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| Topic: Depending On Our Mate For Happiness? | |
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think that people have these implied rather than spoken expectations whether they admit them or not..that this significant person in your life is supposed to be doing: ___________ __________ ___________ ___________ ___________ for me at all times and if he is not then I have every right as a woman to be angry, hostile and miserable to him I understand what you are saying Tmommy, but what if you are expecting your partner to do something they are incapable of. For example, like most women, I really need a compassionate ear sometimes just to listen to me while I vent. My last boyfriend was incapable of it . His way of showing support was by giving advice or physically stepping in to assist me, which most of the times I didn't need. His care was genuine, but he wasnt capable of expressing that care in the way that I needed. What is there are other things we are expecting of our mates or they are expecting of us that neither of us are capable of doing. When I realised that it wasn't his personality to listen compassionately like I needed, I started depending more on my female friends to do that, because he was good at other ways of demonstrating love ie messaging me throughout the day, assisting me, my friends and family without even being asked etc. Up to now , I am not sure if I should have ended the relationship because he couldn't meet that need or if I did the wise thing by getting that need met elsewhere and releasing him from the pressure of being someone who he was not. 
most men tend to be problem solvers so when we voice something that is aggravating us...such as a moody co-worker or something your sister said on the phone.. he may immediately put on his Mr. Fix-it hat and try to listen and give you solutions and advice on how to fix it or change it not understand you really just needed to vent I would agree that it is about balance in all things about being pro-active in your own life realizing what parts of your life may be causing you unhappiness or feelings of discontent and then changing what you need to change instead of expecting that another human being is going to fill up the voids in your own life or somehow " make it all better' when the things that are aggravating you are yours alone to change 
Yep. We need to take responsibility for what we have the power to chance but also need to discern when our partners are incapable of being some of the things that we need them to be. If they can't, and they are unable to compensate sufficiently in other fundamental areas of the relationship, then some difficult decisions have to be made I guess. 
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Do I think we depend on our partners too much for happiness? Those who pick partners that do not like them, who suffocate them, who only lust for them in the beginning and then forget the romance or are so selfish themselves they can not compromise and nurture the partner they do pick so the relationship survives and thrives probably are depending on the partner too much. It is like expecting a kleenex to keep you dry in a rainstorm. But if you pick someone who does love you and cherish you and who is willing to give when it isn't so fun and you are willing to do the same in return it really is not that hard to be happy. Delirious, jump up and down on the sofa, curl your toes even when you are slugging through hard times together HAPPY. And another cornerstone to a HAPPY LIFE is taking responsibility for your own happiness and making it easy for a partner to support it NOT be saddled with CREATING it. Sorry even the dream partner is still not a Super Hero 24/7. The rub with being that inter dependent on someone is the cost is really high when something really bad like death or some insurmountable issue comes up that neither of you are prepared for. Loosing a partner you are not that wild about is recoverable but when you lose a partner you have entwined your life and self in is the worst beating you can take and a big risk. I know women who are not ill treated by their husbands in any way and are well cared for, and they do feel love and devotion for their mate, but no passion or excitement. There is a contentment they feel in having someone to grow old with. Thats not the relationship I want but I think my friends are at peace with it , which I respect. And there is always the risk of losing a mate that you love . My mom went through it with my deceased dad, so I relate to what you said. But my mom has no regrets about it. She and my dad had an amazing marriage :) |
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I think sometimes we confuse satisfaction or fulfillment with happiness. Though they are both factors in happiness, for me to feel happy I need to also feel content and some degree of elation. Because we've evolved to be interdependent, most of us need to have some level of connection with others to be consistently happy. I can attest to relationships with close family and a friend providing a certain level of happiness. Then there are those moments of happiness when we're overwhelmed by the beauty of someone or something. But, there's something uniquely special about the kind of happiness that only a mate can evoke. That's why most of us devote so much energy to making that connection. I definitely agree that the happiness that a mate evokes is very special but , but what a lot of people dont know is that as with all worthwhile things in life, there is a high cost attached or maybe I should say a heavy investment :) I also think that fufilment is the anchoring force in our lives . Maybe fulfilment could be a primary goal and happiness a secondary one? 
