored, argue with them, tell them what's wrong with them..

Maybe then those of us who are sincerely putting in effort to meet someone compatible and of quality *could* do that..

I know 4 people personally (3 guys, one woman) who have been on dating sites for several years..
I've known these people for years..not a da** thing wrong with them....
And *they* aren't having much luck either..
(we exchange stories)

Of course, if *your* expereince is different...if you get "tons" of messages from good and interesting and possibly compatible people...and you *personally* know people who have had success...oh well..good on 'em...

Cheers, namaste..and all that...

It's harder fr some people to move on from a broken Relationship than it is for others. Online dating is not the best for finding good dates, no matter what Your age or gender. Imo

I leave my options open outsite of a computer match. I am active in my life and get out meet people. I ve had nice activity partners, not dates but better than some dates. Women have.

Anyway, I don't tell others to move on , but I do.

I too get out and have a social life. 90+% of the women in my social circle are married or otherwise attached. I go to music events, dances, plays, community functions, and necessary shopping. I'm always watching for someone I might like to meet and an opportunity to pursue a conversation. I consider myself fortunate if I have a conversation with someone new and interesting in person once a month and most of the time they end up attached.. I don't know where all these available single women are but our paths certainly do not cross!!

Ya can't move on, if ya don't let go.

May seem cold and insensitive.
But it's true.

It's easy go mpve on.

unless they have your car keys.

mortalez, you put way too much thought into this. Why?

I understand your frustration.
Been there / done that

I think I agree with IgorFrankensteen on the real issue you face which is being able to "move on".

I had to find my own contentment again after a 25 year marriage.
It was pretty hard and very depressing and all the bullcr*ap involved with finding the right person just added to my depression.

I found my contentment by taking a real hard look at the reality and removing all the delusions I had about how life is "supposed" to be.
Then I looked at my own self-esteem and started working on fixing it.
What I figured out is that I had everything I needed to 'be' and sorted everything out.
It seemed to take forever!

Once you remove all the delusions you built and figure out that only you live behind your eyes it gets easier to find contentment.
Little stuff doesn't bother you as much and you can recognize the good things that happen everyday.
When you find your personal contentment the search for the right person gets easier and your confidence is attractive.
Ratios and statistics are still there but they have less of an impact on your contenment.

I look at the search as a search for ONE person that is that something special. I focus on my preferences and my desires and patiently wait for someone that shares my view.
Then I go meet them and see how they exist to figure out if how she exists aligns with how I exist.
Since I am only looking for ONE woman, the numbers and ratios have no bearing on my contentment.
I am also fully able to remain alone and since I now like myself, not a big deal.

Most of the women I have met are liars. It doesn't mean all women are liars. I just haven't met one yet.
The woman I am currently seeing also lies but she also communicates well. We have so far, been able to communicate and deal with it reasonably. She knows she doesn't have to lie to me.
Since our talk, if she does lie to me again, she will be bye-bye and I will return to my search for ONE woman.

I find most statements of advice that start with the word 'just' are a bit condescending and a lot over simplified.


'just do it'
'just move on'
'just get over it'
'just let it go'
'just get a job'
'just leave him/her'


people have hearts and minds that 'just' don't function in such black and white space

THIS ^

Or...they've never expereinced a disppointment, difficulty, or tragedy in their life, and instead of offering "advice" or opinionating..they should get down on their kness and thank whatever deity they belive in that they have been so blessed...

Two things...

First...
"I look at the search as a search for ONE person that is that something special. I focus on my preferences and my desires and patiently wait for someone that shares my view."

That's what *I* am doing...and yet guys message me to tell me I am a "picky bit**"...or "good luck finding someone, you'll need it.."..or, worse things..
Never mind they were not in ~any~ way compatible with me....so, why the he** do they even care what I am looking for/ want?
Are they *that* desperate?

Secondly...
Your comment about women being liars ..
(and, thank you for stating that not all women are liars)

*I* have found that when someone lies..it's because of a lack of communication (people not being clear about what they want/ what they've been doing), deferred needs (faked orgasms come to mind..), or feeling pushed into a corner (usually because they weren'tr truthful to 8start with*)..

If it's something the do frequently, with abandon..then I can't speak to that..
But, the times *I* have known someone was lying/ caught them in a lie..it was due to one of those above reasons...

If they are just a shi**y person, well....that's a whole different matter..

Sorry your lady friend is exhibiting such behaviour this early, but...hey...at least you are aware of it *now*...before things got further along, eh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Most men lie whether Online or Off. Mostly Online because they hide behind a Computer, until you meet in person for a Real date. Then a woman can tell which lies would be Destructive to going forward to any relationship.

IMO

I was about to post something similar to this.

