Its pretty much true....Personally I do not need/want a woman who basically depends on me for their happiness...She should be happy on her own...just like me....but, under the right circumstances and having a few common interests, we will be happiest together...all I am saying...

I totally agree with you mystical that our ability to mutually meet each other's needs in the context of what stage we are at in our life is vital in contributing to our sense of happiness and fulfilment.

I am digging a bit deeper though.

We as human beings have so many categories of needs including emotional, spiritual, romantic, intellectual, sexual, physical, social etc.

There are some of those needs that only a relationship can fulfil, but many of the other innate needs that we have are not necessarily meant to be fulfilled by our partner.

They can be met sometimes by friends, hobbies, a spiritual outlet, nature, community work etc.

When it comes to meeting sexual needs, and romantic needs for example, nothing can meet that outside of a mate, so we certainly have to choose partners that are compatible with our needs and life goals, but I think there are some needs that we have that can be fulfilled through other channels.

Its about finding that balance between taking personal responsibility for our inner happiness, and managing our expectations of our mates to satisfy our relationship happiness.

That's just my opinion but others may look at it differently

I see your point Crystal.

I think many of us women are inclined to lose ourselves in relationships.

I think maybe there is a delicate balance between compromising, which is essential to any relationship versus loosing yourself completely.

When these threads about love emerge, I often hear romantic words like feelings, passion, chemistry and happiness.

I don't hear mundane words like, tolerance, sacrifice , and commitment which I think are so essential to a long term relationship.

The challenge is often finding someone who reciprocates the tolerance, sacrifice and commitment so that no party feels depleted or exploited.

And the other challenge is knowing when one has crossed the line of mutual compromise, and entered the danger zone of losing yourself?

How do you know when you have crossed that line? Is it just a gut feeling that you have that lets you know? Or are there other indicators?

I agree peggy ... just depends what stage of life someone is in ...
but what you are saying about .... Its about finding that balance between inner happiness and relationship happiness. absolutely a must ...

I like that balance divorced one.

Happy by yourself.

Happier when together.

The mate having an enhancement role in happiness as opposed to being the main source or only source of it.

The thing is that we have almost been wired as a society to expect happiness to come from our partner.

Tom Cruise said " YOU COMPLETE ME" in Jerry Macguire and the world melted.

The phrase 'looking for my better half' which preceded Jerry Macguire propagated the same philosopy, of looking to someone else for your happiness or serenity.

I agree Igor.

It takes time and effort to clearly identify what contributes to your personal happiness as opposed to what society deems should make you happy as well as finding the balance in accepting responsibility for your contribution to the relationship while allowing your partner to shoulder their portion of the relationship.

Agreed :)

And to add to that , also pursuing hobbies, causes or activities that we are passionate about , not to mention takking ime away to enjoy nature and rest when you need to regroup.

It makes such a difference in one's outlook and attitude. I imagine the spill -over benefits on one's relationship are numerous :)

Yup its all about balance...and always should be...take this from a AdivorceDone

Difficult, apart from gut feeling, but if you've compromised yourself often enough, your gut feeling may be out of whack too...
In a way what ppl do in the BDSM world isn't such a stupid idea: filling out a checklist of what is a hard limit, what is okay and what is a "maybe".
Most people never really think about their boundaries, so they play it by ear. Meaning you can easily start to wobble. And we all have 'hard' boundaries, maybes and okays but I think we mostly don't know what goes under which header.

Maybe the best way to deal with it when in doubt or overwhelmed is saying "I don't know. Give me some time to think it over." as opposed to forcing yourself to decide on the spot.

Why the heck isn't there a list for vanilla people? I never thought about that, would be brilliant. Maybe there are some out there ...
Best way to prevent chit is to have clearly in your head what and where your boundaries are, esp the 'hard limit' ones.

I got a Master's from the School of Life
Unfortunately that means nothing when I apply for a job, lol

You know when you have crossed that line...when u have become his Molly Maid, seriously....

The happiest people don't have the best of everything,they just make the best with everything they have and to me happiness is an inside job i cant assign anyone else that much power over my life

I think sometimes we confuse satisfaction or fulfillment with happiness. Though they are both factors in happiness, for me to feel happy I need to also feel content and some degree of elation.

Because we've evolved to be interdependent, most of us need to have some level of connection with others to be consistently happy. I can attest to relationships with close family and a friend providing a certain level of happiness. Then there are those moments of happiness when we're overwhelmed by the beauty of someone or something. But, there's something uniquely special about the kind of happiness that only a mate can evoke. That's why most of us devote so much energy to making that connection.