Like with everything in this life, happiness is a spectrum. Echoing what others have said; each persons maximum happiness potential resides at the balance point along the scale that equals them. Fulfillment is an anchoring force. Sometimes it's such a strong anchoring force that it docks the ship in familiar waters and holds back the voyage of exploration and discovery. That voyage can be treacherous and definitely requires investment, we just have to decide if we think the risk is worth the potential reward.
Well said John! 
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Depending On Our Mate For Happiness?
Is only a problem/bad when you see a mate or relationship solely having that as its value. do you think that we depend too much on our partners for our happiness?
No. I think some people expect their mate to provide constant emotional stimulation they take to mean happiness too much. happiness with yourself, it's a tricky thing isn't it?
Only if you expect it to be an absolute. Like once you achieve it then it never goes away, or once achieved it's easily replicated if it fades, or once it fades it can be repolished to what it was. what is it about being in a relationship that makes us lean so heavily on our partners for our happiness?
IMO the only people that lean so heavily on their partners for their happiness are those that hold happiness as the value or purpose of their life. what if the feeling that you think you have lost in the relationship is actually a feeling you have lost within yourself for your life?
Then it's a good thing you have a partner that knows you and can help you figure it out. As no one else on the planet is going to ever give as big a crap about you and your emotional quandaries as your parents or your partner. And you will always be your own worst enemy. What if you are expecting your partner to manufacture feelings of love and happiness in you when the problem is that you are disconnected from yourself or other parts of your life?
Again, then it's a good thing you have a partner that knows you and can help you figure out which it is, as no one else is going to give a crap beyond a certain level of convenience or exploitative opportunity. if we carefully assessed our lives and our partner's lives...would we still hold our partners responsible for our unhappiness to the degree that we often do?
Yes. It's human nature to avoid things that make us look "bad," our faults, and to seek scapegoats and mitigating circumstances. We as human beings have so many categories of needs
Not really. We as human beings have few needs that we use many different categories to communicate and understand that those few needs have been fulfilled. A lot of people don't understand what they truly need only feel what they desire so don't understand when they've been fulfilled. No different than having hunger and being faced with many different restaurants to choose from. Some people are hungry and demand their partner are gourmet chefs capable of cooking chinese food, italian, american, mexican, tex mex, japanese, etc. when one has crossed the line of mutual compromise, and entered the danger zone of losing yourself?
How do you know when you have crossed that line? Assuming you care that you've crossed the line: from the perspective of others giving you clues as to how your behavior and attitude is perceived, potentially allowing you to perceive yourself differently, possibly pushing you into seeing yourself more objectively or from another persons perspective. Agreed with everything except the last part. Allowing another person's perspective of you to broaden your perspective of yourself, should not be at the expense of loosing parts of your central identity |
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I have noticed that when I am actively pursuing career, educational goals, and hobbies I am passionate about , not to mention sustaining nurturing friendships, that other people's offenses don't bother me that much . Heck...There have been times when I felt like my world was falling apart and I would spent a weekend at a beach house or guest room by myself just sleeping and taking in nature and i would feel equipped to take on the whole world afterward!!! Is it possible that much of the unhappiness that we feel towards our partner may very well be more an issue of dissatisfaction within ourselves and maybe other parts of our lives that we have been neglecting? No one enters a relationship to be unhappy, but do you think that we depend too much on our partners for our happiness? I believe all relationships can be different peggy... just what is going on in your life at the time ... that's all ... and some just want a women becouse they want a family and some men want to be able to take care of the women ... an not the psycho kind that are control freaks ...the ones that genially love you ... and really don't care how smart you may be not that their not smart ... but have a career after the family has been raised ... but if you have all of that now like you ... you have to find a man who can compromise and understand ... that it is not all about family right now ... and their out there ... some men don't want to have to be the one paying all the bills or for all the dates to start ... they want equal equality... then some are old fashion also ... all about the age and where your at in your life ... also some men might be intimated by you ... I totally agree with you mystical that our ability to mutually meet each other's needs is vital in contributing to our sense of happiness and fulfilment. I am digging a bit deeper though. We are human beings have so many categories of needs including emotional. spiritual, romantic, intellectual, sexual, physical, social etc. There are some of those needs that only a relationship can fulfil, but many of the other innate needs that we have are not necessarily meant to be fulfilled by our partner. They can be met sometimes by friends, hobbies, a spiritual outlet, nature, community work etc. When it comes to meeting sexual needs, and romantic needs for example, nothing can meet that outside of a mate, so we certainly have to choose partners that are compatible with our needs and life goals, but I think there are some needs that we have that can be fulfilled through other channels. Its about finding that balance between inner happiness and relationship happiness. That's just my opinion but others may look at it differently
