I have noticed that when I am actively pursuing career, educational goals, and hobbies I am passionate about , not to mention sustaining nurturing friendships, that other people's offenses don't bother me that much .

Heck...There have been times when I felt like my world was falling apart and I would spent a weekend at a beach house or guest room by myself just sleeping and taking in nature and i would feel equipped to take on the whole world afterward!!!

Is it possible that much of the unhappiness that we feel towards our partner may very well be more an issue of dissatisfaction within ourselves and maybe other parts of our lives that we have been neglecting?

No one enters a relationship to be unhappy, but do you think that we depend too much on our partners for our happiness?

I think it is important for each individual to have their own interests, separate and apart from the other. And to have a couple of common interests to do together.
No one should rely on another someone for happiness. Happiness comes from within - be at peace with yourself. Peace & Love, Peace & Love.

think that people have these implied rather than spoken expectations

whether they admit them or not..that this significant person in your life


is supposed to be doing:

___________

__________

___________

___________

___________

for me at all times

and if he is not

then I have every right as a woman to be angry, hostile and miserable to him

Hi Peggy

I think that If you let others control how happy you are, you’ll get hurt in the long run. By letting people decide how happy you are, you give away the most basic control of yourself to people that may or may not turn out to be good for you, or even responsible enough to be trusted with your happiness...

your correct no one person can be all-things to one person...here

goes ladies the most important to most guys is '' he must feel good

about himself when he is with you'' and for the most part I believe

the same is good for the ladies...... its like a couple is

its own mutual admiration society......

Mutual Admiration Society


most definitely !!!


question is why does this tend to be true in the beginning and then backslides over time..



1. is it because each half of this relationship..the individual is unhappy with parts of his or her own life that have nothing to do with their partner?

OH! I like that term! MAS..lol

I think that 'complacency' is a culprit for the backslide.

happy is choice we make based our favorite feelings and beliefs

about ourselves and others...

there are only four kinds of people ( life positions )

1-I'M O.K.- YOUR NOT O.K.

2-I'M NOT O.K.- YOUR O.K.

3-I'M NOT O'K' - YOUR NOT O.K.

4-I'M O.K. - YOUR O.K.


MOST PEOPLE ARE IN THE FIRST 3, THATS WHY SO MANY FAILED

RELATIONSHIPS.... ONE WAY TO BEAT THE ODDS GET OUT AND

NETWORK, MEET AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN THE MORE FRIENDS YOU MAKE

AND THE MORE FRIENDS THEY HAVE IS SURE TO HELP....

uh ya that would be Thomas Harris on TA


not saying it's bad advice just not your creation


hate it when no one credits the source

I WILL REMEMER THAT, THANKS....

I totally agree Rusty Kitty.

I used to think that there had to be a 50/50 balance between your own personal interests versus the interests shared with your mate, but now I think one or two shared interests with a mate is actually quite sufficient, especially if one of the shared interests is having a stimulating conversation together.

When you can talk about a variety of stimulating topics, somehow almost anything you do together, or anywhere you go together can be fun.

As for happiness with yourself, it's a tricky thing isn't it?

We could be engaged in a very stimulating life as a single person, but what is it about being in a relationship that makes us lean so heavily on our partners for our happiness?

We could be having the most amazing day and one argument with our partner can catapult us into the darkest head space until the argument is resolved.

I always wonder about that ...

I think if you were truly happy on your own and get unhappy when you're in a relationship, that maybe you
1 found the wrong one for you
2 change yourself for your partner (not by his doing, but your own. If he's the one wanting it, No 1 goes --> wrong partner)

I know I am happy, strong, independent, stand on my own to feet, can handle life really well. But when it comes to a partner, I'm a wuss...
I always gave up things too easily (not cos he asked me too, it's just something I used to do), tended to try and please him etc etc etc.
So basically losing myself in a relationship, which of course caused me to start to feel increasingly unhappy. Then you blame them, but all the while it's your own doing.