Well said Adezzy!

I definitely agree that the happiness that a mate evokes is very special but , but what a lot of people dont know is that as with all worthwhile things in life, there is a high cost attached or maybe I should say a heavy investment :)

I also think that fufilment is the anchoring force in our lives . Maybe fulfilment could be a primary goal and happiness a secondary one?

Hmmmmm.... What I would say is that having been married at one time, and having been single for some years, I have gained way more information from my single self about what makes me happy than my married self.

I know when I am not feeling like myself as a single person and what I need to do to feel happy.

Maybe there are times in a relationship when you need to pull yourself away from your partner to take your "self" temperature and ultimately discern if fundamental parts of your inner self have been lost. I'm not sure. It's just a thought...

Do I think we depend on our partners too much for happiness?

Those who pick partners that do not like them, who suffocate them, who only lust for them in the beginning and then forget the romance or are so selfish themselves they can not compromise and nurture the partner they do pick so the relationship survives and thrives probably are depending on the partner too much. It is like expecting a kleenex to keep you dry in a rainstorm.

But if you pick someone who does love you and cherish you and who is willing to give when it isn't so fun and you are willing to do the same in return it really is not that hard to be happy. Delirious, jump up and down on the sofa, curl your toes even when you are slugging through hard times together HAPPY.

And another cornerstone to a HAPPY LIFE is taking responsibility for your own happiness and making it easy for a partner to support it NOT be saddled with CREATING it. Sorry even the dream partner is still not a Super Hero 24/7.

The rub with being that inter dependent on someone is the cost is really high when something really bad like death or some insurmountable issue comes up that neither of you are prepared for. Loosing a partner you are not that wild about is recoverable but when you lose a partner you have entwined your life and self in is the worst beating you can take and a big risk.

Is only a problem/bad when you see a mate or relationship solely having that as its value.


No.
I think some people expect their mate to provide constant emotional stimulation they take to mean happiness too much.


Only if you expect it to be an absolute.
Like once you achieve it then it never goes away, or once achieved it's easily replicated if it fades, or once it fades it can be repolished to what it was.


IMO the only people that lean so heavily on their partners for their happiness are those that hold happiness as the value or purpose of their life.


Then it's a good thing you have a partner that knows you and can help you figure it out.
As no one else on the planet is going to ever give as big a crap about you and your emotional quandaries as your parents or your partner.
And you will always be your own worst enemy.


Again, then it's a good thing you have a partner that knows you and can help you figure out which it is, as no one else is going to give a crap beyond a certain level of convenience or exploitative opportunity.


Yes.
It's human nature to avoid things that make us look "bad," our faults, and to seek scapegoats and mitigating circumstances.


Not really.
We as human beings have few needs that we use many different categories to communicate and understand that those few needs have been fulfilled.
A lot of people don't understand what they truly need only feel what they desire so don't understand when they've been fulfilled.
No different than having hunger and being faced with many different restaurants to choose from.
Some people are hungry and demand their partner are gourmet chefs capable of cooking chinese food, italian, american, mexican, tex mex, japanese, etc.


Assuming you care that you've crossed the line: from the perspective of others giving you clues as to how your behavior and attitude is perceived, potentially allowing you to perceive yourself differently, possibly pushing you into seeing yourself more objectively or from another persons perspective.

Like with everything in this life, happiness is a spectrum. Echoing what others have said; each persons maximum happiness potential resides at the balance point along the scale that equals them.

Fulfillment is an anchoring force. Sometimes it's such a strong anchoring force that it docks the ship in familiar waters and holds back the voyage of exploration and discovery. That voyage can be treacherous and definitely requires investment, we just have to decide if we think the risk is worth the potential reward.

think many women tend to run into this when in a relationship with men..

most men tend to be problem solvers so when we voice something that is aggravating us...such as a moody co-worker or something your sister said on the phone..

he may immediately put on his Mr. Fix-it hat and try to listen and give you solutions and advice on how to fix it or change it

not understand you really just needed to vent

I would agree that it is about balance in all things

about being pro-active in your own life

realizing what parts of your life may be causing you unhappiness or feelings of discontent and then changing what you need to change

instead of expecting that another human being is going to fill up the voids in your own life or somehow " make it all better'
when the things that are aggravating you are yours alone to change