I agree peggy ... just depends what stage of life someone is in ... but what you are saying about .... Its about finding that balance between inner happiness and relationship happiness. absolutely a must ... Agreed Mystical
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Come here to bali
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Edited by
Unknow
on
Mon 03/21/16 06:22 AM
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Come here to bali Yes. That should solve all of our problems :) |
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uh ya that would be Thomas Harris on TA not saying it's bad advice just not your creation hate it when no one credits the source 
[/quote you hate ya said;;;; lets clear this up dr harris got his info third hand about ta he explains it in his book. i got my info from my teacher, mentor, and very close friend dr leona doyle who was a personal female friend of dr eric berne he was the father of ta it was his brain child......i never said it was my creation!!!! so get your quotes correct next time..... |
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hope we can be good friends
COSTA |
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not sure if i "depend" on it, but if she doesn't make me happy, shes gone...
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not sure if i "depend" on it, but if she doesn't make me happy, shes gone... Fair enough. No one seeks out someone who makes them unhapoy, but I guess the balance is in understanding that no one is capable of keeping another person happy all the time especially in a longterm relationship |
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not sure if i "depend" on it, but if she doesn't make me happy, shes gone... Fair enough. No one seeks out someone who makes them unhapoy, but I guess the balance is in understanding that no one is capable of keeping another person happy all the time especially in a longterm relationship |
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All I care about is my partner's happiness... if they're not happy then I'm not happy.. now!! this doesn't mean when we go to bed I'm still not going to try to jump her bones... because sometimes we have to put our own happiness above our partners...lol...
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not sure if i "depend" on it, but if she doesn't make me happy, shes gone... Fair enough. No one seeks out someone who makes them unhapoy, but I guess the balance is in understanding that no one is capable of keeping another person happy all the time especially in a longterm relationship uea, it's a two way street... i'll do everything i can to make her happy, but that has to be returned as well... but i don't think i would depend on it, she just has to be "worth"(for a lack of a better term) me doing it... |
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Edited by
Unknow
on
Tue 03/22/16 12:10 PM
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All I care about is my partner's happiness... if they're not happy then I'm not happy.. now!! this doesn't mean when we go to bed I'm still not going to try to jump her bones... because sometimes we have to put our own happiness above our partners...lol... Aaawww that's sweet that you make your partner's happiness such a priority . Ideally both parties in a relationship should make the other person's happiness a priority so no one feels depleted. As for the bedroom business, I would speculate that in you jumping your gal's bones, that both of you will be heading towards a happy ending? 
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not sure if i "depend" on it, but if she doesn't make me happy, shes gone... Fair enough. No one seeks out someone who makes them unhapoy, but I guess the balance is in understanding that no one is capable of keeping another person happy all the time especially in a longterm relationship uea, it's a two way street... i'll do everything i can to make her happy, but that has to be returned as well... but i don't think i would depend on it, she just has to be "worth"(for a lack of a better term) me doing it... Sounds good to me 
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I am happy most of the time and it does not depend on my mate,, but that MOFO sure can make me miserable...
  
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I am happy most of the time and it does not depend on my mate,, but that MOFO sure can make me miserable...
I'm sure many agree with you
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I am happy most of the time and it does not depend on my mate,, but that MOFO sure can make me miserable...
I'm sure many agree with you Same here... I'm mostly always in the "Happy Place"... but they always try to drag me down into the Pit of Despair. 
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