Rejection HURTS. We all hate it . But maybe we could heal a lot faster if we manage our expectations better.

Nobody is obligated to like you, talk to you or date you no matter how wonderful you are.

You are not obligated to like anyone else either.

It is okay for you to reject others if you are NOT attracted to them, and it is okay for them to reject you, because the dating world is based on PREFERENCE, not obligation.

Rejection doesnt make you or someone else a jerk, anymore than rejecting an item at the grocery and buying another item, makes you a jerk or the item you rejected as bad.

Too many people wear rejection like a t-shirt with curse words on it, giving off vibes of anger, self pity or defeat before they even speak.

Do you know a lot of people like that?

Yes, I do. I look at him everyday in the mirror. The reflection of defeat, and anger is apparent to me all the time.
Not from rejection of other people, but annoyances from other people that I personally have no control over. There's where the defeat and anger brood in me.

Ohh and I know someone will say, "just get over it".

I would if it were just that simple for me, but it's not.

I try to avoid people like that.

But I do see them on here every day.

No, don't really know ppl like that, and if I do come across them, I avoid them. They don't add anything to my life, a have no need for ppl who revel in self-pity.

I do think it's a learning curve, so I don't mean my words to be harsh or judgemental. I think most of us have been down that road at some point in life. But the way I see it is that at some point you learn and understand it's isn't about you, it's not personal.
Then you grow and evolve. Many linger on that road for a long time though. I avoid such ppl... different vibration, doesn't resonate with me.

From my particular narcissistic viewpoint (the only one that matters anyway)....brilliant title.

I can only speak for myself scoob, but I have never heard you blame other people for the chalenges in your life. I've never even heard you wallow in self-pity either.

But I can tell you that there are days when we ALL feel sorry for ourselves and engage in finger pointing. I consider that being human, but thats not the same thing as living in that energy every single day .

And I have to say, I never got that toxic vibe from you

I do wonder sometime if the online dating world attracts alot of that toxic energy or if it just provides the biggest platform for it.

That should have been the OP question, come to think of it.

Its just like what I was telling scoob-
Passing through phases of that toxic energy is not the same as living in it, BEING human is not the same thing as PLAYING the victim

It just amazes me how many get mad cause they were rejected regardless what it was for if you don't appeal to them within looks, body, smoker, drinker, age ect then why in the hell would they even want to be with that person??

Many I know carry their feelings on their sleeve. Sure it is a disappointment getting rejected~~~ But... we do not appeal to everyone regardless how much we feel we can offer...

Quit selling yourself short there is someone out there that will love/like you for who you are not who they want you to be~~~ Or some wild imagination of how someone should have all the qualities they want.. It is their bad if it is over something small.. But if it is something they could not deal with why would anyone want to put themselves in a position knowing they could never measure up to that persons expectations.

Those that continue to whine about getting rejected honestly is a total turn off for many.. Gives one more reason they will get rejected....

Myself those that whine about every little thing I avoid like the plague~~~~~~~

Thanks Beach!

Luckily most of the forum regulars , including you and I have very healthy egos so this post is not applicable to us on most days

Hi Lu :)

Like I told Beach, most of the forum regulars , including you and I have very healthy egos so this post is not applicable to us on most days

I couldnt agree with you more kristi, and you see so much of that mentality online!

I will ask you the same thing I asked Motown.


Does the online dating world attract alot of that toxic energy?

Or does it just provide the biggest platform for it?

when you think of it..online dating takes very little effort. It does not take combing your hair, tucking in your shirt, checking to see if you have bad breath before approaching someone to try to strike up a conversation.How easy it it then to just turn on your computer or phone and try your hand at messaging a gaggle of people that you may have not had the nerve to approach in person
with this anonymity and ease of access also comes bravado..the arm chair keyboard warrior types that say things online that they might think but not really say in real life

in answer to your question, yes I think it does open the doors to all types including those that are misogynistic, abusive, angry, and carry around resentment and hostility from past relationships

therefore there's pain.
everyone handles pain differently.
responds to it differently.
pain shapes people differently.


there's a catch 22 in there.
communication requires feedback, meaning expectations are partially dependent upon what the other person is communicating.

so basically, from my perspective, what you are saying here is "maybe we could heal a lot faster if communication was better from the start!"

good luck with that.


you kind of are, at least in a society or culture with christian roots.
at the very least you have to act like it.
acting like it communicates the idea that it is genuine.
"say please and thank you! santa's talking to you, what do you say to him? put your best foot forward. always smile at job interviews. if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. follow the golden rule. be nice at parties and shake their hand. if you get an email, it's polite to respond."
there are all sorts of examples in basic socialization of having to like people or at the very least pretend you do for the sake of the social contract.

you are socially trained, and thereby obligated, to communicate "friendliness" to people.

expectations are based on consistent communicated behavior.
the only way to "manage" expectations meaningfully online is to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever.

having no expectations whatsoever means you will never know the proper way to respond to someone, never know what's going on, never be secure in what they're saying or you're saying, always so focused on your own expectations and possibly trying to figure out theirs, that you will misunderstand what is actually being said.


the how and why you're being rejected can easily contain reasons that make them a "jerk."


people that have experienced pain and come up with their own defense mechanisms to protect and maintain their emotional and mental health?
Yes.
Lots.
I'd say pretty much everyone I've ever met.

I agree with tmommy,
I also found when I was on Facebook (not any more ) whilst chatting to someone I'd often be waiting for a reply during a conversation. why?
Because people have several conversations going on at the same time!
I found this rude to be honest.

[
when you think of it..online dating takes very little effort. It does not take combing your hair, tucking in your shirt, checking to see if you have bad breath before approaching someone to try to strike up a conversation.How easy it it then to just turn on your computer or phone and try your hand at messaging a gaggle of people that you may have not had the nerve to approach in person
with this anonymity and ease of access also comes bravado..the arm chair keyboard warrior types that say things online that they might think but not really say in real life


I really like the time for formulating responses and editing options if I sound like a total jerk on the first try.

Makes sense Tmom, and ofcoure the rejection rate ,online is a hundred times higher than in real life , which probably only heightens the negativity . Thats a tough one :(

Me too beach, but do you think it has an effect on our ability to communicate face to face?
Maybe not so much now but in the future?
It's like those moments of silence on a first date but online you can have a wee, make a coffee pick your nose or anything and they are non the wiser

also there tends to be lack of self awareness..disinterest in directing any of that questioning towards oneself..how many times have we seen profiles that are not filled out, lack of pictures, do not talk about their hobbies, interests and have forgotten the art of conversation but yet can angry when they do not receive instant gratification