When people do this, they are blatantly dismissing your own personal feelings. It doesn't **appear** to be rude, it actually IS rude. That's because they don't want to be bothered wasting their own time to validate your feelings before giving any advice. They just want to extract themselves from the topic. They don't care about what emotional or psychological damage it may cause you. They are only thinking about themselves, not you.

There is an appropriate time to say stuff like this though -- when someone needs a shock to open their eyes. That's where the tricky part comes in.

For instance, let's say you haven't dated for 3 years because you're still moping and pining over your ex-girlfriend. This would be a case where you need a shock to snap you out of it.

Feelings and emotions often need validation from other people. Holding them in, or having others ignore or dismiss your emotions often just makes the situation worse. But in instances like the example above, validation may only enable the person to continue sulking indefinitely.

But other than that, having emotions ignored or dismissed - especially rudely - is akin to being allowed to have no voice, feeling invisible. It's a recipe for confrontation. People generally don't like being ignored.



I agree. It's one of my pet peeves that I'm constantly biting my tongue on.

The part in bold italics is the true elephant in the room on Mingle....not the scammers and spammers.

Trust me, I've found the scammers and spammers on every dating site I've been on - Match, POF, Chemisty, SingleParentsMeet, Zoosk, OkCupid, etc. They just go with the territory.

But the people who aren't looking, who linger around, telling everyone that online dating doesn't work, or how they've given up on looking, or how they found someone somewhere else, etc. ad nauseaum....those are the people that make new members who are sincerely looking for someone choose to avoid the forums.

Hundreds of men come and go on Mingle2. Most of the ones I have messages from know nothing of any Forums . Relationships are formed starting with dates. This Site is not geared for that.

And several of these Men are Real not fake. But they live in New York and way North miles from me.

Dating sites: There are social sites like Mingle and Facebook. there are relationship/marriage sites, there are sugar sites, and there are hook up sites but, alas, there are NO dating sites that I have been able to find!!

Been there /done that too but concerning women.
I learned not to give them any power over my contentment.
People tend to be narcissistic without even realizing it.
That's the only rational explanation I can offer to explain their behavior.


For the most part that could be true but she admitted to me that she lied because she was afraid. So we should add lying as a defensive/preservation to the motives.
My X was a compulsive liar. She lies so much she doesn't even know the difference between lies and reality.

I think everyone tells little white lies from time to time. The lying that I won't tolerate are the ones that affect the relationship and the trust needed to maintain a relationship.

I am also against supporting lies. If she were to lie about what we did Friday night I would immediately say no and tell the real story. My X hated when I did that.
This type of lying is evident with personalities that suffer from low self-esteem or excessive narcissism. Both conditions also manifest in other ways.

I don't need to lie anymore. My self-esteem doesn't hinge on what others think of me.

Keyword there is Personal. If the feelings are personal they should not hinge on other's approval and other's disapproval should also have no significance.

This is common in people that have low self-esteem or tend to be narcissistic.
Its very difficult in today's world to actually be comfortanle in your own skin.
But, it can be done.


If all the people who ~aren't~ looking for a partner (date, long twerem, mnarriage..whichever) would get off the dating sites.....

This is narcissistic in nature.
Its like saying that everyone needs to do as I say.
Its trying to make a public collection of people behave as you determine.
If it were a rule of Mingle 2, It would not exist.
But, since it is common on all dating sites, its just the nature of the beast.

If you don't believe in the same God as I do, you're wrong.
Same thing.
If all people on the sites I frequent would just stop believing in their God, it would be much easier for me to participate in discussions.
See what I mean?

The reality is, there are all types of people on the internet and all types of reasons for some of those people to be on dating sites.
You can deny the reality and substitute it with a delusion but it doesn't change the actual reality.
To understand this, gives one contentment.
You concentrate on the ones that fit and dismiss all the rest.

That's because you can't actually 'date' over a tcp/ip connection.
What you can do is use the site as a tool to find someone you might actually date.
The actual 'date' happens in person.

I am not referring to quasi-social sites like Mingle..

I am referring to legit, bonafied datimng sites like POF, Match, eHarmony..etc...

If you are not into kink, or fetishes..WHY would you be on FetLife?
If you are not onto cheating....why would you be on AshleyMadison?

Certain sites are for a stated purpose....dating sites bieing one..
I have a reasonable expectaion that the other people *also* on a dating site are there for that purpose...

Much like I would expect anyone who joined FetLife to have a particular kink or fetish they really enjoy and want to find someone who *also* is into it...

Just like I wouldn't join a site for "Furries", or Gamers...unless that was something *I* was into and wanted to meet others into the same thing..

I wouldn't go on a Furry or Gamer site and say "where are all the non-furries/ gamers?"
It is a site *FOR* them...

Ergo: dating sites...
There are TONS or just "social" sites...
If you are not interested in meeting someone, dating, possible long term...then stay on *those* sites...