That's the biggest lesson I have learnt from 2 relationships, to never ever do that again.
It does concern me a tad though, cos I know I am a very giving person. So in a way I am a bit scared of making that same mistake again, although I highly doubt it.

And to be honest, I think this exact thing is what most single ppl fear, deep down ...

I understand what you are saying Tmommy, but what if you are expecting your partner to do something they are incapable of.

For example, like most women, I really need a compassionate ear sometimes just to listen to me while I vent. My last boyfriend was incapable of it . His way of showing support was by giving advice or physically stepping in to assist me, which most of the times I didn't need.

His care was genuine, but he wasnt capable of expressing that care in the way that I needed.

What is there are other things we are expecting of our mates or they are expecting of us that neither of us are capable of doing.

When I realised that it wasn't his personality to listen compassionately like I needed, I started depending more on my female friends to do that, because he was good at other ways of demonstrating love ie messaging me throughout the day, assisting me, my friends and family without even being asked etc.

Up to now , I am not sure if I should have ended the relationship because he couldn't meet that need or if I did the wise thing by getting that need met elsewhere and releasing him from the pressure of being someone who he was not.

You've started down a potentially rewarding thought stream there. But I have some alternate suggestions.

Mainly, I think it's a matter of clarity within your own thought processes and feelings. Do the work that you need to, to correctly identify what it is you think, as distinct from what you heard from someone else that you SHOULD think, and what you actually feel, as opposed to some movie version of life you saw when you were eight or whatever.

You are completely on the mark, that it's common for people to feel angry or frustrated, and shift the focus from themselves to someone else, often the one closest to them. I do that, though I almost always blame inanimate objects for my own errors.

The next mistake you DON'T want to make, is to knee-jerk blame YOURSELF, as a be all catch all.

Take the time, and do the work to correctly identify what you feel and think, and why you do.

It's well worth it.

so true.. you are so wise!
We women tend to do that..we cater.. we lose ourself and blame them..

This is something I ask myself often Tmommy.

In many of these threads, people keep on referring to love as a feeling or emotion .

If that is the case, then people will no longer love their partners once that 'feeling" is gone.

But the tricky part about feeling , is that what if the feeling that you think you have lost in the relationship is actually a feeling you have lost within yourself for your life?

What if you are expecting your partner to manufacture feelings of love and happiness in you when the problem is that you are disconnected from yourself or other parts of your life?

When people are feeling uncentered or unfulfilled in their life , we become so much more needy for validation from our mate, and I am thinking that such neediness can become quite burdensome to one's mate especially if they are going through an uncentred time in their life simultaneously.

I wonder if we carefully assessed our lives and our partner's lives outside of the relationship, lives eg career, health, hobbies, friendships, spiritual fulfilment etc ...would we still hold our partners responsible for our unhappiness to the degree that we often do?

I love the idea of a mutual admiration society, but I personally think that in a long term relationship, both parties rack up a huuuuuuuuuuge list of offenses between them.

And from what I observe, people within a relationship often focus on the list of offenses rather than the lifetime of courtesies and kindness , which are often taken for granted :(

I agree.

Complacency and maybe not being mindful of the positive attributes in our partners.

It's only natural to acknowledge our partner's flaws, but it's sooooo easy to overlook the virtues and daily contributions of our partners , when we are focused on their offenses.

I think both men and women are often guilty of that

Hi Lu!

I totally agree with you

We should never give anyone else power over our happiness. That's sooooo dangerous.

The funny art is that I don't think we are always aware when we are doing it . :(

I believe all relationships can be different peggy...
just what is going on in your life at the time ...
that's all ... and some just want a women becouse they want a family and some men want to be able to take care of the women ... an not the psycho kind that are control freaks ...the ones that genially love you ... and really don't care how smart you may be not that their not smart ... but have a career after the family has been raised ... but if you have all of that now like you ... you have to find a man who can compromise and understand ... that it is not all about family right now ... and their out there ... some men don't want to have to be the one paying all the bills or for all the dates to start ... they want equal equality... then some are old fashion also ... all about the age and where your at in your life ... also some men might be intimated by you ...